I would like to get opinions and experiences regarding meeting the OW for the 1st time.

FWH has had no contact w/OW for over 2mnths and is totally over her. He actually feels really stupid about the whole A. A mutual friend is having a Bday Party and we are excited to go, even though the OW is invited too.

I,the BS, have never met OW. I actually relish the idea of actually getting a look at her. But I do have all these crazy ideas running through my head and would like some advice.

So please share experiences and ideas.
THANKS

cruising, he shouldn't be going at all. He should never ever see her again. No contact with the OP is essential for his recovery and for the recovery of your marriage.

Here is what Harley says about it:

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.


entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

cruisingalong
I agree completely with MelodyLane. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I would avoid all contact. It will for sure "throw back" recovery.

Have trust in what Steve Harley says because he knows what he is talking about.

take care
bb

Thanks ya'll for the advice. I know he should have nc w/OW. But I almost feel that I have to see her to be able to move on. Right now she is this phantom who is haunting me, I would like to humanize her.

I find that I keep comparing myself to her(a phantom). My FWH says that she is not that attractive and is 8yrs older than me and that there is really no comparision. His fog is completly gone and he has joined the Mankind Project to better himself and our relationship.

My FWH really wants nothing to do with her. He feels nothing but anger(at himself) and stupidity for not coming to me with his issues prior to A.

I have to agree with Mel and bb..

No contact, whatsoever. Period.

Besides, what's the point? If you see OW, there could be a scene... started by either you or her. It would not be pretty, and would definitely set you back. Not to mention your H.

My WH works in the same building with OW. He says he WILL NOT quit his job (which is moot right now, seeing as we are in Plan B).

The Harleys are right. DO NOT GO! It's a setback for all involved. OW may start pursuit of your husband. Or the other way around. WHO KNOWS?

Why tempt fate? K

yup,

NC is NC ever, ever, ever. I would never plan to go to an occassion where OW was going to be. If you do you are setting yourself up for a fall. Why take the risk? If you have to see her have a friend take a picture of her "accidentally" or go yourself and just tell him that you feel uncomfortable with him going. Explain to him that you afraid it will bring up old feelings and it will make you feel insecure. I wouldn't do it.

JMHO

HINY

Well, your H won't be over her if you push him into seeing her again. That's like saying that an alcoholic can have another drink because he is "over it" and hasn't drank for 2 months. That ain't how it works.

If you take the recovery of your marriage seriously, then you should quit playing games with your marriage just to satisfy your curiosity. You don't need to see the OW and he, especially, should NEVER see her again. This is not a game, this is your marriage.

I pray I do not meet OM ever. I will cause him damage and it might be a lovebuster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Re your WS meeting OP, absolutely not under any circumstances. What possible good can it do ?

I sorta half disagree.

The part I agree? ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, your H should NOT go. PERIOD!!!!

However, I can understand (to a point, with everything I have read, not experienced) about seeing the "phantom" (good word!) OW. For the experienced MB'ers out there, besides the fact that a scene "could" occur, what are the thoughts with just CA going? (I guess it would depend on a few factors: are you, CA, prepared for this "meeting"?; how "obligated" are you from attending?; etc.)

Well, I'm a bad girl and went against everyone's advice. My H & I went to the party. I know ya'll probably think I'm crazy and I would not recommend this to everyone. BS and FWH have to be in the right mind set.

Brief overview: We received the party invite via email, so you know you can see everyone that the email was sent to. We saw OW name on list, we talked it over and hashed it out and concluded that seeing other women was what was best for US not everyone but US.

So my FWH and I figure that she would look at the list too and maybe not even come to party. Oh, but I wanted her to come, I had to face my phantom.

I have to say that I did imbibe in some alcohol on the way there, just to loosing me up a bit. Well, there she was.... in all her glory and to say the least shocked. I did not witness this because I didn't know what she looked like and I was coversing with our host. My FWH said her eyes nearly bugged out and her jaw fell to the floor, I wish I had seen it. That was the only time during the 5hour party that they made eye contact and she would not even get near me or make eye contact accross the room.

What I thought would be such a big deal, wasn't. She really wasn't so special and I showed that I was the stronger and more confident women. I now truly see her for what she is, not the women who was everything I was not, not the women who tried to steal my H, but as women who is painfully insecure and selfish, someone that requires men's admiration and affection to make her feel good about herself.

I now feel sorry for her and for any man she tries to have a relationship with.

Now my FWH and I can put her behind us and move forward. Work on trying to be the couple we once were before life got in the way. Taking care of US so we have a strong family unit.

I know this goes against everything MB but I believe it was the best thing for cruisingalong & LuckyInFL.

Again thanks for all your replies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Glad no immediate explosions occurred. But IMHO it was immature and risky.

CA...was wondering how it went!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I thought would be such a big deal, wasn't. She really wasn't so special and I showed that I was the stronger and more confident women. I now truly see her for what she is, not the women who was everything I was not, not the women who tried to steal my H, but as women who is painfully insecure and selfish, someone that requires men's admiration and affection to make her feel good about herself.

I now feel sorry for her and for any man she tries to have a relationship with.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you, ca. **BUT** does your H feel the same?

hns...These are all personal decisions, IMHO.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Glad no immediate explosions occurred. But IMHO it was immature and risky.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was not something that was spur of the moment...they discussed it and felt it was best for THEM. I also, disagree--way too risky with your H there. However, "immature?" No. They spoke about it and POJA, ya know?

I think now, you still need to discuss the events with your H. Communication. Talk about how you both felt. Nevermind how it effected the OW--but how you guys felt.

Just my two sense.

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

Liny and HS53, thank you for your responses. CA and I had many discussions about this opportunity to see OW and without telling you our whole story, we agreed that it would be something positive to attempt. We weren't sure what the outcome would be but we discussed many scenarios that could occur and agreed there were none that we couldn't handle. Yes it was risky but we were focused with intent.

OW broke off our A of 4 months in mid April and I went through silent withdrawal for month and a half until I told CA about A. NC letter went out to OW 2 days later. Having come out of withdrawal by the time NC letter went out, we have been totally focused on each other since then. I have also changed jobs and now work from home instead of commuting to big city where OW works.

OW was completely taken back by our presence last night and I never made eye contact with her again for the rest of the night. CA and I have learned much about OW's traits and personality that enabled me to understand my attraction to her and subsequent A. OW and I have had no contact in over 2 months and I was glad to see I had no feelings for her when I made eye contact with her at the party.

CA has been my mentor and friend through all of this. Though she is deeply hurt by my transgressions, she has been the leader and guider in this recovery and has shown strength that has helped me to see her and value her in a way that I never had before. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary and I feel better about our future than I ever have before. It's going to be a long road but with MB's help we at least have a plan now.