All of the exposure is done and no one seems to care. They (SIL, FIL, etc etc) are actually enabling the A. WW has filled their heads with such crap that the just apease her to make her happy. SIL is so involved it isnt funny. She watches kids and passes messages to OM.

FIL only cares about his own thing and doesnt seem interested in teh well being of his grandchildren.

ITs me against the world and im taking the beating.

Im keeping my eye on the big picture but its getting very hazy.....

Dear JAH,

I'm sorry to hear your IL seem to be so indifferent. My guess is - if that's the sort of environment your W was raised in - she needs to learn about being a loving wife, as she has never had a good example of caring, loving people at home.

And hey - it's not you against the rest of the world, is it? Can't you talk to friends or your own family how are more likely to understand your side of the story? And we're here for you. And for your wife - if she wants to de-fog, that is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there. Don't think too much of your IL's reaction.

Your situation is very common. The same thing happened to me. In fact, none of his family believed that WH was living with the OW.

It is better to have support from the family, but many BS's don't get it. But you can still do this.

JAH

I had a similiar problem as my IL would say stuff to me and something different to him. My MIL actually told me that she didn't agree with his decision, but she wanted him to be happy. This is coming from a woman who had A's her whole life when she was younger. In fact she was having sex with H #1 and H #2 at the same time on and off while she was married to H #2. I know it is hard and you feel alone. I also got constant unwanted advice from friends telling me to dump him. That seems to be the first thing people say....ewww just divorce him or just get rid of him. It is harder than people think with kids. Hang in there, the teeter totter has to swing one way or the other. Get a plan in place, get yourself together. Be prepared for the worse. Expect nothing at this point. And most of all even if you aren't religious pray day and night. Ask for help. Someone once posted a letter from GOD and it was really senseful. It said give it to god and let him take care of it. That is what I did and I wasn't religious at all. Good Luck and in my prayers.

HINY

justa...
have you said things to your wife calmly and matter of factly...

"each time you contact (OM) you do know it is exactly like sticking a knife in my heart?"

what does she to that
what would she say to that....

have you said...

"I believe that if you and I learn to begin to turn towards eachother for support that we could be great together and our family would be awesome..."

what would she say
what's the worst...
what's the best

have you said....

I would like nothing more than to spend a few hours with you some evening this week...
just sitting next to you"


have you confronted the OM ..in letter or words
have you exposed on the OM's side...

have you asked your wife exactly what her plan is..

have you told her that you are not going anywhere....

ARK

Just a Husband - are you and your wife Christians?

If not, who, or what is "lord of your life" for each of you? Whose standards are "embraced?"

What meaning does "Married" have for each of you?

There is much that I don't understand about your relationship to make many meaningful comments or suggestions.

The ONE comment that I can make regarding this post is a simple one. Husband and wife, alone, against the world if that is necessary.

It is YOUR marriage. The two of you are "one flesh" and responsible for your marriage and for no other.

So what ARE the two of you doing to help recover your marriage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> justa...
have you said things to your wife calmly and matter of factly...

"each time you contact (OM) you do know it is exactly like sticking a knife in my heart?"

what does she to that
what would she say to that....

have you said...

"I believe that if you and I learn to begin to turn towards eachother for support that we could be great together and our family would be awesome..."

what would she say
what's the worst...
what's the best

have you said....

I would like nothing more than to spend a few hours with you some evening this week...
just sitting next to you"


have you confronted the OM ..in letter or words
have you exposed on the OM's side...

have you asked your wife exactly what her plan is..

have you told her that you are not going anywhere....

ARK </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have not had those discussions with her specifically. I think if told that it hurt she would do it more. I have said that we can be there for eachother. She just wont let me in.

I have not confronted the OM.

I have told her that i am not going anywhere and that the kids arent either. She then said something to the effect that she has spoken to a lawyer and that they are drawing something up that if she does leave the house that i cant take the kids away from her. My response to her was that it was and never will be my intention to take the kids away from her.

so justa does she say she is leaving...with or without the kids....

and has she given a date...

I think if told that it hurt she would do it more.

that's such an interesting thought/conclusion..

if you believe that...
then it's as if her affair is not driven by emotions and longing for the fantasy world of OM...but solely driven to hurt you...

that in reality she uses the OM ...not to fill emotional anything...but to hurt you...

do you really believe...
do you see her affair as more as something to smite and spite you...rather than true "emotional connection"???

interesting...

