I know that I am probably going to get a lot of slack from what I'm about to say...But, I'm saying it anyway.<BR>I got the divorce papers today. H is wanting me to sell the house, to give him all of equity from it, claims that his money was how we were able to build it. H is claiming that my visitation agreement does not meet his needs ( I told him he could see her 4-5 nights a week-just no overnights). He is also contesting alimony, since our marriage didn't LAST very long (Not MY fault).<BR>Now, this may not seem like any big deal to you, but let me give you some background on this man.<BR>This is his 3rd marriage. He has 2 grown children from his 1st wife (who BTW took him to the cleaners). He has threatened in devolge(sp) in open court that I am an unfit person because I had an abortion many years ago ( I was raped-I pressed charges). he has threatened to kidnap my child. He has called me every name in the book. He has hit me. He drove 1600 miles on a business trip to meet his lover and lied to my face about it. This is not a good person.<BR>I am thinking very seriously about filing a marital tort against him for emotional distress. Since his affair started in Feb., I have not been able to work a full week, I have lost almost 40lbs, I STILL can't sleep at night.<BR>Why should I be nice about this? I am not the one that is wanting a divorce. I am not the one that cheated. Yes, I made mistakes, but not that compare to him.<BR>I know that you all think that I should play nice and show him how happy all of this makes me, but I cant. It doesnt make me happy. It maked me sick to my stomach to let that man even have our child for a few hours. She crys and screams when he comes to get her. Is that fair to her?<BR>Why can't I get what I deserve? Why should my daughter and I live in poverty because HE is deciding we are not worth it?<P>

Hugs CeeCee-<P>I think it is very important that you take care of yourself and daughter whatever way you think is best. You know what is going on in your life and you don't owe anyone an explanation for asking for your fair share. Please listen as I learned the hard way-I just wanted out so badly from my first marriage to a worthless scumbag that I cheated myself out of a whole lot-13 1/2 years and I got nada But all in all I have only myself to blame as I felt at the time I wanted as little friction as possible, blah blah blah................ It is very important that you get whatever you think is fair and square-if you dont at least try then you will one day regret it I am sure.<P>Good luck and keep us posted.<P>HUGS<P>*heartache*

Hi CeeCee -<P>First take a couple of deep breaths....<P>Second, can you get his first wive's <BR>lawyer.....I mean if she was able to <BR>take him to the cleaners...Hey, go for <BR>it....you have to be prepared to fight <BR>for all you and your D deserve. <P>Keep in mind when dealing with anything <BR>about courts that you have to do what <BR>must be done to make sure that you both <BR>are taken care of.<P>I start out by saying these harsh reality things because, this is the worst ordeal that I have yet encountered. I could handle H's affairs and all the women in my face ten times better than anything to do with court and lawyers and the materialism of the whole thing. Not to mention the blatent lies and misleading coming from my H and his lawyer.<P>It's a dogfight and you have to have one hell of a good attack lawyer.<P>It sucks that it gets to this sometimes.<P>But you know. somehow I can keep it separate from what I am trying to do in Plan A!!!!! Yeah, I know - I'm totally insane but I honestly can. I just keep looking at H as if he is a human with some very big problems and if God sees fit to let me, I want to help him with those problems.<P>Sounds ludicrous, when your H is inflicting so much pain and garbage on you.....but, you can also look at it- that reacting with spite and malice on a personal (meaning - not legal) level is exactly what H will expect and be prepared for. Plan A'ing, or even Plan B'ing incorporate a calm even temperment and THAT will throw him off guard.<P>So, either way that may help you to work through this time - you should try to put things in that kind of perspective.<P>Benefits all concerned, mainly yourself. Resolve within you that H has problems!!! Shouldn't be too hard being that he's had 3 marriages!!!<P>This can be the end if you choose...or... it can just be another twist in the road. Whatever way you can look at it so that it makes you stronger and a better person for your life and for yourself.<P>BIG HUGS and my prayers are offered that you may have strength and insight.<P>Sheba

You go girl!! It is up to you to do what is best for your and your daughter. Stand up tall, assert yourself, and get what you deserve.

Hey, Friend - Sheba's got good advice. You can plan A and plan b until your silly and just let that great attorney fight the battles. Prepare for the WORST experience you can imagine. Plan to be put down, put upon and the target of every dirty trick in the book. Let your attorney fight back with whatever it takes. You don't need to fight, that's why you hired HER!!! But, when all is said and done, you do what you have to do to protect yourself and Emma. And all that Plan Aing (or Plan Bing) will only make you strong, PLUS have the added bonus of making you look good in court!!!! <P>Good luck.<P>Lori

ceecee, I went lawyer hunting 2 weeks ago, my criteria was 1) female 2) Christian (wanted some prayer) 3) a tough reputation. 3 different people--one a Christian lawyer himself--recommended one particular lawyer. I talked to her on the phone, she said some very interesting things and if I do need a divorce lawyer, she is the one. Do what needs to be done to protect you and your child.

