Robby,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (from Jelly thread) My W has a very bad habit of going out and drinking and then driving home when she shouldn't...
Last night was no different...
Even after promises and public statements about how stupid it is and how she'll never do it again...
There's history here if you don't recall! I'm tired of it! Neighbor told me to file for D after last night's drama. He said I was just being used as a babysitter while W has fun. He made a lot of sense. But at this point that could be because filing would pull me out of this uncertainty bullsh.it and put me on a path with a goal.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is wrong and scary on so many levels.
First BIG issue – the drinking. Been there. RAP has been struggling with this one. Not chronic, but some instances. BUT SHE DOES NOT DRIVE WITH MY KIDS. NO EXCEPTIONS. I would hide her keys and disable her car if she drove my kids anywhere drunk.
I don’t know where I got the idea in my head, and could not find it again, but did you say something like she gave the kid to a sitter then showed up later to get him drunk?
Listen. This behavior may get the two of you in BIG trouble. I don’t know where you live (apartment?), or how “public” all this behavior is, but I will say this. If JUST ONE neighbor is concerned about your baby and calls social services, here is what is going to happen:
Alcoholic mom + unemployed dad = kid goneThen the two of you will be in a long battle to get him back. Is she aware of this? You’re in FL right? Pretty liberal down there. I’d be worried, scratch that, maybe just concerned.
Second big issue – Treatment of you and her current behavior.
I can’t say anything here, I mean I can’t tell you what to do on this one. Is her behavior wrong? Yes. Two wrongs do not make a right. But that is me talking, not her. Her behavior may be just fine to others and is obviously OK to herself.
Go read what I have been posting to FamilyMatters.
here Robby is the spiritual head of his house.
Robby will answer for not only HIS behavior, but the behavior of his charges (wife and kid) since that comes with the territory of being the spiritual head.
Robby can only do two things– STAY with her, which carries with it suffering the bad as well as enjoying the good times. LEAVE her, which MAY include a better situation (actually SHOULD if your wits are about you, and this assume you and wife CAN’T recover) but WILL make it harder to be the father to your son.
Robby MUST be the best Robby that Robby can be: Godly man, godly husband, godly father. In that order. (You may feel that the order is arguable, it is not.)
Robby DOES NOT have to “put up with the cr@p”. Do you know what a martyr is? The part of the definition without the religious connotation is:
martyr a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle
Is there a principle here? Why the self-suffering? Do YOU have an answer to that? Is there a goal, or a point in time that you can foresee, however far off, where you will sit back and smile and say “It was all worth it.” A HARD question. Especially with all the emotions you must be feeling now. NOT a question to be answered lightly. My advice would be ride out the current storm, then instead of resting in the next calm (for the storm is coming again) use the peace to ANSWER that question. It is very important that you do. Look at the definition of martyr
without the messy, principle thing.
a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for …. What?
ANYTHING you put in that is NOT a principle, and suddenly it becomes the definition of a fool.
So you need to KNOW where you want to be.
Add to that the journey. What are you willing to do to get there? Kill somebody? Sell your son to the Egyptians for profit? Quit smoking? Eat less cheese? Suffer abuse from your wife? How much?
See what I mean? Where are your boundaries. Same issue that Eric N. is now facing.
The funny thing is this, you may THINK you know what they are, but if you haven’t really thought about them you might surprise yourself.
What will happen is this. The enemy will convince you that you will know what your boundary is when it is crossed. Then your wife will cross it. Let’s say she buys liquor with money set aside for the kids doctor visit. Now you’re furious when you find out, but you haven’t clearly stated this as a boundary. In your head or to her. You come on the board and you post “THAT’S IT, I’M OUTTA HERE.” Of course, we all come support you: “Robby, we LOVE you, do what you have to do” Sobby, milk and honey bullsh1t.
You read all this. Feel better about yourself. Then you fight the wife over it, with your cyber-backing firmly in place. Some major LB. Ground with her is lost. Days pass as you execute your exit plan and you start to think. Maybe I acted a little hasty. Maybe this doesn’t make sense and it is my emotions talking. So you waffle. This way, that way, back and forth. Confusion. Can’t think because the emotions are in the way. Not sure if it makes sense or it just feels that way.
Why?
You didn’t KNOW where your boundary was.
Know what else happens? SHE knows where your boundary is. Or lack thereof. Next time, she will push a little harder.
KNOW what your boundary is before you get in the situation. Then if she breaches, execute your plan. It will hurt like he11. But at least it’s honest. At least you will know it is not an emotional decision albeit you will be feeling quite a few at the time. Make sense?
You can’t MAKE her change her behavior. All you can do is tell her that what she is doing hurts. Sounds like you have and she is saying I get to do it more because being drunk and high doesn’t count as bad. Be that as it may, how MANY times until “your even” in her eyes. Ask her that. Not in a fight, in a conversation.
Hard questions, my friend. I consider myself blessed to not be in your shoes. I had a WW, but she didn’t flaunt it. Or spitefully do it. A person with as much spite as you say, as much malice. Geez. I don’t know. Maybe it will take her having to find another husband to learn how to be a good wife. Find your boundaries when you can think more and feel less. Make SURE there is a principle in there somewhere. That’s where your answer lies.
NCWalker
PS – Feel free to use the magic word if you need to.
