Ladies, Gents, this was just published on the Smart Marriages mailing list (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Please open your arms, your pocketbooks, and your book shelves. Some few of the soldiers in Iraq and other places have found their way here and to other similar sites... but many have not. So why not send help directly to them? This is one of the best ways I've ever seen to pay it forward.

If anyone knows of ways to get similar help to the families still at home, I'd like to do that, too. And if there's anyone in Iraq reading this right now, tell your friends and fellow soldiers. We DO care. And dang it, at least some of us want to do something about your pain.

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From Diane Sollee, the Director of Smart Marrriages:

We all know there will be enormous fallout from this deployment - many broken families. That doesn't make this any easier to read. Many in the coalition are working hard at helping couples readjust as soldiers return home, but here's a chance to help while they're still deployed. Let me know what you send. - diane

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And from the soldier himself:

Ma'm,

I am an American Soldier stationed in Iraq. I am a Chaplain for Fire, Police and EMS at home when I am not soldiering. While here, I have become not only a warrior but also a teacher, coach and mentor to my fellow soldiers. We have suffered a great deal in this war, but the worst thing we are having to suffer through is "forced divorce." I have soldiers who have stood in harms
way who are more shaken up by the spouse at home who tells them they no longer have a home to come back to than by their battle experiences. It is not everyday you have to aid a 6 foot 7 inch 300lbs man who is sobbing not because of the gunfight we just went through but the call he just made and got news that his wife wants a divorce...a divorce he doesn't want! It's a
fact we all have problems, those of us who are married and the ones that are single, these relationships may have been in trouble before coming here, but why end it now? Why not try to work things out.

My own wife has asked me for a divorce while being here in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Most of the soldiers I have counseled have also been approached by their spouses as wanting a divorce upon their return home from this operation. We are members of the Army National Guard. We are covered under the soldiers and Sailors relief act at the time of deployment so our spouses can not file for divorce until we are released. In my state, KY, one must also be separated for 60 days and then go to a parenting class, if you have children, before you may file for a divorce. My biggest concern is that it is simply not enough. In most cases, although there have been problems before the deployment, they have always been able to work through their problems or they did not rise to this level. I believe there should be more than just a sixty day separation. In most cases the soldier has been gone for a year if not more, and these problems take time to fix. They where not created yesterday. The soldiers themselves and their family dynamics have changed since he has been gone and no counseling or mediation is ordered to see if they both want a divorce or if it can be fixed through mediation. I think the whole thing is crazy! Just because one party wants a divorce you are stuck without any other recourse with no way to slow things down or get help.

I have been trying to get several marriage books for several weeks now including Divorce Busting, The Divorce Remedy and Fighting For Your Marriage. Our library here in Iraq says they have access to them, but that they are just unable to get them now.

- - - - -
Ma'm,
Yes, please feel free to use my name and address. I would not mind you using anything I have emailed you if it would help generate a response. My soldiers and I need help.

I understand your concern that if you ask your list to send us books, I might be overwhelmed with the response but I will be sure that any books on marriage and relationships will be put to good use and left behind at the library for other warriors to come. I can teach my men to Survive, Fight and Win on the battle field but relationships are much trickier...

We also have access to CD and DVD players, maybe some of the books are on CD or DVD? Those would be less expensive to mail.

Whatever anyone can donate, please mail to:

SSG Santiago, Miguel A
766th Trans Bn
2123D TC HET/ 1ST PLT
APO AE 09366
Operation Iraqi Freedom

While it's heart breaking for this to happen to our soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines, civilians face the same issue.

It takes only one to make a divorce happen in most cases.

Add it that with no-fault, things such as affairs don't really matter when it comes to property division, spousal support, custody and child support issues.

Bottom line is No Fault Divorce sucks in my opinion.

TB

You're right, javaSC. It does happen all the time. And one of the amazing things is that this soldier is actually getting attention. For himself and his comrades. We all know how hard exposure is -- imagine what this level of exposure must be like! I say it's all the more reason to help where we KNOW help is needed. This soldier has the guts that many thousands of people -- soldiers AND civilians -- have a hard time finding. More importantly, though, with our response, I'm guessing that several hundred and possibly several thousand soldiers will get to see books that they probably would not otherwise have seen.

And they'll go home and tell their friends and family about it....

And those folks will tell other folks. What a wonderful way to spread the word.

Come to think of it, I sincerely hope that this particular letter and story make their way into the mainstream news.

Just J, I am an administrator for a popular military bulletin board. Would I have permission to post this over there?

Java,

I have to disagree with you. Things are very different for our service men and women. A civilian has many more options than our service people, they can be there to talk about the issue, the can quit their job if they want to not be away from their spouse. A civilian does not get pulled out of bed one morning and find himself on a plane headed for the unknown, with no time to settle family issues. A civilian does not leave home without a return date.

A soldier's family has no options. They are tied into a contract that has very few out clauses. The military doesn't care if a man misses his child being born. They will not let a man go home to repair his marriage. They are on a mission and what happens in their personal life should not have an impact on their duty, they will let them talk to a chaplin but they will not let them go home.