Cheryl, You do what it takes to defend yourself. He can't get all that he is asking for. If your state is a no fault state everything is split 50/50. If not than you have him for adultry. Get a good female attorney. I think that they will fight harder for you. That may sound sexist but when I was lawyer shopping I found that women attorneys were much more understanding and ready to fight for me. <BR> I know this is going to be a really rough time for you. You really need to keep your head now. Don't think for a minute that him saying you had a legal abortion will make any difference to the court because I highly doubt it will. It is the care and love that you have given Emma that counts. He has many more strikes against him than you and he knows it. I could go on and on so I better quite while I'm ahead. Just know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. <P>Love,<P>Jill

I had a different experience with the one female lawyer I talked to - she thought the less my H saw of the kids the better, since then he was less likely to "interfere" with raising them. I think the viewpoint that fathers are extraneous is far too pervasive. But this same lawyer thought it was perfectly reasonable for him to have the kids spend the night at the OW's. My H is not the one whose "interference" I mind.

damn shame, ceecee . . . how long to you listen to the horrid advice in this forum until this situation evolved with your divorce ?<P>exactly why i am betraying the male gender, and supporting my lady friend so that this won't happen to her . . . <P>

I'm praying for you, Carlton. <P>Ceecee, he's so icky.

Carlton -<P>You are way out of line.......<P>KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!<P>I have tried to converse with you on a mature and sincere level. I do not want to lower myself to play tit for tat word games with you.<P>This woman is in pain and I will not let you mock ANYTHING about that or about the people who actually care!!!<P>Keep your self indulgent BULLSH@T confined to your own threads.<P>Thank You!!!<P>Sheba

LADIES and LADIES only, Thank you!<BR>Here is my problem (at least tonight). He just let from dropping Emma off. He stayed only a few minutes. I relaxed and prayed -very hard- for God to show me the way. I prayed earlier in the week for Him to give me a sign, and well, I got divorce papers. Now, I don't know if that is a sign from God or not, but, I figured it was time for me to prepare. <BR>I don't want to be mean. I don't want to hurt him. I LOVE him. I run hot to cold about my feelings for him, but after I settle down, I realize that I DO love him.<BR>I hugged him when he left (he didn't hug me back), I told him that I loved him. He said that he needed to go. I BREAKS my heart. It truly does.<BR>I know that if I want him to come home, I need to give him space ( which is extemely difficult for me) and I need to try to fill his love bank up again. This is incredibly hard for me, since, #1 he doesn't stay around long enough for me to do anything for him and also, because I still am not sure what is missing.<BR>I do appreciate all of your thoughts, and you all make VERY good points. <BR>I need to make sure I know what I'm doing here. I think I want him back, but, oh, I don't know.<BR>I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!! Do you think he is too, or is this just wishful thinking? He seems so adement on a divorce.<P><BR>Cheryl

CeeCee--<P>Sending you warm, positive thoughts. You'll get through this; the worst of it WILL be over soon. Hang in there!!<P>I really doubt his attorney would bring up a past abortion. There is no correlation to this history and your ability to mother Emma. It would probably even be a strike AGAINST your husband in the mind of a judge.<P>Another thought, for Emma's sake. Do you feel that he is basically a good father? I hope that she calms down once in his company. If you feel she is not safe and well cared for by him, fight him with everything you've got and keep her away from him by any legal means at your disposal. Have you considered a restraining order? Perhaps supervised visitation would be a solution. <P>Sounds to me like your husband never learned to break the cycle of his own problems, thus divorce no. 3. Everything will be okay. Keep Emma's best interests at heart, protect yourself and her, and work hard to get what you DESERVE--happiness.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

ceecee<BR>I think you need to think about yourself for a while.<BR>Did you read Butterfly's thread? It is very uplifting.<BR>If you know that you love him then you know what you want. <BR>But don't forget yourself. You are going to be okay one way or another. You just need to think about what you really have control over. Dedicate some time to you. You are imprtant too!!!!

another cheryl? And we both spell it correctly! <BR>Here is a little thing to think about in addition to all the great advice you have gotten on this thread.<BR>"I don't want to be mean. I don't want to hurt him. I LOVE him. I run hot to cold about my feelings for him, but after I settle down, I realize that I DO love him."<BR>It is great that you love him, but it has nothing to do with the law my dear. You do not have to be mean or *****y-just state your position and protect it. The bottom line is you have to protect your child and yourself. You can still love someone and not let them march all over the top of you!! <BR>Be strong cheryl

