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** I am not advocating any violent act in this mail, I am just expressing my thoughts. If any reader takes offence at such honest descriptions please read no further than here. Thanks **

I hate FOM. I have never hated anyone as I hate him. I would hate him even of he had not had an A with my FWW because of his hypocritical, watsrel, lying, illegal ways behind a veneer of respectability. The A just makes my hate personal.

I even hate him for the lies he told my FWW to help get her into bed. He isn't even man enough to get my FWW to stray without lying to her.

His life is completely in the toilet right now, but thats not enough for me.

I have a welter of information about this scumbag - his illegal activities, the affair, his lies that would get him removed from the childrens'charity he works for ( and where, I assume , he is respected by the parents he 'supports'), I could utterly destroy his reputation in his sport, where also he has a facade of respectability and remove from the nominal public office he holds again through his 'reputation'.

I roll those tools around in my head and they feel good there, like a pick axe handle in my palms. They feel potent. I feel potent. I have an undrawn sword. I have a V8 on part throttle. It keeps me sane for now knowing all I need to do is press the throttle. It's my will not impotence or fear , nor pity staying my hand.

Then there is the physical side : he raped me through the violation of the sanctity of my marriage. I have a real urge to break him physically as he attacked me. All he values is his sport, to see him rendered defenceless despite his karate 'expertise' would make me very happy. This would be easy to arrange. Very easy.

I wish him nothing but ill, and I have such tools as to overwhelm him. To destroy him utterly.

Yet I do not. Why ? I know that the best chance of keeping him from attacking my M again is to have him succeed in his relationship rebuild. It is not in my best interests to render him too broken, unattractive and impotent to his GF that she throws him out.

Part of me thinks the childrens charity he works for should know the timbre of the man they entrust vulnerable children and parents to, but I would enjoy this so much, I cannot justify it through morality. Know what I mean ?

I have had a very successful plan A so far, my FWW is taking baby steps to rebuilding our marriage and God's action has been manifest in this process. I have much to be thankful for in this mess, but I retain this vengeance in a dark place within me like grit in an oyster. I work it over and over hoping it will become a pearl: that this irritation becomes a beautiful and valuable thing over time and with prayer.

Has anyone else experienced such raw hatred of OP, and if so when did it start to dissipate ?

Thanks.

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Bob

Re: My post to your other thread yesterday.

Those feelings in me existed to, I'm sure, the same extent you are feeling them now.

HOW DARE THEY???

To answer your question... those feelings ebbed from my soul at EXACTLY the same rate my FWW's feelings began to flow back towards me. Slowly, yet certainly. Make sense?

Better to focus your thoughts and efforts on FWW and your baby steps towards recovery, than to carry the baggage of the past forward.

JMHO

SD

[ September 17, 2004, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]

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Hi Bob,

I have had a deep seeded desire to inflict pain on the homewrecker too,even as of today.Some days,or rather nights,are harder than other's.I contemplate just what I would do but also the ramifications.I do not want to go to jail and risk my girls being without me but at the same time,I cannot STILL believe that there is some "woman" out there,involved with MY WH,selfishly wanting him to leave me and our children and marriage and homelife for her.It brings me to the brink of insanity when I think about it.It's surreal.

What makes it all worse is that my WH is still headed in that direction and is leaving everything behind.I will never forgive that homewrecker unless she got down on her knees and begged forgiveness for causing so much pain to so many,same for WH.Until they make ammends,I will always be hoping they reap what they sow.

It makes me SO mad to think that this homewrecker cares nothing about the pain my children suffer because she manipulates and brainwashes my WH into thinking that whatever she has to offer is better than a loving marriage and family life where our children can grow up happy with two parents involved in their lives.Of course I am also mad at my WH for all this too.

Anyway,I think most of us have a special disdain for these OP.Hopefully we do not allow it to eat away at our souls. They are nothing and deserve as much.

O

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I tried not to her....but I would still LOVE to be a fly on the wall if someone would hang her with her own hair and beat the crap out of her like a pinata.

- Kimmy

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Yes, the hate and obsession went away with time as Shattered Dreams suggested.

I forgave her in my heart but still dread either of us ever 'bumping' into her. I'd rather never seeing her face again. My son went to her son's wedding last year. He told me she had gain weight...didn't look that great.

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At first I wanted the OW dead - any way, accident, murder, etc. - I guess for awhile I thought I was owed that much.

Now I would like to have her life destroyed so she feels worse than I do and have to live with it. I would also like for my H to see her for what she really is and always has been (not "in love", rather "in need" and would do anything, including lying and manipulating, to find a man so she would not have to be alone).

My ultimate wish: To have her image / memory destroyed in my H's mind. BT

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Bob P,

Yes, eventually they do subside.

NOT that you'll ever think kindly towards the OP........they just mostly become irrelevant.
(And isn't that the Ultimate insult.....to be a non factor/entity )??

