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Here is my situation: Wife discovered my A two weeks ago, after pleading with her we have entered counseling with Steve Harley, we see eachother every day at work and after work i go visit with my children until they go to bed. Then spend the rest of the evening with my wife. When it's bed time I return to my temporary place of living. Things are going VERY well between us and I believe we are in recovery. I'm doing all I can to show her this won't happen again and that I will be a better husband when I return home. Although we are both confident we will work through this and with time and MC. My wife has told me she is not ready for me to come home yet and I respect that with all of my heart. When I stupidly asked her if she had a time frame in her head she replied somewhere between 2 weeks and a year... *sigh*
Here is my problem, my temporary place of living is our family RV parked on the side of my mothers house. I can't use the shower because my waste water tanks will fill in a matter of days. I cant drive out and empty them as I had to remove and reinstall a fence to get the RV in there. I have come to hate where I am. Roosters crowing at 4am in the neighbors yard just outside my window, loud cars, and neighbors tv (sound through stereo) back aching from the bed I sleep in. I'm not sleeping well and I can see it affecting my work, I'm in a job that requires I be as sharp as a tack. For reasons I won't go into staying inside my mothers house is not an option. Also I have staying with a friend option. To be completely honest I am starting to get bitter over the situation and I am terrified this will make me make a mistake with my wife.
In the past few days I have considered getting an apartment, several problems with that.
1: Affordability, I am ofcourse still helping my wife with our bills.
2: No furniture, and if I go out and buy some I just know I'll be called to come home shortly after...LOL.
3. It seemed when I brought this up with my wife I felt disaproval coming from her. Although she said I should do what I felt necessary I really felt she did not like the idea,may have been my imagination.
4. I'm afraid having another home, I will get to know it as home, I will be more comfortable there and as time goes on will spend less and less time with my family and we will grow apart. At this time our children (3&7) have no idea Daddy is gone.
Any input would be appreciated. Even if you don't have an answer maybe tell me what you would do.
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Sleepless,
This is ridiculous! Being a BS myself, I can certainly understand that your wife is hurt and upset, but she's gonna have to give a little to get some more. You seem very remorseful and willing to work on the M. I'm not sure what you could tell your wife to make her understand that this is not going to work in the long run. In order for you two to make this work, you are gonna have to move in sooner or later (the sooner the better).
Can you schedule another session with SH and maybe have HIM explain to her that this cannot go on indefinitely? I could see her not wanting to be around you if you were fence-sitting or waffeling, but I don't get this at all. I sense that she exercises a certain degree of control by keeping you the house and it is helping her deal somehow.
She will need to understand that this cannot happen for a year.
I fear that if she doesn't at least reach out to you sooner or later, this might negatively impact your marital recovery or prevent it altogether.
Good luck to you!
Kati
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Are there any extended stay hotels/motels in your area? They have furniture, and their weekly or monthly rates can be quite reasonable. Your current situation isn't workable, in my opinion!
Good luck.
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Originally posted by SleeplessInSF:
. I have come to hate where I am. Roosters crowing at 4am in the neighbors yard just outside my window, loud cars, and neighbors tv (sound through stereo) back aching from the bed I sleep in.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> well ... darlin' I gar'on'tee your wife is living in misery feeling like she might die from her broken heart... so if I were you ... I'd be quiet about all of this inconvenience you're experiencing .... suck it up.
To be completely honest I am starting to get bitter over the situation and I am terrified this will make me make a mistake with my wife.
Tp be honest.... your bitterness should be self-directed at this place in time... YOU don't like the bed you are sleeping in at the moment... yet, it's the bed of your choosing. Your wife did not choose to be in this dilemma, you did... so, again, suck it up with your mouth closed.
In the past few days I have considered getting an apartment, several problems with that.
1: Affordability, I am ofcourse still helping my wife with our bills.
2: No furniture, and if I go out and buy some I just know I'll be called to come home shortly after...LOL.
