I am a 35 years old Asian, and I married 6 years ago, my husband and I have a good relationship. We did not desire to have any kid because we love each other and we were all very busy. We live together with my parents-in-law who are more than 70 years. Our family is a warm family and we all get along very well.Recently, my husband has been tested with HIV+ because of a tragic medical error; I am HIV-. We know with the treatment, HIV+ can survive longer than before, but the average is 10-20 years. Maybe 20 or 10 years later, my husband and my parents-in-law are all pass away, and leave myself alone in the world. My husband and my parents-in-law all feel sorry for me, and worry about my future, they all hope I should have a kid of my own.I have checked many materials and consulted the doctors, if I want to have a baby with my husband’s sperm, his sperm must be washed, unfortunately there is not washing sperm technique in my country now (Actually, even in the US, the washing sperm is not 100% safe to get a health baby and also have a low probability to transmit the HIV to the woman). Because I should take care of my husband and my parents-in-law, I am must kept in health position, so I cannot use the sperm of my husband and there are not any romantic behaviors between my husband and me now.I have talked with my husband, and he hope me to have a baby and he promised he would love the baby just like his own, so did my parents-in-law.There are two ways to make me pregnant. One is artificial insemination use the sperm from sperm bank, in my country, the sperm bank will pay for the donor, so most of the sperm donor are college students and those who lack of money, artificial insemination is very expensive, and the successful rate is less then 20%.The other way is find a compatible man to have sex. I am not interested in sex now and what I need is just a baby. If I pregnant I will leave the lover ASAP and I won't let him know he is the biological father of my baby. I want to know which way is better and how you think about the second way? Does God can forgive me? And I also want to know, do you think it is necessary for me to have a baby?
Thanks.
Melissa

I see that you have been posting all over the MB boards, which leads me to beleive that you may be concerned with how doing this is going to affect you and your marriage.

There is a great breach between what is said and what is done. Your H and your in-laws say that they are ok with the idea of having you get pregnant by another man. But you won't know for sure if they are going to be ok until after the deed is done.

You need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself many questions like:

How are you going to feel after you had sex with a man that was not your H? This is an important question to ask yourself because you will have to live with the consequences of your actions for the rest of your life. You are a woman, and it is much harder for a woman to have sex with a man that is not her H especially if she doesn't have any feelings of love for that man.

What if the first sexual encounter does not produce a pregnancy, are you then going to try, try again with the same man?

What if you fall in love with the man who impregnates you? Absurd? No because
by your own admission you and your H do not have 'romantic behaviors' which probably means that you live in a sexless marriage and you are very susceptible to being attracted to another man.

These questions are just the tip of the iceberg but they are very important ones that you must answer for yourself before proceeding with such a potentially dangerous action.

Why don't you just adopt?

Hello Mellisa,

I'm sorry to hear your H contracted HIV and you have to deal with this disease in your family.

Regarding your questoin: apart from the other problems of having sex with some man, who will then be the father of your child, I'm a bit worried about the "having sex with some compatible man". It would mean you having unprotected sex, if you want to get pregnant. How can you be sure this man doesn't have HIV himself???

I would go for the artificial insemination (why not give it a try?) or the adoption. That way you are 100% sure there will be no painful consequences for you or your family because you have sex with another man.

Another thing; I don't know how things are like in your country, but in the Western world it isn't a sure thing that your children will "provide for you" or "love you". Your child might be handicapped. Or your child might not be inclined to spend a lot of time with you or let you live in her/his household when you are old.
I just don't think you should have a child just so you won't be alone in the world, that's too much of a burden for a person (your child, that is).

Why is it you would be "alone in the world" after your husband and his family are no longer alive? Don't you have any other family or friends? Maybe it is a cultural problem. But you seem to be very fluent in English, well-educated and informed so I hope you have more ways to "not be alone" than just having a child.

Good luck to you my dear.

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 07:17 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>