I just came home crying from a wedding. My husband and I had a lovely time but when the slow dances came on he refused to dance with me. Last night we had sex but he refused to kiss me. It seems I am good enough to give a BJ but nopt to kiss. I feel he is deliberately witholding affection in order to punish me. I thought that this would get better in time but i have now been back for 9 months and if anythign get LESS affection now than I did 9 months ago.

I crave affection, I need affection. I would rather go without food and drink than without affection. I feel that this has become an act of cruelty and revenge on his part. If he was to hit or punch me it wopuld be easier than this. If he were to shout and scream at me it would hurt less. He knows exactly where to hurt me most, by witholding from me what I most need in the world.

We do discuss being affectionate sometimes and he says he "cant" be affectionate. Well...when I first came home he was quite affectionate but when he realised teh extent of the one night PA that I had , he withdrew the affection and has not given me any since. I crave Monday evenings because we go sequence dancing and at least he has to hold my hand. You cant imagine the pain tonight of seeing those other couples , most of whom were married about the same time as us, all dancing and us just sitting there. he claims he is not doing this on purpose. I just wish I could see some improvement but Ive been Plan Aing for well over 6 months, and although I know he feels closer to me now than he used to, it still doesnt show in the way he is towards me.

Can we even recoup with just me working on it?

Is this witholding of affection as abusive as it seems to be to me?

Debbra, you said, "If he was to hit or punch me it wopuld be easier than this. If he were to shout and scream at me it would hurt less."

This is almost verbatim what I heard when Steven Stosny spoke at the Smart Marriages conference. He is a very well known figure in the field of treatment of domestic violence -- women who HAD been hit or punched, and sometimes nearly murdered, said they would rather that than the other end of the spectrum, which was withholding affection.

So is it abuse? Well, not exactly. It's abuse's insidious and horrible partner... neglect.

We don't talk about neglect very much around here, it seems to me. I don't knowo very much about it, except that it was the quiet word that my attorney used for the very bad things that happened to me.

It doesn't seem to have enough power in it, does it. It doesn't seem to get at the soul-wrenching awfulness of it.

And yet, think of what happens to a child who recieves no affection. Think of the awful stories of babies who have that "failure to thrive" syndrome. Those children don't grow, don't learn intellectual skills, don't learn to love and be loved... and sometimes die -- all because of the utter lack of affection in their lives.

Neglect and abuse are two sides of the same ugly coin, two sides of a pattern of what I can only describe as the true meaning of evil; having so little compassion for another human being that you choose to do them harm.

Now, having said all that, the really tough question is going to be one that I hand back to you: What can you do about it? What principles here will help you figure out how to handle this in a way that doesn't do further destruction to your marriage?

Oh and... you might want to read this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

It's Dr. Harley's discussion of spousal neglect. Do not think of this as a small thing. It's a threat to your marriage.

JustJ....I wish I knew. I have been PlanAing for so long that it seems to be an integral part of me. I dont know what his needs are because he wont tell me so I simply try to be the best that i can be and be kind and understanding. Much of the time I am in immense pain. If he was just to hold me someoentime, like your would hug a child or a dog, I would feel better but I get noithing. I dont know what else I can do.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Debra,

Yeah, I think it is a form of abuse. Not one recognized as much as physical or verbal abuse but I think it is emotional abuse.

When you are in love with someone and they withhold affection it is devestating. We need to be held, touched, kissed in order to feel love. Sex without kissing is F***ing, it is like sex with a prostitute or a ONS. It has no emotion attached to it. Sex should be an emotional and physical exchange between people who love each other. There has to be emotional or someone is left feeling used.

Much of my 22 year marriage has been very short of affection, no hand holding, no hugging, no kissing (except during sex or a quick peck goodbye.) It was also short on compliments and heavy on critisism. It was very hard and slaughtered my self-esteem and made me feel unwanted and unattractive. I felt like if my own husband couldn't show me love and affection then no one could. It kinda keeps you in a bad place. That is where I was when my husband had his affair.

Now he is much more affectionate and loving now, but I will never forget how much the withholding of affection hurt. Was it abuse? I think so because it caused me to loose my self-esteem and I came to accept because I started to believe that affection was something I didn't deserve. Any treatment by someone you love that makes you feel useless and unwanted is abuse. in my opinion.

Hum. Let's see here. Plan A not working... Hm.

Okay, usually there are two possibilities when this happens. I'm wondering if either one might apply here?

1. You haven't actually done all of Plan A, including exposure and confrontation.

2. It's time for Plan B.

Debbra - Did I read right that he turned gay?

LOL! That's the first good laugh I had in weeks.

Hmmm.

His gay issues. That is looming. I think that needs to be addressed before you really can even hope for anything.

As far as is it abuse. I think abuse is when you intentionally cause pain. Neglect...hmm, I think that would require him to be ignorant of it. He isn't, you have explained your need for it.

I think it's something else. No word for it in my vocabulary...but, I don't think it's directed at you...you were apart for a long time, you decided this is where you wanted to be, I think you just have to suck up the bad parts for a while longer, as long as he is seeing someone to address his issues.

My H did hit me, in fact, broke my arm because I threatened to call the woman with whom in fact he was having an A.

You know what was hardest to take? That he gave to her the affection I so craved and he had denied to me.

I think that you may be mind-reading, that is, assuming why he is doing what he is doing. I have withheld affection myself since the A, in fact, went more than six months without allowing a kiss. It was not vindictive. Allowing affection would have been repulsive.

Can you talk with him about how he can give affection in a way that is enjoyable for him, and then build from there?
Cherished

Hi everyone..thanks for your thoughtful replies.

I just managed to get him to talk about the issue again. He simply says he enjoys being with me but he doesnt want to be touched. he became very angry and refered to a time that I hurt him verbally nearly 2 years ago (a case of fog talk oon my part). I am fast coming to the conclusion that until he lets go of his hurt and resentment and forgives me, that we arent going to move forward. I can planA all I like but as long as he is fixated with the past and things that have long since been done, and cannot be undone, that we are going nowhere.

I understand there are many reasons that he doesnt find himself capable of doing this right now, not least that concentrating on wrong that I have done, gives him justification for anythign he choses to do now.

Im really not sure where to go. I have asked him to move out so we can go into PlanB, to either prepare us for divorce or to facilitate reconcilliation. He has simply not taken my request seriously. I am determined to continue PlanAing until after Christmas. By then I will have been back for over a year. I guess for now I simply have to employ the patience that I so often tell Bob Pure to muster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />