I am a married man, of 2 years. The word happy does not even describe my marrige..it was blissful. I would say I am the luckiest man on this planet, although I am sure there are some others out there that feel the same way. I use instant messenger for work and over the past year I would get random IM's from people..a few woman to be exact. I never had any intentions of ever cheating on my wife..ever. I would speak to these woman (for reasons I still do not know) Sometimes the conversations would turn sexual in nature. All of them would want to meet. Seeing as I would never stray from my marriage I would just stop responding or block the person when the conversations went too far. I then began to wonder if these were even females that I was speaking to. So with this last woman I decided to find out. I thought it was all harmless..simply finding out if it was even a woman on the other end and seeing as I never had any intention of meeting anyone, ever..what was the harm. Well..I was wrong. My wife read a few of the emails and saw the graphic pictures people would send. I have crushed her, potentially crushed us. My love, my best friend, my wife. I have told her 1000 times that I was never planning on meeting anyone, and at the time had not even thought that what I was doing was cheating. I thought it was harmless fun, although by keeping something from my wife I was in fact cheating. We are now in theropy and going for our second session this evening. I have spent the past 3 weeks sleeping out of my home and am so alone, so sad for what I have done to my wife. She feels she can never trust me again, that our love will never be as strong as it was. That our lives will never be able to overcome this. I have to admit my wife is certainly stubborn, but with what I have done, how can I blame her. I live for my wife and what we had and what I believe we still have together. I do not know how to make things better. That is something I have always been able to do and for the first time it is out of my control. I want her to know that this will never happen again. That my heart only belongs to her. How can she ever trust me again? How can I start the path to making things better, stronger even. If this has ever happened to anyone, please help me.

soutterlyashamed,
Welcome to MB, I'm sorry you've found us under these circumstances. I can offer you hope for recovery. As my H entered entered the same odd world as you did. Unfortunately one IM chat went a litte too far, it turned into an EA, and then a PA when little miss chat flew from Texas to New Jersey.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. I have spent the past 3 weeks sleeping out of my home and am so alone, so sad for what I have done to my wife. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very hard on your wife too, but I did the same thing. I know I could NOT have moved forward with my own recovery and healing if I didn't make my H leave. Of course at the time, I really didn't believe we could or would ever recover, but here we are.... 6 months later doing fairly well.

Your W needs ACTION. Words won't cut it right now. Be consistent, read up on Plan A here, sometimes you can apologize too many times. The biggest leap of faith you can take is to agree with your W and let her know you understand this is time she needs to heal.

BE THERE. Let her know you got caught up in a fantasy, and that is all it was...fantasy. She is reality, and you know you'll be a better H to her if given a chance.

She'll come around. Give her time, love, and patience. And forgive yourself. Unless you forgive you..how will your wife ever forgive you ?

Thank you for responding..I was wondering if anyone had taken the time to read my problem. Things she is not sure of..she is not sure if i ever did cheat (I happen to travel alot for work). She is not sure if this was all just fantasy (because I called the woman, she thinks there is a strong chance I would have gone through with it) I would never hurt my wife, alhough I did..I just did not know what I was doing was so wrong. I thought only physical contact would be considered cheating. It has been 3 weeks of sleeping out of the house. Sometimes I get angry (although we both do not want to argue, sometimes we do.) I understand her anger towards me..i mean..I am the cause of this problem. The thing is..she is not sure she wants to stay married to me..if that ever becomes a reality the dark hole that is my world now will seem like nothing compared to a life without her. But after 3 weeks..how can she not know if she even wants to stay married? I mean, I know this will take time to heal..but by her even contimplating to leave me over this is so darn scary.

Thank you for responding..I was wondering if anyone had taken the time to read my problem. Things she is not sure of..she is not sure if i ever did cheat (I happen to travel alot for work). She is not sure if this was all just fantasy (because I called the woman, she thinks there is a strong chance I would have gone through with it) I would never hurt my wife, alhough I did..I just did not know what I was doing was so wrong. I thought only physical contact would be considered cheating. It has been 3 weeks of sleeping out of the house. Sometimes I get angry (although we both do not want to argue, sometimes we do.) I understand her anger towards me..i mean..I am the cause of this problem. The thing is..she is not sure she wants to stay married to me..if that ever becomes a reality the dark hole that is my world now will seem like nothing compared to a life without her. But after 3 weeks..how can she not know if she even wants to stay married? I mean, I know this will take time to heal..but by her even contimplating to leave me over this is so darn scary. Sometimes I feel like the longer we stay apart, the easier it is for her to leave

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just did not know what I was doing was so wrong. I thought only physical contact would be considered cheating. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You gave another woman, other than your wife, time, attention, intimacy, desire.

What she feels right now is very normal, and she may very well come out the other end of this tunnel NOT wanting to work on the M. I haven't quite figured out why some spouses stay in the M, while others abandon once there is any type of A. There are no common patterns in this case..it's a very individual decision.

The fact that your W is going to counseling..is a positive sign...why would anyone enter into MC without at least the INTENT of possible saving the M ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometimes I get angry </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are you angry ? Could this possibly be misplaced onto your W and you're not aware of it ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Things she is not sure of..she is not sure if i ever did cheat (I happen to travel alot for work). She is not sure if this was all just fantasy (because I called the woman, she thinks there is a strong chance I would have gone through with it) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe your W is seeking validation, how do you KNOW you wouldn't have gone through with it ? Did you enter into the IM/Chat situations with the intent or purpose to hurt or betray your wife ?
Of course not, things so easily get swept out of control in these situations.

It's a detachment from your life, your W, your marriage.

Maybe THAT is what she is waiting for...for you to acknowledge that you "detached" yourself from her.

This isn't a quick fix, you'll have to really dig deep. If all your actions, and words are coming out of the here and now, you may miss the warning signs that were there earlier. You may not THINK they were there...but they were.

SOMETHING ...made your M vulnerable to an A. Conversation ? What are YOUR emotional needs ? Better yet...what are your wifes ?

These are all terms you will become familiar with during your visits here.

Read, read and read. You'll see hope for your situation.

Keep posting. and LISTEN to your wife, offer solutions, be part of the healing and fixing process, offer passcodes to all email accounts, full accountability, willfully, so your wife understands you've taken blind trust away, but you're willing to open up all parts of your life, to show her, reassure her.

Small consistent steps.