Ok, I have read a lot of threads and there is a lot of good advice here. I didn't see any thing related to mine so here I go. 4 months ago my W went to her home town to visit relatives and ran into an old boyfriend. She said it was only a friendship. She told me about this and so it was no big deal at the time. Well advance 6 weeks later and she is calling with a calling card behind my back and on her cell phone 4 to 5 times a day. I will never know what happened up there. They were planning a trip for him to come down when I was out of town. It didn't happen. I confronted her about the phone calls and she said it would stop. The calls stopped for 3 days and started again. I confronted her again about it and told her it must stop or I will leave. It has been 2 months now since she told me she has stopped calling him. She is not regretfully for what she did. I do not know if they are still talking. She said she wants to work on us but I don't see her making an effort. She has already started to go back to school and I am afraid that once she finishes she will leave. She is talking about going back to her hometown again because she wants to visit with her family again. (YEAH RIGHT) She is talking about having an open relationship. She does not want me to tell the family because she doesn't want to get them involved. She doesn't want to see a counselor. She says her feelings towards him are the same and have not changed. It feels like she is stringing me along because she doesn't want to be the "BAD PERSON" by asking me to leave but I leave them I choose to. She makes a lot of sarcastic comments towards me have I fell like there she has little respect for me. Is all this just writing on the wall and I am in denial??

4 months ago my W went to her home town to visit relatives and ran into an old boyfriend.

She may have been in contact with him prior to this visit.... sorry.

She said it was only a friendship.

It isn't only a friendship.... sorry.

She told me about this and so it was no big deal at the time. Well advance 6 weeks later and she is calling with a calling card behind my back and on her cell phone 4 to 5 times a day.

If it were only a friendship, she would not find it necessary to hide the calls from her husband.

I will never know what happened up there. They were planning a trip for him to come down when I was out of town. It didn't happen.

This may not have been their first planned encounter... sorry.

I confronted her about the phone calls and she said it would stop.

She lied .... sorry.

The calls stopped for 3 days and started again. I confronted her again about it and told her it must stop or I will leave.

THIS was a big mistake.... you gave her reason to be more careful about hiding her contact with him.....

It has been 2 months now since she told me she has stopped calling him.

Do you believe her?

She is not regretfully for what she did.

RED flag... sorry.

I do not know if they are still talking.

Assume she is finding a way to talk to him.

Radio shack sells inexpensive voice-activated recorders that can be taped to the underside of her car seat.

She said she wants to work on us but I don't see her making an effort.

What effort would you like to see?

counseling?
doing the needs questionairre?
be specific about what she needs to do to "work on us" .... give her a specific task.... and then you may see some movement.

She has already started to go back to school and I am afraid that once she finishes she will leave.

Don't be afraid.... Plan A.... Look up Plan A on this site. Plan A means making your home and marriage a joyful and welcoming place...

She is talking about going back to her hometown again because she wants to visit with her family again. (YEAH RIGHT)

If she plans a trip.... surprise her by going with her... "Surprise honey! I got some time off and we can go together." Then, give her a BIG SMILE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Then watch her reaction.

She is talking about having an open relationship.

BIG RED flag!!!!! What was your response?

She does not want me to tell the family because she doesn't want to get them involved.

She doesn't want to tell the family what exactly?

She doesn't want to see a counselor. She says her feelings towards him are the same and have not changed.

She's lying.... or if I am wrong... she will jump for joy when she learns you are going back to her home town with her..... but, I think she is lying. What do you think?

It feels like she is stringing me along because she doesn't want to be the "BAD PERSON" by asking me to leave but I leave them I choose to. She makes a lot of sarcastic comments towards me have I fell like there she has little respect for me. Is all this just writing on the wall and I am in denial??

Well, you may need to snoop more to have some of these things answered.

You could hire a PI.

Do you know the OM's name? If they went to school together, it should be easy to trace him. Find out if he is married.... if he is married, research a way to locate his wife and talk to her... tell her what you know.... but this comes after you know more about what is going on...

The red flags do not make this look innocent.... sorry.

The BEST counselor is one of the Harley's ...you can counsel alone before asking your wife to get involved.

Pep

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Yes I know this is more than just a friendship. I did not think at the 2nd time I confronted her that it would be a big mistake to make her stop calling him. Should I have it let it die naturally?? In have been in Plan A for 2 months now. I don't see here makng a effort as in not making time in her day for us to spend together. She says she is too busy with school and the kids and something has to go on the back burner and it is me and our M. She has put all her focus and energy towards that. As for telling our problems to the family she doesn't want to tell about the A because they will judge her. As for the OM, yes I know his name, number eveything. He is in the middle of a D. Yes I know this is an A. So how can I trust that she is not calling him anymore?? She knows I have access to the cell. I also made her choose between the OM or me but as far I see that was the wrong thing to do. So now I really have no way if she is still talking to the OM. Should I procedure to Plan B if I have no evidence that they are stilling talking?? I feel she is not commited to making this M work. She also doesn't consider her EA the same as PA. She is still trying to justify that she can talk to him just as friends and can put her felling a side for their "friendship".

IceMan,

As usual Pep has done an outstanding job dissecting your post. The area of my greatest fear for you is that the OM is going through a D( please verify this!). It is hard enough to breakup a mainly one person driven A but when you throw in another wounded person going through a D himself, the mixture is extremely volatile.

I know you won't follow this next piece of advice, but here it comes anyway. Stop trying to "find out" if an A has occurred, it has. Attempts at confirmation will only temporarily distract you( make you feel like you are doing something about your situation) but what you find out will ALWAYS be devastating to you. I know, I intercepted my WW's emails for months and all they did was cause me grievous pain.

Yes I have verfied that the OM is going through a D. It is true. I am also not trying find out if an A happened because I already know it has. I guess even though I made my WW wife to choose, she will continue to have the A until it dies out by itself with or with out my demands, right?? So I proceed with Plan A until when?? How do I know Plan A is working if I don't have any proof that they are or not talking. Trust her??? I tried that... By the way she acts and responds she makes to me like my fellings for him have not changed ensure that she is not commited to make the M wok right now?? She also thinks it is unrealisitic to have time together everything single day?? Does that make sense??