Hi All, I'm in this new relationship (nearly 6 months!) and I find that if my SO refers to another woman in a fond way (eg a friend he already has or an ex) that I feel jealous. I tend to keep quiet about it, even though I feel hurt but he has told me that he knows I don't like it, so he's picking up on it and I don't want this to get in the way of the R - nothings less attractive than jealousy.

I thought about why I feel this way and it seems to come back to feeling compared and not good enough. I then get frightened that he will go elsewhere as ex-H did. But I know this is not the same relationship. This is about me rather than him. Nor do I want to change him. I want to change me because there's an insecurity there and whether he stays or goes I will still have it.

Can anyone give me advice on how to deal with this?

I think you need to be honest with him. He needs be aware of your insecurities. He should understand you have been burned in the past and have trust issues with everyone not just him.

He should care enough to be understanding and not put you in a situation that makes you feel insecure. He has not exprienced the devistation you have, regarding trust in a relationship.

Be open & honest and do all you can to show you trust him.

Hi Liz - how much does SO know about your marital crisis?

If he knows the truth and your struggles, he should reasonably understand your cautiousness and reactions, if he's a compassionate man.

But 6 months is a pretty short time to be getting this heavy.

What is HIS relationship background? Can he reasonably identify with yours?

When the time is right, order a copy of "Fall in Love, Stay in Love." Share it with him. I did this with my SO and the pay backs are, well, a good investment.

No worries,
WAT

Hi Cruising and WAT - thanks for replying to me.

He knows about what I've been through. We knew each other about 10 months before we were going out and for about 4 months of that we were in a group that would go out dancing together. During that time we'd all talk and tell about what has happened to us (we've all got a story of some sort). I've also told him how I feel and he says he understands.

But he has not been through this kind of breakup.

For example he has told me about a woman at a real estate (the real estate is his client) who is extra nice to him and now wants some landscaping work done at her house (privately) and wants him to come across on the weekend to have a look at it.

Apparently she has a boyfriend, but she's being extra nice. I've asked him if she knows that he has a girlfriend and he said he hasn't mentioned it.

Now admittedly SO is telling me everything.
Admittedly you don't announce to your customers that you have a girlfriend.
Admittedly it does take two to tango and even if she's interested it dosen't mean he has to react.
He's told me not to worry about it, and I've said that I am, but obviously he isn't interested in her so it dosen't matter (and he replied that was right).

But frankly I'm scared out of my brain! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and know that its a lot of stuff from the "ex-files".

But I'm wondering how much of it is his responsibility and how much of it is mine.

I feel like the only option I have is to trust and see what happens and hope I'm not been taken for a fool again.

I tend to think he likes the attention and that makes me wonder if I'm giving him enough - I'm certainly trying as hard as I can, tell him his wonderful, sexy, attractive, smart, kind. I listen to his business woes and plans. He said she gives him work and he's using it to his advantage and its nice that he likes her. So I just replied that I trust him (but clearly I don't really???)

I feel like I'm fullfilling all his needs but I'm scared that its still not enough, maybe I'm not giving him enough attention????

Am I presuming too much about this? Maybe I just need to step back and wait?

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 01:44 AM: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</small>

We don't know exactly where you are in your relationship, so it's hard to know how much for you to explain to him, and it's hard to know what he will accept/not accept as far as protecting your feelings, and extending care.

If he hasn't done things that keep you from trusting him, then he may wonder where you are coming from. Even if you explain things to him, it's not the same as living it, so he won't get it like some one that has lived on MB for a couple of years.


I feel like the only option I have is to trust and see what happens and hope I'm not been taken for a fool again.

There are people in the world that have the same values that you have. Question is how do you know? Prayer works well for me when I don't know something that is really important for me to know. I'm not trying to be funny.

I tend to think he likes the attention and that makes me wonder if I'm giving him enough - I'm certainly trying as hard as I can, tell him his wonderful, sexy, attractive, smart, kind. I listen to his business woes and plans. He said she gives him work and he's using it to his advantage and its nice that he likes her. So I just replied that I trust him (but clearly I don't really???)

Clearly, you were hurt so badly that you have a hard time trusting anyone completly. It will take time, but you have been here, and you have read the stories, and you have seen trust restored.
There are some people that NEVER get enough attention. If he is one of those, you will be able to see it over time. I........darn.......I hope you don't get hurt like before. I almost wish things had progressed more slowly, but here you are.

I feel like I'm fullfilling all his needs but I'm scared that its still not enough, maybe I'm not giving him enough attention????

You sound like you did a long time ago, when you wondered if you did everthing you could to get XH back. IN that case, it was him that had the problem, not you. In this case, we don't know if you are fullfilling his needs, but my bet is that you are doing it as well as it can be done. If he hs a problem, it could be him.

I have no idea, but again, over time you will know. Give yourself credit, you have alot going for you. All of us have room for improvement, but don't doubt yourself so much.

Am I presuming too much about this? Maybe I just need to step back and wait?

I think you understand. Take some time, and see where it goes.


It can still hurt some, I don't deny that, but the good wouldn't feel good if we didn't have the bad for contrast. Please don't be afraid, remember who you are, and believe you can do this. If you have as much faith in YOU, as we do, I don't think you will fail.

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Prayer works well for me when I don't know something that is really important for me to know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Check - doing this. I have to remember that whatever other people do is not a reflection on me and may be independent of me. I can only go I what I know and not presume into the future - which I do too much as you may remember <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I've often said I would be a good disaster planner/risk assessor <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope you don't get hurt like before. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too, I am trusting God on this one.


