I know, I'm not supposed to be over here anymore. But the D/D board gets a little lonely once in a while...

Just wanted to let those of you who used to post to my confused self know that I'm still alive and kickin'. I can't say things are wonderful or that I'm absolutely sure that filing for D was the right decision (I hate that I was the one who pulled the plug.)

But overall things are better for me than they were back in my early days on here.

My DD has done better (not perfect) with curfews, etc., since school started. And she and I are getting along fairly well. She hugs me on occasion, and she even said a few days ago, "Mom, I don't tell you often enough that I love you." (wow! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )I took her and her boyfriend out to dinner tonight. She feels that things are a lot better since her dad left and said she's glad I've gotten my anger under control and that I'm a much better parent now. (Sadly, she thinks I'm getting help for it and I didn't have the heart to tell her I haven't seen an IC for months. I just haven't been angry since things have settled down.)

OW has tried to become DD's best friend, and has had some success, but overall DD is still rather uncomfortable with the WH/OW situation and has only spent one afternoon together with the two of them and OW's children, and she cried most of the time on the phone to me, telling me it was "overwhelming". Bad for them, but good for me, as at least for now it reduces my fear of her wanting to go live with them.

Now that I filed for D, the OW seems to think she's my best friend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . She picks up my DD from school every other afternoon, so I do have to talk with her, but she's made herself the mediator between WH and myself. I do run most things through her because at least I get answered calls that way. But she's weird--she talks to me like we're old buddies.

My mom thinks I'm in denial. Denial of what, I'm not sure. But it bugs her that I don't get angry with OW. Sure, I am upset about what happened. But I realize it took two of them, not just her. I feel sort of sorry for her, because as she's talked with me, I realize she's never been in a normal relationship. Her dad, her step-dad, her first husband, and my WH all have problems with alcohol. She just accepts it as a normal part of life.

Why am I not angry at her? Why am I not in her face every time I have to talk to her? Why don't I hate her guts? I don't know. I just don't desire to fight. I don't desire to be angry. And I guess, I just feel that it lowers me to her level. I feel like God would rather I be a good witness and show kindness rather than hatred.

Same goes for how I treat STBX/WH, on the rare occasions where I actually get to talk to him and not her. However, I do have to watch myself because if we start talking about anything beyond "business issues", I tend to have problems with my emotions. I start thinking of how things used to be and I get sappy. I hope that clears up in time.

He did leave me a strange text message last night. It said "LL, how did we get to this point? I am truly sorry."

At first I wasn't going to respond. But of course it finally got the best of me, so I wrote:

"You decided you weren't happy with me. I had no choice but to let go. Hard to be with you when you're with her, and can't rebuild trust while you have your substances."

I thought that pretty much summed it up. I thought about asking how HE thought we got to this point, but held off. I haven't heard back from him.

It does break my heart. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> People aren't supposed to DV. It hurts, no matter how difficult the M may have been. Maybe I jumped ship too soon. I wish it would have been him and not me that made the decision, but I am following this out to the end because I want financial protection from stupid things he could do while drinking/using.

I'm also refinancing my house (provided the appraisal done last Friday comes back okay). It should close in a week. He's agreed to give it to me with just a few thousand $ to him to buy him out (less than his part of the equity).

In Iowa, the DV waiting period is 90 days. We're 1/3 of the way there. Time flies when you're not really having that much fun. If things go well and we don't argue about anything, it should be final before he and OW jet off to Paris at the end of November.

I'm feeling a little melancholy today. Maybe because on top of this, the pulmonary specialist confirmed on Friday that my dad has "end-stage COPD" (lung disease-from smoking) and is starting to suffer from congestive heart failure which is making him very tired and out of breath, and making his ankles swell up like balloons. His lung capacity is 20%. They have prescribed oxygen 100% of the time, but he can't do it that often because he won't give up cigarettes! It's complicated because he also has early Alzheimer's.

And one of my cats has been losing a lot of weight very rapidly (my animals--two dogs and two cats--have been my lifesavers on lonely nights). Took him to the vet on Saturday and am awaiting final blood work, but vet thinks he has diabetes and a hyperactive thyroid. They're both manageable conditions, sort of. But I'm not sure I'm up to putting meds in his ear and giving him a shot every day, nor am I sure I can afford the cost. On the plus side, of the four animals, I'm the least attached to him. But I still love him enough that it will be a sad decision if I decide to have him put down. I've had him for 10 years.

So, lots to think about and lots keeping me busy right now. I do still try and keep up with reading posts on here, but generally let those who did a more successful job with MB principles than I did give the advice.

LL

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 01:19 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Hello LL,

good to hear from you! Keep posting here my dear, so what if you're on the D-board, we know you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I can understand how that text message from your H really upset you. Maybe you should change your cell phone number? Go a little darker?

I guess it's easier that OW is friendly towards you, though it might feel weird. She probably has a very different view on your M and your H (getting only his input on that) - it's good that she makes the effort of being friendly. Maybe it's a part guilt, part sorry for you thing.. I don't know.. it's better that her ignoring you or doing everything to make your life miserable.

