Morning Faith,

I see you've been given some very good advice from some well respected and wise members regarding doing all you can to avoid the drama.

Plan B is for YOU. Going completely dark is to have no contact (direct or indirectly) with the WS. It's hard to do sometimes but it's achievable. And most importantly "IT WORKS".

You start to feel relief and empowerment. Be patient, these feelings are on your horizon.

Love,
Jo

Faith,

I'm giving you yet one more thing to do.

Go buy the book "The State of Affairs" by Todd Mulliken recommnded by MB member Johnh39 in one of your earlier posts.

In the book author Milliken talks about a "Double Life Man Affair" and I think it would be of benefit to you to read.

Love you hon,
Jo

<small>[ September 19, 2004, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

I believe that no horrific event in our lives is wasted if it is used to help us grow and help other people. God uses these times to teach.

That said, infaith, I think it would be a good thing for you to tell others who are involved in affairs what can happen when one becomes involved with a married man. There used to be a post that showed up from time to time written in perspective of an OW about how "special" and "different" THEIR relationship was. How he would treat her differently that he did his wife.

Some part of me that I'm very ashamed of takes some satisfaction in your situation. I know that's horrible but I'm sure I'm not the only one. You're an example of what goes around comes around. I'm sorry.

As other people here have said, you need to move on. This man is dragging you down with his self imposed dramas. You don't need to warn his current ow. Would you have done anything differently if his wife told you what you were getting into? No, because he portrayed her as crazy. He's done the same to you. Just as he didn't want you to talk with the person in the bar, he has warned his current ow to not talk to you either.

As the BW, I never want to hear from xow. That's over and done. I've forgiven her so there's no need for an apology and we don't need to compare notes. It would only revive old memories that are painful. Leave the poor woman alone.

BUT he has a major collection in this house, that I know he will be needing to sell for money. It seems to me it is only a matter of time.

Get this collection out of your home... store it someplace safe ... a place where your H cannot get access.

Get a room mate if possible. Can a family member move in with you for 6 months or so?

Pep

Me again. (the task master) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Where's that Plan B letter, Faith? hmmm?

Lv,
Jo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by inFaith::
BUT he has a major collection in this house, that I know he will be needing to sell for money. It seems to me it is only a matter of time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought the same thing, Pep. And knowing the "collection" is a gun collection somewhat concerns me.

InFaith says he's not violent, but what harm is there in being extra careful.

Jo

InFaith says he's not violent, but what harm is there in being extra careful.

I think InFaith should NOT overestimate her ability to judge this man's true character... she has misjudged him woefully so far...

I feel (fear) he is capable of very evil deeds... and his actual ability to be violent may be hidden behind a pleasant facade.

Pep

Hi all! I have most of my items and questions for the atty ready for tomorrow morning. I am officially taking the afternoon off to go and ride the real rollercoaster with some kind friends. Everyone needs a break.

I will pick up the book suggested Jo on my way to meet my friends. Thank you for the gentle reminder, it has been on my long list.

As far as the plan b letter, I have only put the task aside to gather info for my atty. That was quite the task in itself...Not done to my satisfaction, but as much as I can come up with for now.

Just returned from an awesome church service about keeping your trust in God no matter what storms you may be in. Quite frankly, I feel very blessed through this whole ordeal, I HAVE literally felt HIS presence, every moment.

Till later, take care all!
Faith

One more tidbit you all should know:

WS has NOT even once attempted to contact me. All of his alliance is with OW. He is currently convincing OW to move away from all of her friends and family. I have given just enough info to woman in bar to guide her. I step away from the situation, knowing I have done all I can do to help her and her son. She may contact me if she wishes. But, I move on from the drama he is creating for her as of 20 minutes ago.

I feel blessed to have all of you in my life. I truly regret any part I played in 1st wife's trauma, unconsciencely or otherwise. I will not bring her into this. UNLESS of course our paths are led by God to cross. I have asked God to forgive me and keep ALL of us safe.

Have a wonderful day. I'll be back!

As for avoiding further drama - I agree.

OM's W in my case became a "crazy woman" and a perpetual scape goat for our families' problems.

However, I think your info gathering up to this point has been beneficial in that it's given you all the info you need to justify dumping this creep and doing everything you can to protect yourself.

WAT

Yes WAT I have gathered enough information that I know in my heart H is a calculating, cruel, manipulating coward (for a start). I have no place in my life for someone that can do all of these malicious acts to someone he claims he loves. He has walked completely away from God and truly has himself on a pedestal playing the puppet master with other's lives.

It hurts so deeply, I cannot begin to tell you. I miss my husband. I miss him terribly. I feel he has died. He has truly killed our chances of reconciliation. That being said, I have to say God does work in mysterious ways...I have been getting closer to HIM these last couple of years. My neighbor lady, out of the blue (really?) drew me into a bible study last winter. I have quite the collection of self-help, organization & leadership books (I thought I was reading for improvement of my home business, but now I wonder).

Most of the time, I am stronger hanging on to the understanding that everything happens for a reason.

Last night the neighbor boy came over and prayed with and for me. It really was a beautiful act. I slept peacefully for the first time in 10 days.

Question: I have not concentrated on a plan b letter, since the first I wrote. I have been gathering information for the atty appt this morning. I am unclear at this point, if I really need a letter???? He has not contacted me at. He just kicked me to the curb, like last week's trash. I am not saying that I don’t want to compose a letter. I am pretty sure, at some time, he will need to talk.

Another Question: I am unclear with him, just how our bills are to be paid. He has his paycheck automatically put into our checking account. Our house payment & insurance is automatic. He has his business line for the telephone connected to our home…it gets expensive and there is not enough money to pay it all – it is in my name. I probably need to turn it off. The water bill and electric bill I paid from the account. He is also paying for things from the same account. It is hard to keep track and not go overdrawn. I want to put money in to pay a couple of bills, but I don’t know if he is paying other things at the same time. I will talk to atty about this, but how do YOU suggest I work this out with him?

We also have a storage unit with my collectible plates and ‘memories’ and I can’t remember what else. The storage is in his name and I do not have a key – I know where it is. I would like my stuff back. How do I work this out?

I will be back after work today. Take care all and God Bless.

In Faith

Second question first - bills, etc.

This is clearly a topic to discuss with your lawyer. I don't recall whether your state is one that provides for legal separations, but if it does, this is the place for money and property matters in the near term. If you state doesn't provide for legal separations, you may have to actually file for divorce to get this stuff arranged and legally binding - the actual divorce comes later. I am not an attorney, but I think that some variation of a legal separation or divorce filing has to occur before you are legally protected. In the meantime - I think we went over this once already? - you should be safe and legal to immediately secure 1/2 of all your liquid assets. This doesn't mean this is all you'll get in the end, but this is a legally safe and prudent thing to do right off the bat. It's probably smart to make sure the bills are being taken care of so as not to jeopardize your financial standing. Keep records so you can show what you paid and when in relation to his "disappearance."

As for the Plan B letter, we didn't have the benefit of hearing Steve's advice to you first hand. Was he advising on the basis of you seeking reconciliation? If reconciliation is not a desire of yours now, seems the letter is moot. However, a form of a Plan B letter can lay out your restrictions on further communication to only that absolutely necessary to settle money matters, etc. As a matter of fact, if reconciliation isn't desired, these types of letters ususally come from divorce lawyers.

WAT

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 10:19 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>