Instant Messenger log on my wife's computer contains correspondence with her girlfriend of 17 years (they are both 25). My wife tells her GF in fairly lurid prose she's having an affair with a male friend while visiting her hometown during the summer (I didn't go this year because of work responsibilities).

There's no direct evidence of an affair, save for a single flirtatious SMS message from the guy and several 1- to 4-minute phone calls to him from my wife (she knows him from her school days). All other traditional signs of an alleged affair are either absent or difficult to trace due to its remote location.

When confronted, my wife denied the affair and explained the IM correspondence as pure fantasy world chat between two women. She says she's been asked by the guy to "fake an affair", so that my wife's GF would stop chasing him. When pressed further, my wife stated she'd have no problem not ever seeing the guy, if that's what I wanted.

In all honesty, I really do not sense her withdrawing from me. Sex and affection are pretty much the same as before the alleged affair.

I asked her to take the polygraph test and undergo marital counseling. She already said OK to marital counseling, but hasn't agreed to the polygraph. She's somewhat afraid of all medical devices, and I see how it could be a real fear not linked to the alleged affair itself.

She hasn't given me much grief concerning IM logs, but stated she expects privacy in her personal correspondence. She hasn't tried to hide anything, change passwords or purge logs.

Any suggestions on how to proceed further? I am NOT satisfied with her explanation, but I also exaggerated things about my sexual experience while in college, and so do see the possibility of it being truthful.

All advice will be much appreciated.

We've been married for just over a year.

Hello 1coolguy,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry it is for possible Infidelity.

First of all,based on what you mentioned,I do not think that all is innocent with your W.Afterall,if she is a happily married woman,why is she telling her GF that she is having an affair(A)? That is not normal conversation between two people if they are happily married or even just married.Something is up.I don't buy the excuse that the OM wants to play pretend to get rid of the friend.It's completely inappropriate to ask your W to do that.As you will learn here,wayward spouses(WS's) can come up with some doozies when it comes to lying,and,they can lie right to your face.

What remains unclear at this point is just how far this relationship has gone.Admittedly there is not too much information to back up the claim of a full blown A whether it's an emotional A(EA) or a physical one(PA) too.

The good news is that your W says she will go to counseling and stop seeing the OM.The bad news is it doesn't matter one iota if she is lying to you and just doesn't want to get caught.As we all know,there are many ways in which a person can be in touch with another so just suggesting that your W will not see the OM again doesn't mean they won't e-mail,cell phone call or IM each other.We have several BS's here who can attest to that including myself.

So,you have to start snooping a bit more.You need to find out just how far this all has gone on.If your W is truly being honest about this situation,she will gladly open up to you all her e-mails,cell phone logs and other means of contact.If she has nothing to hide,it should not be a problem.WS's always include a disclaimer about the privacy issue but when it comes to the possibility of adultery,you have every right to know everything and she should be aware how important that is.

Lastly,trust your gut/intuition.My intuition was dead on the entire time during my WH's A's and lies.If things don't feel right to you,then most likely,they are not.

Read up on Plan A and get the book HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley.Keep reading and posting here.We will help you through this.

O

<small>[ September 18, 2004, 05:57 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Unfortunately, I am not in a position to learn much more right now. A polygraph might be helpful, indeed, but even then it's only 80% accurate. Should I continue insisting on it?

The other guy lives in another country, so the physical separation is absolute. My wife's cell phone and email are being monitored, and she knows this. Obviously, I can't do much about web-based email, but I do not get the sense the other guy is email-friendly.

I have not confronted the GF yet. BUT, if she's under the impression the affair is real, there's no other information she can provide.

The question is, other than polygraph, are there any other "objective" tests for affair. Hypnosis?

Thanks for advice.

Where in the world do you go for a private polygraph test?! It never dawned on me that they were available!

If they are, they are hardly a medical device. They have electrodes (which might tickle being applied) and you have to answer questions yes or no.

Read up on the concepts on the site
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

It is bizarre if your wife is telling the truth about trying to save the man from her friend. What a strange tactic for adults to take to discourage someones attention (very teenager-like).

Keep your ears and eyes open and point out to her that you didn't go looking for distrust with her, you came across it by happenchance and now that it is there, she must be an open book to you. Wouldn't she want the same if the tables were turned?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 1coolguy:
I asked her to take the polygraph test and undergo marital counseling. She already said OK to marital counseling, but hasn't agreed to the polygraph.

She hasn't given me much grief concerning IM logs, but stated she expects privacy in her personal correspondence.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The above in BOLD are BIG RED flags.

Her reluctance in taking a polygraph stating fear of medical devices is unfounded. In a polygraph test there is no harm or evasiveness to one's body, it simply reads ones bodily responses to questions asked.

She expects privacy in her PERSONAL correspondence???? A person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. You might want to ask her what defines a "personal" correspondence. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She hasn't tried to hide anything, change passwords or purge logs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People who cheat become sneakier after D-day and better at hiding things from the BS. She may be simply laying low until your radar is down and then start again.

Welcome to MB. It's a good thing you found us. I'd suggest starting with Plan A. You can read all about it on Harley's Concept link up above.

Jo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she expects privacy in her personal correspondence. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is a load of crap. I truly hope that your W is not having an A. However, there are some serious flags here. This type of privacy issue is always a big sign. Buy and read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Get counseling with Dr. Harley or Jennifer C.. I would not waste money on a MC that you can't even tell is pro-marriage or not. I mean you'll spend a $1,000.00 to hear some your incompatiable and need to D crap if your not careful. The Harley's are the way to go. They are good...very good.

Read here diligently. Order the books. Get counseling. And take care.

C.

My concern about polygraph testing is that I may permanently damage the relationship by having her go through what is for her, culturally, a highly offensive procedure (we are both from another country and polygraph there is only for criminals).

What's available beyond polygraph and hypnosis? How do I find a hypnosis specialist to check for infidelity?

With polygraph, I can envision the situation of her passing the test and then leaving anyway because she can't stay with a "Gestapo man".

1coolguy,

The OM is in another country? And there are no emails or instant messages to him? And no long phone calls? (that would be expensive I imagine).

Still sounds fishy to me. My W would erase all emails, but I discovered some to her OM in SENT that she hadn't deleted.

If there is an A she would have to keep in contact would she not? Or do you suspect more of sexual holiday when she was back home? Anybody else back home you could interrogate?

A lie-detector or hypnotist is way too extreme, and embarassing. IMHO

You have only been married a year and this has happened. How long did you know each other before the marriage? Are you both from the same hometown?

k