Hi all.
Ok, admittedly, I'm sitting here in tears again, and I didn't sleep again, after a 3 girl 8-year-old :teary: sleepover, planned by my WW on the weekend she "went away to figure things out." Thanks for that. I can forgive her for everything, but NEVER for a 3 girl 8-year-old sleepover!
So, admittedly, I'm again at my lowest low of the two month roller coaster.
But, here is my question - which I also posed to Steve Harley, who has held me together. Does any of this WORK? I came here for comfort and hope last night, and there is hardly a post amongst the thousands of any success report. Hardly a one. Steve's thought is that once it gets good, you aren't up at 3 am posting on the web, and that explains the tilt. I don't believe that.
It's my thought (and I'm a stressed out chaparone today, who's lost I don't know how much weight and sleep in two months, so you decide who to believe) ... it's my thought that perhaps if you don't see the train coming, that once it runs you over, you're dead. In other words, perhaps, if you don't catch the signs and get counseling, once the A happens, it's almost always done.
Any thoughts, anyone?
I have asked my God for a miracle. From the spa, where my WW went for her "get away" (she's been gone most weekends, all summer) she sent me a beautiful two page "I love you", "I want to get back with you" email. I took it at face value and thought my miracle was at hand. After no contact for the next day or so, I re-read it, and realized it meant I "want" to get back with you, BUT. And the implied BUT that my heart didn't let me see was that her heart has been given to someone else. I am so embarassed. She asked me to tell everyone that we are doing better, because before she left, she had three meetings with friends who were BRUTAL on her. I did tell them that I had the most beautiful email from her. But, in the silence (except for a cold 1 minute, "everything ok?" call last night) in the silence of the last day or so, the words and thoughts of what I thought that email said have gone away like disappearing ink.


God bless you all. Does anyone know how to get marker stains off the couch? Help! (Just kidding)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jjjjjeff:
<strong> Hi all.
But, here is my question - which I also posed to Steve Harley, who has held me together. Does any of this WORK? I came here for comfort and hope last night, and there is hardly a post amongst the thousands of any success report. Hardly a one. Steve's thought is that once it gets good, you aren't up at 3 am posting on the web, and that explains the tilt. I don't believe that.
It's my thought (and I'm a stressed out chaparone today, who's lost I don't know how much weight and sleep in two months, so you decide who to believe) ... it's my thought that perhaps if you don't see the train coming, that once it runs you over, you're dead. In other words, perhaps, if you don't catch the signs and get counseling, once the A happens, it's almost always done.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It can work- and it does work for many couples. If you take a look around at the boards you will see many FW husbands and wives posting (myself included) who are still married and either working through recovery or recovered. The fact that an affair happens does NOT have to mean the marriage is dead. You're in the hands of the best- and I'm sure he has lots of better insights and advice then I do.

Just wanted to let you know that there ARE success stories! You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi Jeff,

I am sending a message of support. I understand how you feel...I felt the same way...the confusion, the pain, the ups and downs. I did plan A for six months...at times, I thought I could not go on. I leaned on friends, I came here to vent (which is a great thing to do because some times no one else can understand), I journaled and I exercised.

You are doing alot of the right things. Coming here to post, counseling with SH. In answer to your question...YES, this program works! I just posted my story on thread called "Plan B update--WH coming home and going to MB weekend." Pretty amazing, huh? WH was extremely stubborn and angry and did not want to do anything to help us.

I have not heard ILY in five months--I have not said it in like three. But I did all the other things like fill his EN's when I could. Be positive and put emphasis on me. This program is surely not easy. It would be easier to just walk away with no discussion. Keep your eye on the big picture, but really just try to get through each day. Stay strong and hang in there, Jeff. MB does work!

Yes, all this can work and marriages can recover after a A. It can take quite a bit of endurance and patience. It will be a rollercoaster ride and won't happen overnight...it can take years.

Most people throw in the towel way too soon...or take fogspeak as gospel. It isn't. My H can't believe and is totally ashamed of most of the things he said to me during the A.

We are beyond it all now and in a better, stronger, more commited marriage than we were pre-A.

<small>[ September 18, 2004, 10:33 AM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

hey jjjj! Welcome!

Try using skin so soft--that works wonders on getting stuff out of places you'd never expect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep with SH--he is the expert and from everything I've read, he puts the mind and soul in a better place to start rebuilding--whether it is on an individual or couple basis.

Your question....Any success stories? Well how do *you* define "success?" What's the timeframe for "success?" What are your expectations for being "successful?" I am answering Socratically, as everyone has their own perception. I, personally, feel my FBW and I are success. *We are still together and on the road of rebuilding a strong, united front and M. I also believe believer, who also usually gets newbies atrted as being one of the first posters, is also a success story. And, no, she is not with her WH. But, *SHE* *IS* a success story. (There *ARE* so many more examples of both types of successes here.)

You need to know what you expect and what your boundaries are.

Read up on many of the great articles, books, and plans. Plan A certainly sounds like what you should be doing, IMHO.

But you are right, I would never forgive my W for planning a girl sleepover for my 12yo D and friends, then leaving! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Best wishes to you. Keep with us.

Jeff-

Steve is telling you exactly what happens. Once folks are feeling GREAT again, they tend not to post here. I have posted to many, many folks who had success stories. Usually, they post for awhile, letting everyone know how well they are doing, and then drop off the board. And that is how it should be, they need to spend their energy on their relationship.

Now, to let you know about love letters - I have a whole stack of them from WH, and he is still living with OW after 20 months of this. So just realize that it is common for WS's to do this. When you get one, read it and throw it in a pile. Then watch her actions.

Good point LINY.

Yes, I have learned that there can be both kinds of recovery. That is what I will remind myself if my H fails to remain faithful again. I know that he knows how they start and how to avoid whatever temptation the evil one can send his way. He has failed in the past and in time, has made the necessary changes.

I hope I will be strong enough to break my own addiction to him in the future should he make another bad choice. I know that there will still be hope for a full and happy life.

I have learned that not all the fault lies with my not being a good enough wife or partner for him. Lots of it has had to do with his own character flaws and shakey moral values. He is a good guy again and I am a better partner too.

We all need to be vigilant in protecting our marriages and learn from our mistakes.

Jeff -

Had to laugh at the little sleep-over party. Don't you know that "3" never works with girls <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Only two at a time guy, sometimes 4 but NEVER 3.

They should have a rule book on that.


Weaver

Thank you all for the replies.
Through all of this, as I step back, I see God's hand on my life. Want to know what I saw this time? I posted in the middle of the night, just to have someone to "talk" to, to help me through another impossibly painful night. I thought, "You don't even have anything to ask, why post, just keep lurking." Well, within the replies I got wisdom, compassion and heart.
Feels so good to be off the sidelines and in a community of people who care.
I wouldn't have connected like that pre-A. So, yes, I can already see the good in my life from the pain.
My WW comes home from her weekend of "being by myself, thinking", either today or tomorrow. Please, anyone reading this, send up a prayer.
Her best friends, who have always known about the OM, and initially took the "Hey, you just have to be happy" route, called me last night and invited me to dinner with about 8 couples. One of these women has even socialized with OM on a weekend. One of them has deeply apologized to me, and told me she now believes I am the man who WILL make my W most happy.
After my lonely, lonely night on Friday, I was amazed to be sitting with these people, having th nicest time ever, on Saturday night.
And I don't have one ounce of resentment for either of these women. They were just good people forced into a horrible situation.
Thank you for the replies. I'm learning, and I'm off to start another thread!
No longer lurking.
jjjjjeff