I must say I learnt a lot during plan A and from people here. Things are very different. I can see some patterns developing and at least I know how to deal with them now. You're right though, in the end I can only do what I can and 50% is up to him.

I went out dancing last night - don't worry its my social circle of friends and they all know SO as we met there. SO didn't come but I had fun which was what I needed.

Tomorrow SO and I is goin' fish'n overnight on the boat (sorry WAT, still no sign of sails on it), and yes I can bait my own hook and can get the fish off 50% of the time (before I have to throw it back in the ocean <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

Happy birthday for tomorrow SS.

Hi Liz,

I would sing Happy Birthday, but I wouldn't want to cause a disturbance on the World Wide Web.

So, Happy Birthday, and may your future be very bright. I think it ought to be realy good, can't think of any reason why it wouldn't be.

Let us know how the trip goes. Will be praying for you.

SS

Hi SS, had a great birthday, although the motor's battery on the boat died (or "why all boats should come with a set of sails"). It was OK though and didn't bother me much, it was calm, the weather was good and the coastal patrol came to rescue us, just as the snapper started biting!

The whole weekend was lovely and now I have some time off. Did I tell you I start a new job soon?

There is one thing I have to say, although MB did not save my M, I reread all the principles the other day, and now applying them. I've decided to just not react but protect my boundaries in all situations - not just with SO.

I'd like him to read the MB stuff and have left the book lying around before but no bites yet. Will try again another time. But as WAT pointed out, we've only being going out 6 months, so its a bit early anyway.

SEAHORSE --

I haven't been here in months. Elad and I stay in touch and he let me know you had posted something here.

Happy Birthday (belated). I finally got a divorce which was final the day before Christmas (yuck), but it was the right thing to do. After two years of separation and all this struggle I went through I just needed to be done.

Dating again? Hmm. It has been a challenge. I made the mistake of dating someone briefly in January and realized I was in no way ready for that. I just started dating again and am scared to death for many of the same reason you've outlined in your posts.

I really hope you're well. I think I'm finally strong enough to be posting here again -- I needed a break from everything after my father died, my divorce was final, and then my mother was diagnosed with cancer this spring.

Please feel free to reach me at my regular email -- liseaa@coct.org. I'd love to hear from you and share more on the dating.

I like your writing style,
I laughed and laughed about the battery story. What did SO have to say about all of it? Did he laugh about it?


You had a difficult time in your job for quite a while. More people problems than anything it seems like. I really hope this new one works better for you.


There is one thing I have to say, although MB did not save my M, I reread all the principles the other day, and now applying them. I've decided to just not react but protect my boundaries in all situations - not just with SO.

I can tell you from personal experiance that the MB materials really work. Avoiding LB's and meeting needs really strengthens relationships. Now, it takes two. One working alone can't do it, but if both are willing to use these principles it can make for a fantastic relationship. I also suggest you have similar values and beliefs as far as religion, that helps too.
Boundaries are necessarry for your own protection. You can tell how selfish someone else is if they don't respect your boundaries. It can tell you if they are in it for *them* or if they care about *you*.

I'd like him to read the MB stuff and have left the book lying around before but no bites yet. Will try again another time. But as WAT pointed out, we've only being going out 6 months, so its a bit early anyway.

Hey SO !!!
I ran across this book on relationships, and I think it's really good stuff. Will you read it TONIGHT, and discuss it with me tomorrow evening?

You can ask for things too, don't be afraid of him. I bet he won't bite your head off for asking. You can change the timing, I was just teasing about "tonight".


Had a good B day also. Went away with my W for two days. Walked, talked, relaxed. God is good.


I think you could really benifit from communication with USH, but be sure to come back and invite us to the wedding. (um, when you are ready, and only with the right person, not rushing you or anything.)

SS

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi Seahorse,
It is good to see you here, when your life is progressing, and by your admission to know you are a MB "personal" success story.
I rarely post anymore, my H is still physically living at home, but M life is nonexistent.
I received lots od advice and training around here, I am too stubborn or not skilled enough to apply it all. Overall though I like myself more than 2 years ago, and have more confidence with the future, and that I will cope, losing hope this M will ever recover though.

Wishing you well,
FBOW

Seahorse --

I assume you're ok, but wanted to bump this up.

I had one other funny thing to relate after all this baloney. First, the man I dated briefly had had an affair several years earlier that ended his marriage and he now regrets it. He left his W for the OW, lived with OW for two years, and then decided "I just couldn't be with someone permanently/marry that could get involved with a married man." What?!? I stopped dating him for a lot of reasons, but found observation more than slightly ironic.

Second, my WH is no longer with the OW either for a similar rationale according to him. He said he couldn't see himself with her because he was never in love with her the way he was with me. Whatever. That statement makes no sense as he still says he could never commit to working on our marriage. Confusion reigns in that man's life and I hope he gets it together one day. I just couldn't wait any longer.

Hope you're well.

Hi all, this is the 3rd time I've written this, so hopefully I won't loose it again.

FBOW - glad to hear you feel better about yourself even though your M is still bad. I hope things get better and better for you

USH - great to hear from you. Will send you an email v soon. I think in our cases its better to have moved on, albeit sad.

SS - no weddings in site although we frequently talk about running away together (although its on the boat, not on foot).

Still struggling a bit with the jealousy thing/ or is it more fear? Definitely fear is there and I have to struggle for all its worth not to LB.

I believe you must be doing better. I really hope you are.

Prayers continue.

SS