I posted this in the Recovery section too, I don't know which group I need to be in. I think I belong in a padded cell!

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Well, after all the crying, talking, moving away from our home - Now What? Now that I've fought so hard to keep her, I don't know why. I don't think I can really change, I dont' think I can ever get past these feelings of resentment, hatred for the OM and sometimes FWW. Lost career, lost home, lost trust, lost innocence, lost joy, lost M... Lost everything.

I'm no longer anything I was. I'm in a brand new world. I'm no longer a pastor, I'm no longer a trusting husband, I'm no longer happy. I've shifted, moved, prayed, hoped, wished, cried, worked to keep our M together. Now that we've moved I don't know what to do. We told each other we wanted a brand new M. Not a rebuilt old one. But, I see her going back to the same old ruts that led us to where we are. Also, I can see that old me coming back to the forefront. Angry, LB, lashing out... again, the same things that led us to where we are now.

So, I don't have any idea what to do anymore. I'm sick of triggers and then my wife not understanding what to do with me when I do trigger. She just says calm down, stop worrying, everything's ok. It's like telling a hungry man to not be hungry anymore. The words mean nothing to me, only her touch, and affection makes it all go away. But, she has such a hard time doing that. So my EN are glaring before me and I feel so empty. I've been empty for a long time.

Her ENs went unmet for so long too. But then she went and had the A. I have actually thought that if I found someone new, they would love me for who I am now, not have to wade through all the old stuff about me. And, I could love them to as someone whose never lied to me, cheated me, and traded me in. We could start over brand new. I'm sure that it's faulty thinking. There's no doubt, but I still feel empty.

I want my wife to be with me forever and for us to love each other the way we used to in the beginning. But, then when I look at her and me I think that the best thing would be to do would be just set her free. Set her free from me, the memories. That's not what I want, but I just want to feel loved again and not to worry anymore. I'm so tired.

Just think, I used to counsel others who would come to me as their pastor. I was so full of "wisdom" and "concern" for them. Now, I don't even know if I want to live anymore.

We have four children, ages 3 1/2 to 10. It's hard to meet ENs without interruption, even in the middle of the night!

Harley has a home study course. It costs $200. After six months, I think we may have seen the first improvement. People are very similar in that they need their ENs met and they will wreck their lives to get them met once, as my H said, "the trap was set."

You will be able to pass important lessons on to your children about how humans really are. There's something called "cognitive dissonance": when behavior is at odds with values, the values tend to go. My H trashed his life and mine and those of his children. He didn't just have an A. He also broke my arm when I threatened to call her. And yet, now, he is doing his best to be a good H and father. What more can I ask? He can't change the past, and neither can I. It's hard to accept that he will always have feelings for her, but I have come to realize that this is a burden, the consequence of sin.
Cherished

RWS -

You are perfectly normal. Lots of folks would rather just start over with someone new. That is the easiest way out.

So you need to decide if you are going to be committed to this marriage or not. If you are, then your choice is to do what you need to do and go through the pain.

And just think, when this is all over, what a great witness you will be to others.