My W and I have been married 10 years. We met at a bible college. Wife grew up in alcoholic home (verbally abusive, some physical), Her F had intervention when she was S in High school. She always struggled with her weight. Has struggled with rejection/abandonment issues. Discovered purging at the age of 16 and I found out she has been doing it ever since on average 2 times a month. 1.5 yrs ago I supported her with weight loss surgery. She is at her goal weight and lost 135lbs. D-Day #1 was June 23 found out she had been with a guy on 4 different occasions. 1st two times oral sex, 3rd time she intended to go all the way but had couple glasses of wine and guy did not want to take advantage of the situation. This was at the house. 4 time there was brief intercourse because he lost it very quick and she did not feel anything. Started MC right away. I gradually got the details over the next 4-5 weeks. She met him at a Halloween party last year, she had too much to drink he kept her from falling and she remembered that kindness and finally got the nerve to leave a note on his truck across the street. He is friends with our neighbors. She did not protect her thought life. I thought things were progressing and I took two weeks off work to go up to the NW and heal some more with my Christian friend and family. When I came back I discovered by cell phone bill that she had been with a different man from your flight school class. She is studying to get her private pilots license. I did find out that this man did ask if he could kiss her after her second to last class. All I know is that she had been with him in early August sexually and before I was up in the NW trying to heal from the 1st man. I found out after I came back from the NW that my wife was seeing a 3rd man in which there was PA 5 times. I committed in our MC session that I would not ask for details of the second man and she promised to have no further contact with any man outside of our marriage. This was before I found out about 3rd man. Our church pastor is involved, MC. Most of my family knows only her parents and one sibling know. This too has been a source of anger on her part that people know. MC said to limit those who know but I can honestly say that those who know are people who care for us and are praying for my W and our marriage. I feel that she is responding out of great anger even in these affairs. She tells me it is not about the sex or anything. Yesterday she said she is mad at God, at me and at herself in that order. She says that she has felt trapped in our marriage and that she does not love me or ever did. I have gone through all the emotions but have not LB. I have read Dobson's book on Love must be tough, Every mans marriage, Every mans battles, every woman’s battles and SAA. It is one day at a time. We are under one roof with two boys 5 and 3. Almost went to Plan B in fact read her the letter when I found out about the 3rd man but I knew that her heart was changing and she finally broke and her heart started to soften back to God and the family. What hurts the most for a Christian woman like her is that there was no remorse or repentance at first. This is very hard. She knows I am going through my struggles but she will never know the pain and tearing I am going through. I am able to forgive her. The Lord has done a tremendous work in my life as a result. I want our marriage to be better than ever, I just hope she can come around and reconnect with the Lord and receive the gift of repentance. Maybe she is in what you would call a semi fog. We have still been intimate and it has been hyper ever since the first dday. I am realizing that I need to give her space and take care of myself and the boys.

<small>[ October 22, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: kbatcher ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you found us.

Your wife has many problems and childhood issues. She has a hole in her heart that she is trying to fill with purging, and other men. Of course this will never work. No matter what she does, the hole is still there.

Now, what can you do? You can get into Plan A, and stay there for about 6 months. Read all about it on the link in my sig line.

We can help you get through this. We will be at your side all of the time. However your wife needs much more than we can give her. She needs counseling.

Listen to Believer and hang on, you are in for a bumpy ride.

But with your connection to God, and with the support you will find here, you will get through this.

Bless you and keep posting.

Weaver

Thanks for you comments so far. This site has been very helpful, found it a couple of months ago and finally decided to post. I never in my life thought I would go through something like this. The pain is so great at times that I would rather lose one of my sons than live with this. I can with all faith say that prayer works and has kept me going. I understand that I am dealing with a severly broken vessel in my W and that has allowed me to stick with it and hope for the best. Thanks to you all out there who support one another through these difficult times. Blessings

I suspect she was dealing with the pain of her childhood with eating. When the ability to over eat was taken away, she found another way to avoid dealing with the pain. (soon after I married, I began over eating to deal with the pain of the marriage) I don't think anything other than intense counseling to deal with her childhood will help. This is not about you-it's about the pain she's desperately trying to avoid. My daughter too is a child of an alcoholic and refuses to go to counseling with me. She went twice before and it was a disaster-both with men that she couldn't relate to. I see that now but couldn't then.

