I liked what you wrote about detachment on Gray's thread.

About not forcing someone to come along.

It ties in with what Ark has said about a 'whisper' getting ones attention.

The other day H said to me that the more I pursue him the farther he runs away.

He hasn't called all week, and it really distresses me that he doesn't call to ask about daughter, but I know it is bothering him.

I am not calling him. I don't see any point anymore. If he chooses not to call, it is his choice.

OW, (for all her insisting that she doesn't want commitment etc.), has started calling him at all hours, several times a day.

Her bf has dumped her and is moving away, so now she is alone. She doesn't have him or my H at her beck and call anymore.

I think alot is in the timing, and I sense this is the time for me to withdraw from him, a 180, if you will.

Funny thing, I don't have to pretend that I have moved on, or 'act' detached.

I have moments of panic every so often, but my feeling is that until he gets right with God, I am better off without him around.

I am starting to see that he is not being a husband, and therefore I can't be a wife to him.

He has forfeited that privilege.

What he needs to see is that I have chosen to love him in spite of it, but maybe he won't 'get' that until I demonstrate that I don't have to.

I don't have to call him, or see him, or sleep with him, or cook for him or do a thing for him. I don't have to be here when he calls. I could divorce him and remarry if I chose to.

I could see other men. Another man could have the privilege of being a father to the child he has abandoned.

I can chose to be single.

I am starting to prefer not to be with him. His ways were very harmful to us, and I can't live in a divided house. There is no point.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks .

Shul -

I'm glad you liked the detachment post. That is what I am working on now. I don't think about WH much anymore, or want him back. But I am still grieving the loss of the marriage.

Last night I was reading quite a bit it recovery, and seeing the BS's there that have their partners' back, and now are having doubts. I am trying to get this all settled in my mind.

It has been a real rollercoaster ride for me this week. First all of the men around me were starting go look quite lucious - and I mean ALL OF THEM.

Next I had a huge pity party, blaming the Lord, and crying for hours.

The next day I woke up and my life seemed great again.

So I think I am going to work on detachment for the next couple of weeks, I hope. Or maybe tomorrow all the men will start looking yummy again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Actually that was kinda nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You got me thinking....

Just supposing I wake up tomorrow and everything is different....he had come to his senses and wants to be a family again...

What would that look like ?

I think it would be like starting over from scratch.

If I were a single woman, I would only get involved with a man who was a believer, for starters. So he would have to be right with God. He would have to have repented of some things in his life, and be ready to walk in obedience.

He would have to be willing to deal with some forgiveness issues, and this might require some pastoral counseling.

I think we would have go through a program like Prepare/Enrich, before I would consider being partners with him.

It has been a real rollercoaster ride for me this week. First all of the men around me were starting go look quite lucious - and I mean ALL OF THEM.


I actually laughed out loud when I read this, in fact I could hardly stop. Oh boy do I ever know what you mean. But I don't like it when that happens, scare myself too much. Plus I start to wonder if I am putting out some kind of scent or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Shul..

my advice to you remains the same...until this man does right by your daughter...

shows accountability and responsibility to her...
he should have no access with you...

again I say to you....that he must meet the requirements in her life for a good long time period before he should have any "benefits" at all....

the damage this man CHOOSES to visit on his daughter stands to skew her views on
parents
fathers
and accountability in relationships....

everytime he calls ask him if he wants to speak to his daughter...first thing...if he says no...
hang up...........
period...

any other conversation between you and him not about the daughter gives him permission to be a bad father...

till he does right by her...there should be nothing else between you and him...

ARK

Ark,

Maybe you are right. I have been taking a different tack lately.

When he shows even the least bit of interest in her,( as last weekend when he went to some trouble to get her a flute) I have been using positive reinforcement- thanking him, letting him know how much it meant to her.

Its not enough, but maybe its all he can do.


I have come to expect nothing from him I guess.

I have been feeling as though the marriage is over, but in spite of it I still care for him as much as ever.

I think he tried very hard for a long time but he just is too messed up to be a husband or father.

He needs healing.