</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> FL,


quote:
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i still feel like i am an enemy. this, of course, is my issue, not anyone elses.
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If you WERE an enemy, you'd be kicking the guy when he was down or confusing him.

Did you?

I'd say you gained a lot of wisdom in a short time the hard way. Foolish maybe. Not an enemy. And don't be so prideful as to think you got the market cornered on foolish, either.

NCW </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks. i know you mean well but all this post accomplished right now is tears. someday i hope i will be able to really let myself believe you though. just not today.

i can't seem to get my emotions to stay stable all of a sudden. i should be feeling good, i've been doing good, i think so anyway. i guess hearing that my H is going to be wanting to have a conversation about the A sometime soon is weighing heavy on my mind. i want to be totally open to any conversations he needs but it's going to be hard i fear. and we have been physically distant which is really hard on me.

i am rambling, thanks for listening.

Oh FL,

I adore you! I can't wait till the day comes that I can post to you with advice so I can help YOU!! Keep up your beautiful spirit!!!

jetgirl, i think you just gave me the first genuine smile of the afternoon, mostly cuz it just seems like all this is madness!! like i said before, don't look up to me that much. i am a MESS still!!!!! but thanks.

FL,

Now you are going to bring me down. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sweetheart (and I mean that in the sense that you have a sweet heart),

A broken heart and a contrite spirit has yet to be denied.

That's you, right? I wish I could promise you all of this will work out for the best. I can't even foresee if that is what will happen in MY situation.

Sometimes we drift along, feeling so out of control. Feeling so lost. The will to fight is there, but the weakness of limb makes it feel futile.

You fear your husband's reaction. You KNOW where your heart is, but fear he will only look towards your actions. You are being requested by him to bring up something painful. You want to be honest, but you don't want to hurt him. Part of you doesn't want to face him, as you have obviously been plenty hard on yourself.

Have you told him this?

Have you told him that you wished he could see in your heart, to see the pain in there over what you have done?

Have you told him that right now you don't feel like you deserve anything from him, but it feels like if you don't get mercy and understanding from somewhere, you will die?

Have you told him how HARD the enemy has been torturing you over what you have done, all that you have risked?

Have you told him that you would be happy to answer any questions he has, if he would only hold you while he asked so you could draw on his strength?

Have you told him how afraid you are of hurting HIM more?

If that is where your heart is at right now, you are on your way to restoring the grace and nobility that was given away.

You also are at a crossroads. You can only choose your path right now, and ride out his reaction. Regardless of his reaction, you will have to live with your choice. Choose the noble path.

Suffer your husband to make a mistake as well. He may get angry and resent you. He is not perfect either. You see this and still love him, do not deny him the chance to see imperfection in you and still love you.

You also will be on my prayer list this weekend.

NCWalker

Honey-bun FL.... look at your calendar.... might some of this be hormonal?


Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ncwalker, the first time it was just a solitary tear or two, now you have me in hysterics!!!!

ok, in case you don't realize it, that was a bit of sarcasm. although it is not entirely a lie.

i appreciate your words. i will reflect on them. i do not want to put pressure on him though and showing him my need of his forgiveness does that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you told him that you would be happy to answer any questions he has, if he would only hold you while he asked so you could draw on his strength?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thats the one that really got me going cuz that is so very true.

i don't want him to have to be perfect. i want to be the strong one for a change. that is the only reason i don't do more of what you are suggesting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> if you don't get mercy and understanding from somewhere, you will die?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this one is very true too, but that is why i post here so much. right now, this is what i have to lean on.

i just don't want to rush him or pressure him. don't get me wrong. there are times i have told him i just need a hug. and he does. i'll be sure to do that tonight. i think watching a movie on the couch would be a very good activity for tonight.

pep, you are probably hitting the nail on the head here too. i have always said i love being female cuz of the whole being able to give birth thing but D#MN i hate how emotional I am!!!

ok, i am going home now, get/give hugs from my kids.

NCW & FL,

If someone who was considering an A could only crawl inside our heads and see the pain we go through just to get OUT of the A and restore the M...OMG, they would run for dear life.

NCW, I loved your post. If my BW could only read it. I have invited her here but she won't come. She thinks I'm trying to manipulate her. I guess I am in a way. I want her to learn that there is hope. Others have been there. Anyway, I just wish I could have held my W while we talked. She's still too mad. I don't blame her...Oh God, what we did was horrible.

FL, I'm just a couple weeks in front of you. The only problem is that I'm still "out" and she won't let me back just yet. Maybe she's testing me, maybe she's punishing me. Either way, I deserve it. I'm a mess too.

The weeks are okay because I stay busy at work. The weekends however, allow too much thinking and blaming. I'm my own worst enemy. I beat myself up over what I have done...right down to the hokie-pokie (right foot in...right foot out) attempts at NC. I must have said goodbye 4-5 times in a two month period. I bled to death trying to cut off the cancer. For some sick reason I wanted to make sure the OW was okay and thought good of me as I left her. I wanted to be noble and have integrety...while I continued to hurt my W. Oh man that's sooo wrong.

Anyway... FL, I understand the torment. I also understand the two-edged sword of telling details. If you don't tell your not being honest. If you do it hurts you both. I am not prone to cry but I have cryed more in the last two months than in my entire life.

NCW, ....a broken and contrite heart... Yeah, broken to the core. I guess that's where God wants us. It's up to HIM to put it all back together. Thanks for your support. How could we make it alone?

2scared

hi 2scared,

thanks for sharing. hopefully it helps you too. i have to get in shower and get son to soccer game but i wanted to leave you a hi too. i'm sorry you are still "out". i realize i am very blessed that H is hanging in with me. i actually said just that to him this very morning when we woke up. i thanked him.

hold on to hope, your situation can improve too. i'll be watching out for your posts.