Bob and believer...thanks for your replies. These threads give good examples of fog talk. What I really need is a definition of exactly what the fog and fog talk is.
Ill start off myself.
We often use the expression "seeing through rose coloured glasses". Being "in the fog", due to having an affair, is similar. It changes the WS's perception of reality, both past, present and future. It also makes the spouse totally self centred and unable to consider anyone else but his/herself. It also renders him incapable of seeing anything but the faults of the BS and puts him in mind to injure the BS verbally.
1. Change of perception of the past. I remember telling my BS that I had never really loved him and that I had married him because I thought that i wouldnt find anyone else. I truly believed this when I was in the fog. Looking back now I know just how much in love we were and how that wedding day was truly the happiest day of my life. The fog clouded my memory of this time.
2. Change of perception of the present. When my affair began I had a reasonably happy marriage. We had our ups and downs , like anyone else, and both failed to meet each others needs in some respects. Overall, however, we were happy, wonderfully communicative and loved each other. Having the affair made me begin to believe that our marriage was actually not that good and made me concentrate on the negative aspects of it. In my fog i would tell my husband all these things. This made him terribly sad as he began to believe that we had been living a lie for all those years.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
The WS may also believe that God wants the affair to happen, it is fate and nothing can be done about it. Religious values are completely clouded. Fog talk will reflect this.
3. Change of perception of the future. I had always looked forward to retirement with my husband. we had wonderful plans about how we were going to remodel our home and of the trips that we would take together and other things that we would do. The fog made me believe that retirement with him would be a dreadful prospect. i remember clearly telling him that i did not want to spend my retirement with him....
4. Spouse becomes Self centred Self becomes the focus of the WS's life. Children become a side issue and we believe that they will thrive through a break-up. We pretend that they are strong, resilient and adaptable. No amount of research results will convince us otherwise. I told a friend that " I cannot sacrifice my happiness for anyone else". True love , of course, is the opposite of this. The bible teaches us that the greatest love is one who lays down his life for his friends. When we truly love we are prepared to sacrifice whatever for those we love. The fog eclipses this view and whilst we are in it we truly love only ourselves. We think that we love the OP but we actually love only the way that he/she makes us feel. Fog talk will reflect this. there is an example on another thread of a man who wanted to take his daughter out of hospital for the night so that he could see the OW.... Our true feelings for our loved ones are eclipsed.
4. WS sees only the faults of the BS and will try to verbally injure them Fault finding is an essential part of the fog. The attitude of "You drove me into this affair" is commonplace. A WS will shift all blame for the cause of the affair onto the BS. Harley teaches us that whilst the WS is in the fog that the BS cannot deposit love units. The fog makes us see the negative in our spouses and believe that we are truly incompatible.
Verbally injuring spouses is another aspect of this. The WS will want the BS to leave him/her and will take every opportunity to injure him/her verbally in order to try and precipitate this. The WS does not want to take the blame for the affair happening and so shifting of blame and general negative perception of the BS is necessary. The WS will probably not realise the motivation behind their compulsion to fault find. The fog simply changes their view of their spouse. The one in the fog cannot imagine any view other than their own being right.
5.The WS will feel that the BS is trying to take control of their life. The WS wants space (ie to do what they like and not be bound by wedding vows). They honestly feel that the BS wants to run their life and have then fit into a mould that they do not fit into (ie happy marriage to teh BS). they do not understand that the BS is being perfectly reasonable in their aspirations of a normal married life. Thus their speech will be peppered with the need that they have for space and accusations of the BS being a control freak whose purpose in life is to stop them from being happy.
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My husband once told me that he was out walking on a very foggy day. The fog was so thick that he could barely see his hand if he put it infront of him. He could see neither behind, infront or around him. the only thing he could percieve was himself. This is what the WS is like in the fog. WS cannot see the past, present or future as it truly is. Self is the dominating factor, and even that may not be seen clearly. As the fog lifts, the WS will slowly see reality. Any contact with the Op will cause the fog to fall again to a greater or lesser extent.
Please feel free to add (or subtract!) from this thread. I hope that it is useful to someone. Certainly as I have been writing I have become more aware of the true extent of the verbal cruelty suffered by my husband during my fog (which lasted a very long time). i can now better understand how much I hurt him and why he is so reluctant to commit to trying in our relationship....
<small>[ September 21, 2004, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: Debbra ]</small>