I also realize that your at such an early stage of your journey that you just can't see it coming to that. That's OK!
You have so many other obstacles and challenges to face BEFORE this happens.

The others are right....as you begin to focus More and more on your W and your M (what caused it to weaken, how to repair it, ect) the OP slowly fades away.
Never fully gone......but the intensity of your emotional reaction diminishes.

[NOT saying you can't get yourself "worked" up if you Choose to fixate and obsess about the OP]. But this can happen at any stage of recovery.

Difference is that right now you probably feel "out of control" as far as your thoughts and feelings (all normal) even if uncomfortable. Cause who likes to feel out of control?

Good news is that IN Time you will gain that control back. It varies from person to person....but it will come.

One thing that will help (once you get a real handle on it) is that your anger and hurt must be directed at your WS. They are the one who betrayed you, they are the one who deceived you. Frankly, the OP could give a crap about you (and in fact never did).
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have any relationship or loyalty to you.

So when you can begin to STOP blaming the OP for what they did (you know, seduced my W...lied to her, ect) you'll begin to get a handle on this.

How does that work?

Short answer is the responsibility To YOU, was from your W. So that is where your Focus must be.

Good news is that you both Love and want to Forgive your W.
So once you correctly place the responsibility where it belongs (on WS) then you can eventually forgive her.....and most of the hostility will be dealt with.

Again, you are early (early, early) on in this process......but you will ultimately get there.

But all this is ONLY true IF the person actually is gone from both your lives and their is true NC.
(Otherwise your going to be carrying this around for a long time...maybe forever).


A question:
In your conversations with OM GF did you recommend this site??
Any chance she would come here?
Thanks.

Keep at it.......wishing you continued success!

[ September 17, 2004, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]

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I know the same emotions. I mean I'm from Arkansas and well, I won't tell you what we do to them varmits over here but it has to do with log chain dirt roads and trucks. [Wink]

This energy should be redirected and used to heal yourself. Control your mind and let it heal. Easier said than done I know. When I get too obsessive about such things I pick something positive to focus on and repeat everytime it happens. Internal work is what we need. I am still praying for your M BP.

C.

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I am completely neutral about OW....

This is 8 years later.... so there is a lot of emotional distance between us.

I pray she has made peace with herself and found her way "home" after so much turmoil (she's had a terrible life.... my H was her 9th affair)

Pep

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Nice vent, Bob!

Really nice.

As for me, I don't know if my "view" of OM includes any emotion at all. On a factual, analytical level, I certainly conclude he hasn't any basis whatsoever for any standing in our society nor any attribute that qualifies him for any favorable consideration from any rational person. Simply put, morally and interpersonally, he is the worst example of a person I have ever known.

Revenge? The best revenge I could possibly have is giving OM what he currently has: being married to my XW as she approaches menopause! [Big Grin]

I hope you resolve your anger soon. It may have usefulness for you in these early stages of recovery, but your full personal recovery may not be complete until you are at peace with yourself - which includes shedding your (currently) justified emotions and waste of energy on pond scum.

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Hey Bob... I'm just lurking around here, after spending my time in EN. Saw your rant and had to mention this:

You forgot the most potent tool you have. Your successful happy life.

His actions will catch up with him. Noone lives by deceit and does not have deceit destroy them, that I have seen.

Your best revenge will be to put your life together and while he destroys himself, he will have the joy of remembering you and your wife riding off together into the sunset, so to speak.

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Thanks everyone. You want to know the scary thing that will have the PC folks running to the mods ?

I have a workable plan for every single aspect of his destruction. And there would be absolutely no trail to me.

And I do not wear that concept that my WW was equally to blame : she is a previously upstanding woman at a vulnerable time in her life, he is a serial womanising, lying, cheating, thieving amoral scumbag who lied his way into my FWWs pants. YES she chose to drop them, but in the hands of such an expert at a vulnerable time....

Living well is the best revenge ? mebbe.

I still want him to fear me. There's the rub I think. I want him to fear me every day of the trest of his miserable life. And I can make him so do. But I choose not to.

[macho BS]
he's really picked the wrong silverback to frick with
[/macho bs]

I'll be fine tomorrow, sorry everyone. Right now I want to phone my 25-year hells angel mate Dave and have OM erased for the call in of a old favour. I won't of course. How could I ever pray again after that ?. How could I steal away the dad of a young boy for my jealousy ?

I'll be more sensible 2morrow.
Thanks everyone for bearing with this sad man.

{{{{mb}}}}

FWW is being lovely tonight, truly lovely.

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quote:
Has anyone else experienced such raw hatred of OP, and if so when did it start to dissipate ?
'cmon Bob!!! If I let you take a peek into some of the locked closets in my mind you'd find some very unChristian-like thoughts there. Just one tiny peek will maybe suffice....does the term Ebola mean anything to you? In my mind it has been just one of many scenarios I had.

Yes, the hatred goes away when you turn over his "fate" to God. "It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of a just and holy God."