CeeCee -<P>Calm down a little!!!!<P>Nothing has to be decided about what the future will hold.......<P>The only difference between today and yesterday are a bunch of papers.<P>What you need to do - right now at this moment - is to concentrate on getting a good lawyer that will be able to fight for you and Emma!!! Whether a divorce happens or not - is not the decision now!! <P>He served papers - you have to respond within a certain amount of time....get a lawyer first thing Monday.....<P>It's not a question or an advice that you can ponder on....you HAVE to get a lawyer!!!!!! Get the best darn lawyer you can find.<P>Doing so has nothing to do with how you feel about H.........It is not a choice!! It is not being mean!! HE FILED - you did not!!!! You owe it to your daughter, yourself and even - in some respects - to your H to prepare to address what HE HAS DONE in involving the legal system. He took the ball and ran with it......you did not decide this.<P>This legal stuff does not - in and of itself - mean that a divorce has to happen!!! Anything can change in the meantime.<P>That is what we mean when we say that you CAN be able to do Plan A or B - this is not your battle!!! This is all on H!<P>I don't know how much of my story you have followed, if any........I am a few months ahead of you as far as being served by H. Having to see those papers and having to get a lawyer was the worst part of this nightmare for me!!!<P>I worked long and hard to prevent that and made sure that H knew that it would be entirely on him if he did it. When he did, I told him that now anything that happened was out of my hands (meaning with lawyers, money, etc.).<P>I have no guilt about what I have had to do to protect myself. He put me in this position!!!<P>I just continue to try to reach out to my husband.........that's all I can do.<BR>Besides working on me!!<P>Yes, you will have to put things in perspective and deal with the fact that a divorce might happen.....I have been able to do that and can help you along with so many others here.<P>But that is not for now....Lawyer first!! Then we do the emotional preparing and planning, OK?<P>Hugs and we are here for you. <P>Sheba

Wow, you guys are coming through for Ceecee.<P>Have you ever seen anyone hold hands in court? My x and I held hands, as we were in court getting divorced. I loved him, and he loved me and her.... But I got the best darn attorney I could - and he fought hard for me, I didn't have to do any of the fighting, and my attorney knew I wanted a reconciliation. But his job was to protect me and the kids, and he did one heck of a good job.<P>I could feel good about myself and I think this is the best route for you to take.<P>You can do this, you can hire the best attorney to take care of you. You need to do this for you and Emma. And, really, the bottom line is - your husband needs you to do this too.<P>Now, you can love him all you want, but the best love you can show is taking good care of you and Emma.<P>Prayers for you tonight.<BR>God bless.

CeeCee,<P>I think you must go for broke just like you said you thought you should. You can always leave the lines of communication open for your husband if he wants to decide to do the right thing and come around.<P>Your husband will get what hed deserves. If you go to God with all your decissions and you feel that what you are doing is right then, it is the right thing. If you can look yourself in the mirror then go for it.<P>You must protect yourself and your child. You are not shutting your husband out. He is doing that to himself.<P>Good luck and special prayers will be going out to you and yours.<P>Carlton,<P>Go spend your energy else where. The advise and support here is very good and sincere. You are out in left field. I am beginning to wonder if you really even have the woman you are always referring to? Or are you just here to stir up problems and bad feelings. If you have nothing constructive to share here then please by all means go away.<P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Ceecee<P>separate your feelings for your hubby from the way you will deal with the divorce papers. Whether you love him or hate him does not change what you must do.<P>Get a lawyer who will look after you and your emma with the divorce papers. Wait till hubby sees what you want! Yes it will be a luvbuster and what a luvbuster! Responding to his divorce papers is not about love or hate it's about you and emma.<BR>It'll comfirm his worst fears and then his lawyer will calm him down.<P>You must prepare yourself that although you don't want a divorce it can happen. After your lawyer responds then see how you feel about your husband. When my lawyer responded I felt like crap, but it was necessary and yes I still do love my wife.<P>By the way I borrowed a book from my wife on divorce and the writer scared me to death, so I decided she was the one for me. Turns out my wife's lawyer was really pissed because she helped my lawyer write that book.

Hi,<BR>I'm back. First, I do have an attorney. I filed for Legal Seperation after he moved out in July because I feared he would move to GA (where OW lives) and that he would leave us high and dry.<BR>He responded to my Seperation by countering into divorce.<BR>I have sought out a new attorney. However, she is not able to take my case for several weeks. She comes highly recommended-by referral only.<BR>So, I need to keep my current atty in case there is a temporary hearing between now and then.<BR>I feel like I have done the right thing by changing atty because my current on is not really a family/divorce one. <BR>You amaze me with your hope that things can really be resolved at the 11th hour. My h is sure that he doesn't love me, that he is doing the right thing by dissolving our marriage. I don't know how you can hold on to hope of reconciliation<BR>I know that I need to take care of Emma and me. I think that this past week, I have really made progress there. It is a long journey and I know that this whole thing will make me stronger, but I am weary.<BR>I change my mind 1000 times a day. It is most frustrating. <BR>I cant tell you how much you mean to me. This board has truly been my sanity.<BR>I continue to pray that God guide my steps. I know He will not lead me astray.<BR>Thanks again.<P>Cheryl