<small>[ September 25, 2004, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Pemberlay - These first few days will be difficult and my heart goes out to you. My WH moved out almost 4 months ago and the hardest part is detaching yourself from him. Right now he knows that you are waiting for him so he can take comfort in doing what ever he wants knowing you are sitting around waiting for him. You need to keep going with your life during this time. Go out with friends, keep busy, do not always be available when he wants to see you, let him to be the one to initiate a lot of the contact (however, if it's been a few days find some legitimate excuse to contact him). Plan A combined with the 180 is what seems to be working for me (although my situation is far from over, one way or another).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His words and actions this past week have really encouraged me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His actions consist of separating from you and moving out of state. The rest is window dressing that is spawned from a guilty conscience. He's trying to make this easier on himself by trying to make it easier on you. Look at the big picture and act accordingly.

I've been blunt in my posts to you, because I made many of the same mistakes, but my situation allows me to make more mistakes because we have two children. This will always draw my WW and she must occasionally sleep in a house that is void of their laughter. In my separation agreement she consented to me getting them every weekend. I also get them this Christmas morning. The illicit passion of her tawdry home wrecking X 2 filth-fling will wear off eventually and the realities of her poor choices will remain.

You don't have that. There must be other consequences for this behavior at some point. I suggest getting the counsel of the Harley's or P.Tuppy for advice on what to do when he is actually gone. I'm not sure that knowing you are pining for him while living with your parents will do it. I hope some of the more experienced members pipe in here.

I wish you well.

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Pem, i've posted to you a few times and just wanted to reiterate something i've said before and that if you do not have children then SH does not recommend plan B. now granted you cannot apply plan B to every situation based on the presence or absence of children, it's not some tool that fits every situation. only like binder said that if children are involved then there is always a connection.

as far as plan A, yes you should always do that until plan B or D. but you still are the one that has to set boundaries about you will and won't do during that time. from my counseling w/SH my impression is that you shouldn't really offer anymore than a hug at this point. now if something more is offered to you then it's up to you whether or not you take him up on the offer.

as far as the reconciliation part, well all i can do is relate to you what i've learned and/or read. that the fact he is into pornography and cyber sex needs to be treated as an addiction. what do people in addictions do? they lie and deny. what binder said was true and what is true of most WS is that what they say/do is to make them feel better about themselves and in some twisted way they believe that may inflict less hurt on us. what i have learned about people in addictions and especially pornographic addictions is that a marriage cannot be rebuilt until the person is under treatment.

how can you ever be sure of this if you are living separately? i know this is not your choice but that's reality. i think you will probably have to walk a fine line in dealing w/an addicted H as well as plan A. really only a good counselor can help you w/that. you are in a situation where you had to move back home and do not have a lot of money so i know counseling w/the harleys is probably out of the question. but there are other avenues that you can pursue. i also know that i've suggested a book to you before and would like to do that again, it's called "living w/your husband's secret wars" by marsha means and can be bought online at family.org which is a website by Dr. James Dobson. This i'm sure is just one title among many that deal w/this subject.

i think that's more of the approach that you need to go w/is how to deal w/a person who is in an addiction which is what your H is in. he's addicted and anything he says or does cannot really be taken as genuine and as the way it's going to be from that point on. as i try to say to everyone, you are the one that is going to have to ultimately live w/the decisions you make in this situation, you are in your shoes, not us. but just w/the nature of the forums you are bound to get wanted/unwanted advice. you need to gleam what you can and use what you think you can given your situation. do what you can, when you can, for as long as you can.

what am i trying to say? i guess maybe a little of a caution. in that you will probably continue to receive advice to not take what you H says or does as the real mccoy no matter what your heart and head tell you right now because you cannot remain objective. all of "this" is not going to be over any time soon. we are talking months and months and years even. this is regardless of whether or not you go into recovery. because if you will never file for a D and your H doesn't then you are still left to have to deal w/his addiction. once in recovery, the average to full recovery is about 2 years. it's a lot to think about and take in but time will help and act as your friend and God is always there for you.

continued prayers to you, RR

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>