My H wants to bury his ONS and continue as usuall. It's been almost 3 months since he told me and not a day goes by I don't think about this. I've been on that rollercoaster.

If I didn't have this web site I don't know how i would handle it all. I was trying for so long not to bring it up to enjoy our time together and have fun. Then he'll say something stupid or better yet write it in a note. Example. My office/spare bedroom was getting a little messy he put a note on the door as if the room wrote it "take pride in me and keep me clean" Our S was away at a friends house and it all came flooding back to me! Me take pride you f'ed a whore....where was your pride...you selfish [censored]!

About 2 weeks after that another note appeared regarding same room (that I have cleaned up!) Something like "this is an embarrassment to the family" I bit my tounge, waited until the next day when S was in school and tried to talk with H about these fing notes.

Is this about him trying to make me the bad person? Taking what he feels about himself and throwing it at me?

I read something on this site from LINY that said my H should be bending over backways to make me feel loved and secure. Well these notes are not doing it, I feel more worthless and less loved.

He says if I can stop bringing up this ONS, he could show more affection and love. I don't know...how do I respond to those notes? I'm I wrong....I will not be disrespected... I will not be disrespected....I will not be disrespected...Again!!!!!

How about taping two signs to your clothing

"take pride in your wife and keep yourself clean"

and

"your behavior (the way you treat your wife) is an embarrassment to the family"

If he questions it remind him of the notes left on the door of that room. If he was so unhappy about the state of the room, why didn't he straigten it up?

Blaming you for his lack of affection because of your pain is nothing more than emotional blackmail. You need to explain to him that this behavior makes you feel worthless and less loved.

Marriage counseling is needed to find out why he did this. If there are no consequences to his behavior, what would prevent him from doing it again! He has learned he can manipulate you into not making him accountable for his actions. I made the mistake of not insisting on counseling-don't do the same thing. I believe what he's doing is as cruel as the infidelity. You need to set boundaries and a good counselor as a third impartial party can help you.

Thanks JPH. I have told him how I feel about these notes. He won't go to MC...doesn't want to relive the horror of his actions again and again. Said he can't live like this with me turning everything into that dirty deed. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle the notes and some of the things he says.

He feels he has been punished enough...guilt, confessing, anti depressants and blah,blah, blah. I did tell him that that is what he has done for him but what about me? I'm the one that was betrayed, hurt and also disgusted by his behavior.

He wants things as usuall but I can't let it. What was usuall led to this...I am changing...Since he told me I've been trying to put me first...I've been running everyday (this seems to clear my head) I won't let anything unhealthy or disrespectful in my body..Everytime I think of having a second helping or desert I think of H screwing someone else and it turns my stomach. (pretty sure this is not emotionally healthy but those 10 lbs I've been wanting to lose are gone.) and my slogan whenever I feel that I'm being taken for granted or disrespected is "that girl is gone" I can see him cringe when I say that. Not good for loving marriage but that's the way I'm getting my point across.

Re

Regards, regards. I see your H still has his head up his a$$. Sorry so crude, but he really has some gall to be not only blaming his A on you, but then being a d1ck about it on top of it. (I've got a real nasty mouth tonight--sorry.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by regards:
He won't go to MC...doesn't want to relive the horror of his actions again and again. Said he can't live like this with me turning everything into that dirty deed.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He just doesn't want to face the fact that he made a horrible decision in your M. Have you asked him to "walk a mile in my shoes?"

I really don't have any "advice" for you. IMHO, this doesn't even sound like "fog." It sounds like he is intentionally doing this, knowing where he is at and you and the M. I may be wrong. (I hope I am.) I'm hoping some of the "seasoned" MB'ers can add some input and give you some sound suggestions. Where I'm at, I can only suport you and explain that *YOU* are not the one who had an A. That you are right, you shouldn't be disrespected.

Keep your head up, regards. I hope someone will give you something that you can go on! (I think the "return" notes are great, on one hand. On the other, they will only cause more conflict.)

Thanks LINY. I know he is being a d1ck about things. I'm trying...going to IC...changing my accepting ways not tolerating the disrespect and so on.

Today he's told me he's going away on business next week 3 day training. I asked if he would be going out after classes with others for drinks and dinner. He got very defensive. said is this who you are now? Is this what it's going to be like? I told you I don't want to hear about it anymore!
I guess all I wanted was for him to take my hand and reassure me I have nothing to worry about, instead we argued.
I wound up saying that if only before you left on your fing golf trip I said "Don't F around on me!" Maybe this would have had you thinking about me more and you would have not done it! So yeah maybe from now on I want you to be thinking of me and NOT F around!!!
But I know this could backfire...(if she thinks I'm doing it anyway, might as well)

Good Sunday morning -NOT-

Re

regards

Tough spot you are in. Sorry to hear it's going the way it is.

I can only assume you've been in Plan A to some extent, meeting his needs and improving those things about yourself that make YOU a better person, and that you bring your best self to the marriage.

And your FWW is still behaving like a d1ck.

It it possible that he has had other ONS's that you were not aware of? It seems as though he has little remorse for what he was caught at, and it has prompted no positive change from him for your marriage.

Have you thought of just drawing a line in the sand as a wake up call to him? A very strong and committed Plan B, cutting off all of the filling of his EN's by you, and telling him to "leave the house" until he's ready to "pony up" and commit to ACTIONS that are condusive to a better marriage.

I realize this is a strong action to take, but it would appear that it may be necessary to take a strong action to "wake him up".

In your Plan B letter you would spell out your boundries, what it takes from him for you to allow him back into the home; ie, Marriage Counseling, Read SAA, stop the condescending notes, words and actions, you get the idea, it's your list <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It sounds like he will continue his current behavior until he is given some consequences for his current path.

Others may have better advice than this, but I just thought I'd throw my $0.02 worth in to the thread.

SD

SD, So afraid & scared, yet have been thinking of that plan B. I wonder if I'm strong enough? S just started HS and is doing extremely well, I can't throw my h out and not think about S.

Re

I'm a little confused once again. We've had some problems with a tenant...no rent..lies and distruction. My H got so mad, ranting and raving about how untrustworthy these tenants are, how immature, no values...blah, blah,blah...
I bit my tongue didn't want to turn this into that!

However, h returned from the business trip. called from the airport said he'd be very hungry when he came home. (I had already fed S & me) so reluctantly I prepared a good, healthy meal and left in on the stove. H came home (9:45pm) and said is this warm who's going to heat it up. I was helping S with homework and organization of book-bag. I said put some on a plate and put in microwave.

In the past, before dday, I would have had the dinner hot, candles on the table and wine in the glass. But atlas, look what that kind of behavior got me....a cheating H.

So do it yourself comes a lot easier to me these days. H is not liking this at all. Says he wants the same person I was....happy, caring and ready to please. I told him I'm changing... things are not the same. He said he's not sure if he can live like this. My new attitude is making him dislike me.

I run everyday and have even joined a club. H says all because of "THAT" and I put words to "that" which he resented. Why do I always have to bring it up? Well, I didn't I just put the correct words in place of "that"?

I know this sounds so childish...he said, she said. But now I'm feeling as if I had a chance when he was so hurt and remorseful to create a better marriage and I blew it.
I cry more, we argue more, now he's starting to dislike me.
I asked him b4 the trip did he like me? Yes!
when you returned did you like me? Yes!
what happened when you were there? Oh, stop it already!!!

When will I feel better, is our marriage of 19 years doomed?

H said 90% of marriages can survive this....the other 10% I asked is it because they didn't try and fix the problem? and who's fault would it be the BS or the WS?