Hi:

After 18 years of marriage, I got divorced about six months ago. My ex and I are now talking about reconciliation and trying to get along.

One of the causes of our divorce was infidelity from both of us. I feel ashamed of my past affairs and I feel very sorry about them. If I were to do things again, I would have not cheated on my spouse. However, what is done is done and I take full responsibility for what I did. I acknowledge what I did and I do not make any excuses because there are none.

My ex also had a few affairs. However, she only acknowledges her last episode as an "affair". According to her, the episode of 1995 was NOT an affair. In 1995, my now ex left me. We were living in another State and we had a year old boy when she told me that she wanted the divorce and that she was moving out. At first, she gave me some valid reasons for living me. But then, she broke the big news. She told me that she had been talking with her ex-boyfriend over the phone and that she felt she was still in love with him. According to her, she had her boyfriend in her mind for the first 9 years of our marriage and she felt she needed to go back to her ex to get "closure".

I was devastated by the news. I cried and suffered for many weeks. She took off to another city and she treated me and my son like we were garbage. She was on the phone with him every night and she even would lie to me about him. On one ocassion, she told me that she was not going to talk to him anymore. She then told me that she was going to the supermarket to buy some stuff. A month later, I learned that she went to the supermarket and that she called him from the supermarket's pay phone. She even tried to go to see him but I learned she was going to do that so I went to the airport and begged her not to go. She did not. A few weeks latter, I found his picture on her carrying bag as well as a notebook with notes about the way she felt about him and about their sexual fantasies. I can go on and on but it was avey painful experience and I felt that she abandoned me and our son for this man.

The question I have is this: My ex feels that this was NOT an affair because she never had sex with him nor was able to see him because I showed up to the airport. I feel that this was an affair and it hurts me that she can acknowledge that. I am not trying to keep tabs on how many affairs she had. That is not the point. It was just a painful event in my life and I already forgive her. However, if I was to get back together, I feel she needs to show some accountability for what she did for me to be assured that a lesson was learned and that it will not happen again. Am I been too silly? Is she right? Do you consider her act an affair or should I try to forget about it?

Julio

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Yes, that was an affair, an emotional one. Most average folks think of an affair as a physical relationship. But an emotional one can be just as damaging.

She left you, treated you and son poorly, and caused you a lot of pain. If she is not very, very remorseful, I would be very careful.

I am Lynn, Julio's ex wife. I've been posting on MB for about 3 years. (I've also gone by the name of Pana). Anyway, I would like to reply here. It is true that when this incident first happened, I did not consider it an affair. I was very young, very imature, and 10 years younger! I have understood for a while that it was indeed an affair. I look back on that time with deep emotions, because now I can see how that man suffered and how much he loved me and how he stood by me and would not let me go. I am very gratefull now. I wasn't then and I am sorry for that. I will always admire and love him for his actions during that very difficult time in our marriage. Since that time, we have gone to hell and back again. We are in the process of trying to reconcile and we don't really know what we are doing or how to go about this. We both have reservations as neither one of us had our needs met. There is also an issue of trust and being completely involved in each other's lives. I feel that we should hide NOTHING from each other including bank accounts, email passwords, cell phone passwords, etc. He still believes that it's okay to have his own private life as when we were married.
We are trying, but so far it's been a bumpy road.