It IS possible, if it is God's will, that my wife's OM might some day accept Christ, but I'm not holding my breath. A "hardened heart" is more like it. Regardless, should he ever accept Christ and truly repent of his sins, I would forgive him. But trust him....that's a whole 'nother matter. Be friends with him, no way. THAT line has been crossed and cannot be established ever again. It's one of those little "consequencese" things.

Now, go enter him in the next steeplechase, but require him to ride his Shetland Pony. The visions of the ride.....delicious...!!!

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FH, I think I would be sated if I could just beat the living sh1t out of him for ten minutes. That would be so easy to arrange its untrue...heck its been offered by some well-meaning friends.

My can of Mace and my ally baseball bat. ahh FH I can almost taste that blackbelt cowering and begging for mercy as he swallows his teeth through his bleeding lips and dodges my next swing. mmmmMMMMmmmmm

Could I stop ? Don't think so. Best I keep it in my head I think....

My FWW is being truly lovely tonight. Just lovely. She told me today that OM wasn't ever 'soulmate' material. I dunno if that make sher A better or worse....

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Bob,

Anger/hatred/contempt ... I had OM move into my house.. was helping him out. Was told he had cancer, mom had dies of cancer... the lies go on and on, both from fww and OM. He befriended me, played it pretty well. God warned me on many occasions, but I didn't want to face the truth. I'm still not sure how I will react should he and I cross paths, I think my wife fears it more than OM does, and that is an interesting thing, as OM generally are bravados and ignorant of the danger they are in...but that the wife understands, well, I take some comfort in that. I think that I have children has helped keep me in check, otherwise, I do fear what I would do.

What is helping me...I don't think you want to know...it hurts like hell if you dwell in it. The OM is irrelavant. Haven't you noticed how many people have multiple affairs? How many marriages fall victim to the person that has suddenly discovered their 'soul mate' amidst a marriage? The prinicples of MB is one that will work with almost any relationship, it builds a freindship and men and women can't help but connect physically is they connect emotionally for that long. The OM or OW is irrelevant, it could be anyone. That really hurts if you think about it...because, then it only points back at your wayward or former wayward spouse, and how little they thought of you.

So, what helps me control the rage? Realizing that it's not a specific OM out there that did this, it is any OM, and mainly, my spouse...not real pleasant, and perhaps, totally wrong, but, it's what I use.

Hang in there.

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quote:
And I do not wear that concept that my WW was equally to blame ...
You would be correct. She is not equally to blame (as in 50/50)...she is 100% accountable for her own choices and actions.
quote:
she is a previously upstanding woman...
"Previously" being the key word. Had she not chosen the OM #1, she may well have chosen another.

Believe what you wish if it aids you in your Plan A but focus your efforts on forgiveness of your FWW rather than revenge on the OM.

[ September 17, 2004, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]

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I can certainly understand Bob's feelings, that's for sure.
What I can tell you, I have similar feelings as well. I try my best to disregard them.
In the past, when I was younger, I did go ahead with revenge plans.
I can tell you that it doesn't really make you feel better in the long run. Temporarily it sure does. Maybe a day or two, but after that you're back in the same place, but maybe even with a little regret thrown in.

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Yup, I've also had evil, awful, revenge feelings toward OW (because STBXH is still with her).

But I'm the oddball now, I think, because I have progressed from that to feelings of indifference, to now almost feeling sorry for her because her life is so screwed up, and feeling sorry for STBXH as well, because I believe he really isn't happy in his situation but is too scared or too full of pride to change it.

I have actually found myself a few times praying for them, that God might make himself known in their lives.

Do I pray that they live happily ever after with each other. Uh...NO!!! [Eek!]

But I believe they both need God's help to pull their lives out of the messes they've gotten themselves into.

I also made a decision a long time ago that I wasn't going to be revengeful or create problems or fight because it was only stooping to the OW's (and now STBX's) low-life, bar-brawling level. I am better than that. And by not stooping to their level and plotting revenge, I feel better about myself.

LL

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Bob,

A long long time ago, someone posted here something to this effect:

"Indulging in feelings of resentment and hatred is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

It kind of stuck with me and I offer it unto you now.

I too had a period of vengefulness. I had an email typed out to OP's boss (My former boss) that would have made her work life nigh unbearable, if not gotten her fired. I sat on it for a few weeks and eventually decided not to send it.

To this day I'm proud of myself and profoundly grateful that I made the choice to forgive and move on.

I haven't made a lot of good decisions thoughout this mess, but that was one of them.

And to answer your question, true forgiveness is a blessed feeling. Yes, the angry feelings do fade... if you let them.

I'll never forget what I went through. I'll never fall for anything like that again, nor allow myself to get in a position where I can be so profoundly betrayed. You can be darn-diddley sure of that. But I honestly and truly wish the best and even pray often enough for the OP. In the end, it's a choice you can make too.

J


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