The military's view is "if the military would have wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one." I heard that many times when I was active duty and many more times when my husband was gone during the Gulf War.

The military can be very tough on families and can tear them apart as easily as they can support them.

Cathy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by boobyprize:
<strong> Java,

I have to disagree with you. Things are very different for our service men and women. A civilian has many more options than our service people, they can be there to talk about the issue, the can quit their job if they want to not be away from their spouse. A civilian does not get pulled out of bed one morning and find himself on a plane headed for the unknown, with no time to settle family issues. A civilian does not leave home without a return date.

A soldier's family has no options. They are tied into a contract that has very few out clauses. The military doesn't care if a man misses his child being born. They will not let a man go home to repair his marriage. They are on a mission and what happens in their personal life should not have an impact on their duty, they will let them talk to a chaplin but they will not let them go home.

The military's view is "if the military would have wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one." I heard that many times when I was active duty and many more times when my husband was gone during the Gulf War.

The military can be very tough on families and can tear them apart as easily as they can support them.

Cathy </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cathy,

This is all true, and I know, I was an active duty Army officer, so I'm aware of this from both sides of the coin.

If you are suggesting it's any easier for a civilian to face a spouse who tells them they want a divorce, I think you are not facing reality.

While I'm not saying it's easy to serve our nation, what I'm saying is civilians face the same fact, that one spouse can unilaterally choose divorce.

That seems to be exactly the same, civilian or married, and that was my point.

Frankly, it's hard for me, facing a WW who refused counselling, etc to say, wow, how lucky I am that I'll be getting my divorce after I got out of the military.

Now it will be so much easier.

I'll turn off the sarcasm now, as I don't wish this on anyone, civilian or military.

TB

double post
double post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 19, 2004, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: javaSansContour ]</small>

JustJ -

I am going to wrap up all of my extra books and goodies to send to SSgt. Santiago.

For two years I have been volunteering with Operation Interdependence, which is a national group that sends things to the troops - snacks, phone cards, sun screen, candy, CD's, etc. The rules of the group are that you have to send enough for the whole group, which is 50 packages, which are put in a box, and then screened by intel experts. It costs $30. to send.

The good thing about this request for help is that there is a personal address. That means that books on affairs can be sent and will be received.

The other thing that is appreciated is a personal letter. Hopefully folks here will respond. Most of these men (and women) do not have access to a computer.

I have a special feeling for these warfighters because my WH and OW got together while her husband was fighting in Iraq. Until this horrible war, they had been happily married for 17 years.

What ever happened to "for better or for worse"

People are not equipped to handle the "worse". They bail out and the first signs of "worse".

It's sad!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What is bloody wrong with people.

You'd think they could at least wait until their spouse, who btw is over there protecting them and our country, returns before delivering the blow. What's the hurry???!!!

Gawd! Talking about slamming someone when they're down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Ok, I ordered 1 each of SAA, HNHN, Torn Asunder and ATA (used but "very good" condition) from Amazon.com and had them shipped direct to SSG Santiago. Very inexpensive. I will package up a few others I have here (from my 20 linear feet of infidelity and marriage help books) and send them in the next day or so. Happy to contribute.

I wonder if things were much different in my dad’s day during WWII. Maybe so many men were in the service there was no one no one left for W’s to fool around with then.

T

Whups! I totally lost this thread and missed that you asked a question...

Maddyk. Yes, I think that if you post what I did -- along with the references to the Smart Marriages list, you should be able to copy it no problem.

Thos, my grandfather was a soldier in WWII. He abandoned my grandmother almost as soon as he returned from the war... I don't know much about the details, but I bet that soon afterwards the woman he married was what we would now call the OW. My dad was raised by his mother and his grandmother, and only recently have I come to see how well he understands the struggles I've been in over the last year -- because he saw his mother go through them as well. Must be tough for him.

My other grandfather left his first wife.... married a woman who committed suicide .... and then married my grandmother. My guess is that there were affairs there, too, though I don't know for sure.

Funny how things repeat themselves, even if one generation escapes the madness.

Just projecting my own experience here.... my husband called me eight months into a year long deployment to tell me he no longer wanted to be married and a month later I found out he was having an A. Yeah, there are ways to get both of them in trouble for it, but the fact is that long separations can have that effect on people, whether deployed or waiting at home.

The no fault divorce sucks for everyone. The BS usually doesn't have the time to fight it and the WS doesn't have the time to come to their senses. When you factor in a service member or their spouse who have been separated, the no fault system and short waiting periods are absolutely stupid and a slap in the face to the sanctity of marriage.

JMHO - Service members and their spouses should have some sort of automatic waiting period for them to readjust and attempt to work things out.

Then again, I think that EVERY married person should have to do more than run down to the courthouse, wait 60 days and call it a day. My personal experience is with infidelity, filing divorce and the after effects within the framework of a deployment, so my feelings are strong there.