Call the physician who performed her by-pass so that he can recommend a counselor who is trained in this area. She should have had pre-surgery counseling and if that were a competent counselor, he/she could have seen this. There's so much money to be made in this type of surgery, I'm afraid not enough care is taken when allowing these procedures.

Her father was missing from her childhood and she's desperately trying to find that male connection. It's not to be had-only a father can fill that hole in her heart. She's can't see that but only can see that vacuum that needs to be satisfied. It's not about these men-it's about her father. You can Plan A/B/D until the cows come home and it's not going to make a difference.

Thank you all for your input. I think I am in for a long ride unless the Lord intervens with a miracle.

I have told her a couple of times now that I can continue to move forward and give her as much space as possible as long as there is no further contact with any man outside of our marriage. I pray that she is able to do this while we and she is in counseling. I cannot continue with the constant pain associated with that. I don't even think she understands my pain in this because she is so wraped up in hers.

I wonder if there is anything her father can do or say to her to help this situation. They are cordial with one another but no emotional or spiritual depth of the relationship.

I have e-mailed her physician who performed the surgery if he know of anyone in the area who specializes in this post weight loss surgery.

Here I supported her with the weightloss surgery for health reasons and now more than ever I am concerned about her health because if she continues with her purging habits/drinking it may be an ever serious health issue, regardless of what she is doing to our marriage and the potential long term hurts to our two boys.

Kbatcher -

I have no experience with the issues your wife is going through aside from the fact that my parents were both addicts, one an alcoholic and the other a compulsive gambler. However they managed to be good parents as much as they could be so I don't think I suffer as much as others do in this area.

What I really wanted to say is I am glad you are here and doing what you can to help your wife and your marriage. Success is 90% showing up and YOU are showing up, so you are well on your way.

Hang in there Kbatcher!

"My Story-No one has one like this"

Actually, this is quite a textbook case. Do not fall into a trap of thinking your sitaution is unique requiring a unique approach.

A couple of things:

Get a real marriage counselor. Your pastor may be a terrific pastor, but his/her qualifications as a marriage counselor are likely dubious. Case in point - the recommendation not to expose the affair.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1st two times oral sex, 3rd time she intended to go all the way but had couple glasses of wine and guy did not want to take advantage of the situation. This was at the house. 4 time their was brief intercourse because he lost it very quick and she did not feel anything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You believe this? The "guy did not want to take advantage of the situation" and "she did not feel anything"?????

Again, your situation is NOT unique and you are likely being lied to, over and over.

The good news for you is that everything on this site relating to infidelity applies to your situation. Do not try to out-smart it because you suspect your case is "special."

Well it is a new week. W was supposed to go to a MOPS convention on leadership but her leader ask her not to go based on what is happening in our marriage. She was also planning on visiting her friend who went through the weight loss surgery at the same time. That is how they became friends. She is visiting her for the entire week. I have been speaking to her about the latest and she was not aware of the 2nd A because my W did tell her about the 1st. I told her friend to please put on her counselor hat (she used to do this as a profession before kids).

So, she is gone for the week and I hope re-connection with the Lord and realizing that what she is doing with her Anger is destructive.

I have my Mother and Aunt down staying with me this week to help out with the boys. It is nice to come home to a loving environment. It was always uncomfortable to come home to WW who was unrepentant, very hard. I have no trust what so ever.

I still cannot believe that when I was up in the NW trying to heal and get around friends who care that she was having a 2nd A.

I guess there cannot be reconciliation if she was hiding the 2nd A. At least that is out in the open and was found out by our MC asking her questions then I found out by the cell phone bill and confronted. I just pray she can keep the NC agreement with me as she looked into my eyes and made that statement.

I spoke to her MIL last night and it was a good talk. Both she and her dad are disappointed in what she is doing and they are thanking me for hanging in there through these tough times.

She did on Friday keep in touch when she was out and finally told her dr. that she probably need a STD test just in case. This is a good start.

It helps to write and get things out. I have so much support from everyone which is a tremendous blessing.

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: kbatcher ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kbatcher:
<strong>I just pray she can keep the NC agreement with me as she looked into my eyes and made that statement.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has she written a no contact letter to OM?

Didn't she also look into your eyes when she said, "I do."

Can you verify NC is being honored?

WAT