3. It seemed when I brought this up with my wife I felt disaproval coming from her. Although she said I should do what I felt necessary I really felt she did not like the idea,may have been my imagination.
4. I'm afraid having another home, I will get to know it as home, I will be more comfortable there and as time goes on will spend less and less time with my family and we will grow apart. At this time our children (3&7) have no idea Daddy is gone.
If you get more permanent living quarters... your wife will see this as yet another action you willingly take to live independently from her.... suck it up where you are .... I suspect you won't be out of the home for too long...
Do you love your wife? Do you realize you did not say that you did even once in your post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Even if you say to us MBers that you love your wife... what is important is how you show her your love.... and becoming bitter with the consequences of your choices... and getting an apartment are likely to make your wife feel less loved and cherished....
WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Pep
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You did say staying with a friend was an option right? I would do that for now. Give her all the space that she asks for. Definitly keep counseling with Dr. Harley and ask him what is the best solution in your case. I would guess that he will come up with a solution that is right under your nose and will utilize the POJA. Let us know what he comes up with so we can learn too. I don't think that the "between 2 weeks and a year" is a realistic comment either but maybe she was just venting a little. Good Luck and take care.
C.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Originally posted by Kati:
This is ridiculous! Being a BS myself, I can certainly understand that your wife is hurt and upset, but she's gonna have to give a little to get some more.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree....
D Day was 2 weeks ago .... asking BW with 2 small kids to care for to "give more " right now is a bit much... She hasn't pulled the knife out of her chest yet.... she is still hemorrhaging.... asking her to "give" right now may not be realistic.
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
:Tp be honest.... your bitterness should be self-directed at this place in time... YOU don't like the bed you are sleeping in at the moment... yet, it's the bed of your choosing. Your wife did not choose to be in this dilemma, you did... so, again, suck it up with your mouth closed.
2If you get more permanent living quarters... your wife will see this as yet another action you willingly take to live independently from her.... suck it up where you are .... I suspect you won't be out of the home for too long...
Even if you say to us MBers that you love your wife... what is important is how you show her your love.... and becoming bitter with the consequences of your choices... and getting an apartment are likely to make your wife feel less loved and cherished....
WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Pep [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I am obviously new to MB, I have to say that I disagree with this post. Perhaps I shouldn't comment, but I have a big mouth so am going to anyway. Yes, he betrayed his wife. Yes, he is going to have to earn her trust back. But why should he have to stay in such completely unreasonable and unpalatable living quarters to do so? Is his discomfort going to make her feel better? Particularly as it could effect his job performance?
I don't think so.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep said: If you get more permanent living quarters... your wife will see this as yet another action you willingly take to live independently from her.... suck it up where you are .... I suspect you won't be out of the home for too long... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep is probably right. One piece of advice. Try to keep to one post that way your story/history will stay intact. If you need to change the title to call out a expert then just edit the subject in your first post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> C. <small>[ September 17, 2004, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: shmaley ]</small>
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shmaley, Im sorry I typoed, staying with a friend is NOT an option. To the rest of you (especially pepper) I will respond later. On my way out the door to go see a movie with the wife. (playing hooky from work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
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Originally posted by Sadfww:
But why should he have to stay in such completely unreasonable and unpalatable living quarters to do so? Is his discomfort going to make her feel better? Particularly as it could effect his job performance?
He can move to something more comfortable...
he should NOT rent an apartment.... that is a powerful message to his wife... he's making a home elsewhere.
I think she's gonna welcome him back home soon.... and he should slow down... it's 2 weeks after D day .... she's going to soften soon unless he sends her the wrong message...
We can always disagree with smiley faces <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Originally posted by Sadfww:
Is his discomfort going to make her feel better?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I forgot to say something about this...
Is his discomfort going to make her feel better...
Do you mean might it make her chest stop hurting? ... No.
Might it make her stomach stop doing flip-flops? ... No
Might it take her nightmares away and bring her peaceful sleep? ... No
Might it stop her constant crying? ...No
The point is not how uncomfortable the WH is physically.... the point is this....
