I am having a hard time trusting WW. I know that she has not seen OM in months, and has gotten a new cell phone #, and swears that she has not given it to OM. She shows me her cell phone whenever I ask to see it. She calls me at work several times a day to let me know what she is up to. But I just can't trust, and my continual checking up is taking a toll on our R. She told me that at some point I will have to trust her, and I think she is right. But it is so hard right now. I am trying not to smother her, and I know that baseless accusations are LBs. She asked me if I thought she was still in contact with OM, and I said yes. She asked why I thought that, I told her my gut told me.

Seems we are stuck in a rut and I want to break out. I know that I have to accept that I can't control her, and that I will have to place trust again if I expect to rebuild this M. Anyone else have this problem?

Hello,

Maybe you should ask her if the roles were reversed how would she be feeling and acting toward you? Ask her about how much trust she would be feeling toward you if you had betrayed her the way she has betrayed you?

betrayed man

There are others who have experienced the same thing you are going through. Some of the veteran MB-ers will also answer you soon as well. I can tell you that trust takes a long time to rebuild. I keep reading about "baby-steps" and "2 steps forward, 1 back" and so on. A few months is not long enough.

One thing that might help you is to click on the "search" icon above. Type in: hopeful_person and read her story. In fact you and W should probably both read it. HP was a WW who spent years winning her H and his trust back. It is a true success story and worth the time it takes to read. Good luck to both of you.

FR

I would guess that it would take years to regain that trust in a WS. I know that is one thing I have to consider should my WW and I try one last time to get back together. I know it will take a looooong time for me to trust her and she would have to be willing to be an open book and accept the fact that I would check up on her to verify she is where she says she is and she is doing who, oops I mean what, she says she is doing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

MIF
How am I doin'?

Betrayed,

I agree with most here that it will take years for your WW to win you back. But I guess I'm biased as a fellow BS. That being said, your WW seems like she is making strides to earn your trust. If that is the case then she obviously knows how important it is to you. Follow Bryap's advice and ask her that question. Also say that if she knows that this is sooo important to you, and if she truly wants this M to work out, then why is she unwilling to GIVE this too you?

betrayed man,

I put a bit twist on you. Have you ask yourself "what do you need from her to trust her" ?. Once you get that answer you need to let her know.

Have you let her know about your top 5 ENs and how do you like her to fullfill it ?. Have you let her know ?

You are resenting her and now you need to practice Radical honesty, you current emotional state.

To avoid resentment ... in recovery, both of you need to follow 4 rules of recovery. With time the A would be distant memory.

-rh-

BH: I don't know your whole story, but can truly identify with your thoughts and fears...

My H is almost fully back and really better than before in many ways!, but I am not yet just a S, or a FBS, but still behaving like a BS. That terror of Dday comes upon me rather unexpectedly, irrationally, baselessly - it consumes me from the inside out. I am terrified by the "what if?"s. Fear, terror, hopelessness. My H does wonderful things for me: gifts, affection, compliments, yet that monster of terror still invades me. Trivial 'triggers' dominate my insides!

I used to be a strong person, rational, logical. I am so ragged inside - difficult to find and nurture the faith and optimism that always defined me) and fear for ever healing... Logic (and witnessing these recoveries) tells me it will go away with time and with the loving embrace and actions of my dear H - but I fear so much, so much of the time, now! (It is so painful to confess this!) It seems I spend an inordinant amount of time hiding the fear from others and from myself.

I feel like a weakling. I fear that I will be responsible for ruining our growth and healing! I want to be strong! I want to FEEL and full realize from within and without, with confidence and full knowing that we are better and stronger.

Yet this fragility of fearful emotion permiates every thought. It undermines my strength. I feel, often, that it is now ME with a resident alien inside.

Tell me, please, is there something I can DO about it? Some method to employ that will exorcise the demon of this ubiquitous, foriegn FEAR? Something other than patience and time? Please, offer up some tips on how to quell the raging monster and return my strength?

OK. I've spilled my pitiful guts. Sorry, BM, if this a hijack, but your post just brought my whole holiday experience to a head....

Re: Rebuilding trust

Just trust her!

If she falls of the wagon at a later date, then you will know what to do. Otherwise, don't go nuts distrusting her. It seems she is doing the right thing. If she is gong to cheat again she will do so whether you trust her or not. SO go ahead and trust her. Life is much easier that way. BTW, I am giving the same advice JL gave me, word by word.

All, thanks for the replies. Surprised to see this topic resurrected.

My problem (as discussed on my topic 2 days ago) is that she says she still loves OM and not me. Knows that the A was doomed and would eventually have to end. Says sex was "easy" with him, she wanted to do it but with me she feels it is more of an obligation. While I know some of this is fog, I hate living in a house with a W that doesn't love me. She doesn't say these things to hurt me, she is just being honest.

Of course sex was easy with the OM because she has never experienced his bad breath in the morning, his soiled underwear all over the place, his taking out his frustrations on her when things don't go his way, his emotional distancing from her because he was cheating on her, etc. Let her live with the OM for some time and just watch how reality will evaporate her 'in love' feelings for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You also must be brutally honest with her and tell her that whether she likes it or not, she was nothing more than OM's booty call. She's not going to like you for this but it is the truth, and it just may help her see she was nothing more than a sex toy for him.

If you do tell her all these things just make sure that you do it calmly and quietly without any trace of anger or sarcasm in your voice.

TMCM

While in the affair WWs give their heart to the OM and disconnect themselves from the BH. Therefore SF is easy with OM and a chore with BH. This is a humiliating experience, no doubt.

This is how I dealt with this problem. I told WW the door was open and that if she wanted OM she could have him. If I did not get quality SF she would be in the next train to OM's house. Of course, this only works when a relationship with OM is an impossibility. SO in a sense I was blowing air knowing quite well that OM had nothing to offer my wife. I also suspected that my wife was not going to take my word. But, who knows---- it is risky to make such a drastic invitation.

In any event after withdrawal and after many months your WW may realize that OM was not the great guy he was supposed to be and that SF may have been ordinary. Generally what makes SF great is what is between the ears of the WW and that is something that BHs cannot duplicate when in bed with the WW. You see the OM is new and that new is always exciting. The BH is old and it takes more work to make that exciting. Give her time and let her know you will not wait forever. After all, you as the betrayed party have the choice whether to end the marriage or not.