I don't think you jumped the ship too soon. You deserve a full-time, mature H, don't you think?

Got any holidays planned yourself? Have you been doing nice things for yourself lately my dear?
Oh and BTW - if you ever go to Paris yourself, don't go in November or in winter. It's just too cold.. all those nice views are so dreary in the winter sun & cold.. unless there's snow, of course! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

((((Lordslady))))

well LL i've actually been thinking of you, saw your picture on the MB photo album. i don't go to the D/D board because it wasn't real helpful when i posted a question there and the topics didn't really float my boat. but anyway, you can still come here, i don't think there's any "rules" in that regards.

sounds like you are starting to come full circle and starting to have less chaos and drame and that can only be good. it's very unfortunate that you have to have so much contact w/the OW. i'm sure that's only because of your DD. otherwise i would say that she would be borderline harassing you. i know i would certainly feel that way if OW attempted to contact me. i have no interest whatsoever in meeting/talking to my OW for SO many reasons i won't go into here but i'm sure they are pretty common across the BS/WS situations.

keep doing what you can, when you can, for as long as you can, stay the course and start and end each day w/prayer. you didn't pull the plug "early" so don't beat yourself up over that. your WH has lots of issues besides adultery and you know, we all know, can't be solved while he is in such an alien state on so many levels. continued prayers to you and continue to keep us posted, God Bless, RR

Thanks for the update..

YOU have come a loooong way my dear.

You really have.

You will be fine ... I hope your daughter can make peace with her Dad... it's going to be a lot rougher for your daughter than it is for you .... believe it or not.

The infidels are going to put on a happy face around you .... but this is a facade... being married to a drunk is no fun, as both you and I know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep

Milady,

I'm glad you came over here to post to your "buds" in GQII. I think over on the D/D board it's slower and a little more depressing--don't you? Still, I believe there is valuable stuff there like how to deal with the legal system and some "divorce ettiquette" type stuff.

Anyway, you sound pretty good! I wanted to give you two little "Yep--been there--done that--got the t-shirts". First was regarding the kids and that whole relationship. Remember, I have a DS 17yo and a DD 15yo, and my DS is the one who is a little more troublesome. He is ADHD, and has some behavior/social issues, and is constantly "pushing the envelope" (heehee--typical teen I guess). Anyway, at the end when I was with my abusive exH, I think I was just about as angry and abusive as he was. Yep...years of cheating and raging eventually got to me and I lashed right back at him! But in my heart, I knew that was not my true personality...my true personality is kind of funny and peaceful and easy-going. My children had seen the cycle of abuse as a model for how people related to each other, so that's what they thought was "normal" and naturally they were pretty messed up themselves! When we first separated and were living apart, the kids kind of continued in that manner of behaving and relating, but I gradually more and more reverted to my true nature and also more and more used healthy responses. I stopped raging and was more healthy with my anger, using "I" statments and W.T.F.S. (When you...I think...I feel...So...) and REPS to apologize. I took responsibility when I was wrong and did not blame them. SLOWLY BUT SURELY they began to notice and come around. SLOWLY BUT SURELY they began to trust me, to be honest, to model more healthy anger of their own, etc. Why? Because THEY SAW IT. My guess would be that your DD may be similar to my kids. She will come around.

Next, I wanted to comment on your mom thinking you are in denial. When I divorced my exH (remember, just like you I was the one who filed from an abusive, serial cheater, mentally ill sexual addict), my mom wanted me to "go for the jugular" and be cutthroat. That just wasn't me! It wasn't that I didn't want to get what I deserved, or that I was knuckling under, or that I was afraid--I just did not believe that the animosity was worth the extra "things" that I would get. In my mind, all it would do was prolong the contact, increase the hatred, and delay the peace and serenity that I wanted. Thus, I chose NOT to bicker over every little detail, to end some of the monetary stuff rather than "go to trial", and get on with my life and my peace. Don't get me wrong, but I think that there is no possession worth continuing the abusive interaction, so I stood on one or two things and let the rest go--God will provide and moreso!

My mom thought I was nuts! I stood firm on getting my share of the family home--and I asked for a larger percentage in exchange for not asking for alimony. I determined an amount I needed for CS (less than what I "could have gotten") and I agreed to that amount. The rest...I told him he could have anything he wanted because I could easily replace it! Meanwhile, I maintained a fairly decent, civil relationship with my exH. I chose not to be bitter, spiteful and full of hate--and my own mother thought I was in denial. NO! Not denial at all!! I was just making my own decisions to not be a spiteful, vengeful ex! My exH made plenty of decisions to hurt himself and lose it all (and he has)--I just chose to make smart decisions for myself and let him make his own decisions!

So, don't get too stressed out about your mom's statement, milady. She just differs from your opinion. You know YOU better than anyone, and if you are okay with how you are behaving and the woman you are, then I encourage you to keep going. Keep doing reality checks, and keep being honest with yourself, but you know what? You just don't have to choose to HATE THEM! You just don't! It's okay.


CJ