What is the message this man wants to convey to his wife?
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband: <strong> Originally posted by Sadfww: He can move to something more comfortable...
he should NOT rent an apartment.... that is a powerful message to his wife... he's making a home elsewhere.
I think she's gonna welcome him back home soon.... and he should slow down... it's 2 weeks after D day .... she's going to soften soon unless he sends her the wrong message...
We can always disagree with smiley faces <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with that- renting an apartment would be a big mistake. I think that even moving from his present quarters is a big mistake unless he discusses it with her FIRST- telling her that his first choice would be to come home to her and his family but that he can't stay where he is because of xyz. Perhaps he could even ask for her suggestions as to what to do? And I suppose if she tells him that he has to suck it up- he will have to. If he has an extended stay motel available that might be an option. You can usually do week to week- or worst case scenario- month to month. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband: <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by Sadfww: Is his discomfort going to make her feel better? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I forgot to say something about this...
Is his discomfort going to make her feel better...
Do you mean might it make her chest stop hurting? ... No.
Might it make her stomach stop doing flip-flops? ... No
Might it take her nightmares away and bring her peaceful sleep? ... No
Might it stop her constant crying? ...No
The point is not how uncomfortable the WH is physically.... the point is this....
What is the message this man wants to convey to his wife?
Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, Pep, I agree. The message is what is important. I misinterpreted your original post- it sounded like you were saying he was going to have to suck it up b/c he deserved the "punishment" of staying in the RV due to his behavior. My mistake. (Well, maybe all of us WS really do DESERVE to stay in an RV outside our mother's house for awhile, but it doesn't really solve the issues...lol!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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Dear Sadfww: Here's a secret... (don't tell Sleepless, promise?).... His wife is in counseling with him.... not only that, they are counseling with the best.... Steve. Steve may be advising wife to keep the status quo where it is for a while for some reason you and i are not privy to.... Get me now??? This story may have more "past history" than we know about... But... the wife is IN COUNSELING with STEVE .... which means.... she's gonna soften up REAL soon.... if it's warrented. She will be advised. Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband: <strong> Dear Sadfww: Here's a secret... (don't tell Sleepless, promise?).... His wife is in counseling with him.... not only that, they are counseling with the best.... Steve. Steve may be advising wife to keep the status quo where it is for a while for some reason you and i are not privy to.... Get me now??? This story may have more "past history" than we know about... But... the wife is IN COUNSELING with STEVE .... which means.... she's gonna soften up REAL soon.... if it's warrented. She will be advised. Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's good to know.
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I'm back, first thing I wouls like to say is don't waste your money going to see "sky captain and the world of tomorrow" unless you are a big special effects fan.
Secondly, O.K. I noted though alot disagreed on this subject, you all agreed on one thing. No new apt. So I just through out the #'s I had to call. No apt it is. I guess I'll suck it up where I am, no choice.
let me answer a few specifics:
sadfww, yes there is one short stay apt in my area. month to month, 30 day min, $71 a day. - thats out. Hotels are out too.
pepper, 1. first of all I think you discount how much pain a truely remorseful WS goes through during these ordeals. I hurt too and not because I'm out of the house but because I am truely sick about what has happened. 2. I never said my bitterness was directed at anybody. 3. I do love my wife, more than life, I figured it could be assumed or why would I be here. This post was not about if I loved my wife or not. As for her, I tell her atleast 50 times a day!(no exageration) 4. I do see your point about getting my own place. 5. I was never asking her to give more, infact while I am with her (everyday, almost every hour) I do everything I can for her and let her relax, If you are refering to her giving me my emotional needs you have no point here - I am with her every minute anyway, I only leave her to sleep (or should I say listen to the noise). She even has let me know how much easier I make things on her by caring for our children, cleaning etc.
I really wasn't trying to say back me here guys, BS won't let me come home. As I said in the begining I respect her decision with all of my heart and I do understand. I just thought I may be over looking an option and some advice on rather my own apt was a good idea or not.