ARK

I think its both. I think its mostly selfish reasons and fantasy on her part.

I guess im just feeling down and used right now.

I dont understand the kiss..fromt he other night...is it just pitty....not sure

She has not set a date...i think she is on the fence and is having her cake and eating it. I think as long as she can get away with it she will.

JAH, I'm right there with you. I'm feeling like I'm spinning my wheels.

Ark and JAH, please read my latest post on the update of my Plan A. Would love your thoughts.

My biggest question is am I really trying to negotiate an end to Plan A? and How do I do that?

Just a Husband,

Many WS's families apparently react the same way. In my instance, I thought that I had a great supportive relationship with my In-laws and the rest of WW's family. I have not heard word one from most of them. I was deeply offended but if you read a lot of posts, this is quite common.

It still hurts an awful lot.

Just - ditto those who replied that your ILs reactions are not unusual. Add to that that she may have very effectively branded you as some Eddie Haskel who always put on his good face when you were around them. Oh, and did you forget that you were an ax murderer in a previous life? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Do not underestimate the creativity of a WS and those bound to him/her via unconditional love.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ForeverHers:
<strong> Just a Husband - are you and your wife Christians?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FH - exactly what is your agenda?

Your thinly veiled implication in this and other posts is that unless one is Christian, one can hardly do anything "right."

Unless I'm wrong interpreting your take on things, this condensending, narrow minded view is out of place on this forum, in my opinion. As we can amply see here, adherance to any faith - or to no faith - has little bearing on the homogeneous mixture of infidelity. If anything, espousing a "higher belief" here serves only to identify another character flaw - hypocrisy.

WAT

yes it seems that she has been making and extra effort to reach her family and cry and tell them what a orge i am. It all just seems so unfair....

I admit to what i bring and dont bring to the R but i am not responsible for her decision to have an A nor am i doing anything to justify it now.

It all hurts so bad....

I'm with you, Just.

If you do a word search on "ogre" I think you'll find some of my old posts where I used that term to describe how my in-laws treated me. I went from favorite SIL (of 3) to ogre overnight. I was in a relationship with my XW for about 20 years and was very close to my in-laws. Best I can tell, I got absolutely zero support from them, except for some secret support from one of her sisters, who eventually turned "double agent." As brownhair suggested, this may say a lot about her family's sense of right and wrong. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.

WAT

Her parents were married for over 40 years until her mother passed last year. Which i think has alot to do with her pain. We also lost a daughter 2 years ago. Her birthday is this week.

She was very close to her mother and not to her father.

I did not know you lost a child. I did as well and I believe this tragedy begat the next tragedy - the affair. Do you think this played a role in your wife's situation?

I know all too well the meaning of a lost child's birthday. Like I think of my lost son, be thankful for the time you had your daughter.

WAT

yes i do think this is part of the current tragedy. I think both losses were and are tremendous on her. Ww is not one to face her issues. its easier for her to run and this is what i think she is doing.

My daughter was 2 years ago, her mother was 1 year ago and her father has already moved on to another woman and is planning on moving out of state.

JAH,

Wow. About all I can say.

I do find your screen name interesting. If that which does not kill us makes us stronger, you must be pretty strong. Much more than "Just A Husband" would be.

Kind of makes me think you have a real good handle on humility, and the strength that ensues from it.

If you ever have a "weak" day, at least know that you have quite a few fellow men that feel there is quite a lot of nobility in character such as that. Don't let the world get to you. I'm sure you will do the right thing.

NCWalker

thanks

Right now im not feeling like "Just a Husband" more like:

Just a doormat
Just a ATM
Just a fool
Just a man that feels very hopeless

Just a doormat "forgive them, they know not what they do" - sounds like patience to me.

Just a ATM "give to Caesar what is Caesar's" - sounds like you are not sweating some worldly discomfort because you believe what you are doing is right

Just a fool how long did it take for the disciples to UNDERSTAND the good news? Perhaps a fool according to the world. Since when has the world in general held principles in regard?

Just a man that feels very hopeless And therein lies the key. Hope is a choice. And a hard one. The last statement you made is the REASON for the first three. Today you are weak, and we will help. Tomorrow it will be someone elses turn and YOU will help. No shame there. We are all parts of the body, with our own strengths and weaknesses.

My original comments still stand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NCW