I guess because I don't see the logic in going to sleep somewhere else it does kind of feel like I'm being punished for my actions but I am willing to accept that even if it's not right. I did bring this on myself. I guess I would understand it better if she did'nt want me around right now, but that is not the case, I'm literally with her all day (we work together) till about midnight everyday, so I'm confused.
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Originally posted by SleeplessInSF:
pepper, 1. first of all I think you discount how much pain a truely remorseful WS goes through during these ordeals. I hurt too and not because I'm out of the house but because I am truely sick about what has happened.
I understand.... your hurt is deep. Yes, I understand.
2. I never said my bitterness was directed at anybody.
Tell me what the "bitter" comment means... what makes you feel bitter? What is the source of the bitter feeling?
3. I do love my wife, more than life, I figured it could be assumed or why would I be here. This post was not about if I loved my wife or not. As for her, I tell her atleast 50 times a day!(no exageration)
God love ya! This is goood <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
- I am with her every minute anyway, I only leave her to sleep (or should I say listen to the noise). She even has let me know how much easier I make things on her by caring for our children, cleaning etc.
Hang in there ... it sounds like you are doing all the right things....
This will be tough work, but worth it.
You can be happily married once more... I doubt the "2 weeks to 1 year" timeline.... I think it will be sooner rather than later if you are spending all your waking time together anyway....
The trailer of that film looks really bad.... I am not surprised to hear it's a turkey.
Best of luck to ya... hang in there.... you can do it!
Pep
<small>[ September 17, 2004, 07:18 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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Well Pepper, I would say I'm bitter at my living situation and how sometimes I feel I am alone in this fight for my marriage. In my opinion for a couple to make it through something like this both partners must give 110%. This is not to say I blame my wife for falling short of that. I do believe my wife is doing all she is capable of right now. For sure I understand why she doesnt have that fight in her at the moment. However this gets so discouraging sometimes. Imagine for a minute fighting with all of your heart, getting help and support, reading, reading and more reading and at the end of it all feeling alone. Sleeping alone when all you want to do is hold your spouse and she doesnt want you there. I want to be the shoulder she cries on. I want to go through this together, nobody should experience this kind of pain alone...As I write this with tears begining to fall I come to the conclusion I guess a better word would be hurt rather than bitter.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SleeplessInSF:
<strong> Well Pepper, I would say I'm bitter at my living situation and how sometimes I feel I am alone in this fight for my marriage. In my opinion for a couple to make it through something like this both partners must give 110%. This is not to say I blame my wife for falling short of that. I do believe my wife is doing all she is capable of right now. For sure I understand why she doesnt have that fight in her at the moment. However this gets so discouraging sometimes. Imagine for a minute fighting with all of your heart, getting help and support, reading, reading and more reading and at the end of it all feeling alone. Sleeping alone when all you want to do is hold your spouse and she doesnt want you there. I want to be the shoulder she cries on. I want to go through this together, nobody should experience this kind of pain alone...As I write this with tears begining to fall I come to the conclusion I guess a better word would be hurt rather than bitter. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sleepless... you know, you are a pretty good writer....
Why not use your writing skills to express yourself to your wife.... write to her every day.... and I don't mean email.... use stationary and a pen .... it's more romantic..... open up and spill your guts to her on paper.... I think she will appreciate that... and it may help turn your "bitter hurt" into something useful for your recovery...
Just a thought.... fill her lovebank like Shakespeare in love....
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband: Why not use your writing skills to express yourself to your wife.... write to her every day.... and I don't mean email.... use stationary and a pen .... it's more romantic..... open up and spill your guts to her on paper.... I think she will appreciate that... and it may help turn your "bitter hurt" into something useful for your recovery... Just a thought.... fill her lovebank like Shakespeare in love.... Pep [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like Pep's idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My husband wrote me just about every single day that we were away from each other while I was in college (we weren't married at the time) and that was over a 3 1/2 year period. I cherished the letters- not even so much for what was said, but for the love that was expressed by him taking the time to do it.
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