Hello. I ended my affair (which lasted 1 year) over 2 years ago because I still loved my husband and was in a lot of pain over my own infidelity and what I had done to him. I wanted to work on my marriage with my husband (at the time we were married only 1.5 years but together for nearly 8) so I broke all contact with my affair partner. My affair partner was also married and lived in a different city, but was close enough for us to visit one another often, usually at least 5x a month. We spoke constantly, and emailed one another constantly so the ending of this affair was difficult for me, but I was successful in ending it. He has emailed me from time to time and I have ignored his emails. The emails were manipulations to get me to speak to him again (by making me feel sorry for him). I never fell for it.

I thought I was over him until I went to his city with my friends this weekend. I didn't see him, but memories came flooding back. I secretly hoped to see him as I drove through the streets. I thought I was over him because my husband and I have worked so hard to get over this and to meet one another's needs but because I have had recurring dreams of seeing him again--of hugging him again, or being with him again--I am worried. I am afraid of the power of these memories, of these dreams, and what they mean. Any ideas or insight?

I don't understand what you are worried about. What is the problem?

NYLAV,
I had a dream I robbed a bank once, and when I woke up I was disappointed the money was gone...

Do like me...

Just don't rob the bank in real life...okay? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Though our dreams can be distressing/entertaining at times, it doesnt necessary mean that they are real cause for concern. I had a dream OW was on her deathbed and she was blaming me for ending our R years ago. The sub-conscious can work a whammy on us.

Here's to recovery and staying conscious and fully awake when it comes to our real life actions.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

nylalv - assuming your post is sincere, I admire you for posing your questions.

If your affair ended two years ago and you are still effectively in withdrawal, my first conclusion is that you have not effectively worked on your marriage.

1. Are you giving your marriage all your energy?

2. Is your husband meeting all of your emotional needs in a compassionate way?

To answer the first question, just state whether you're willing to give a copy of this entire post to your husband.

To answer the second question, just tell us the response of your husband when he reads this post.

You didn't think this was easy, did you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Going back to his city was the cause. That is why the MB program is that there can be no contact ever again. And even going to his city is not wise.

You spent a lot of time with the OM and even though the A is over and you have decided to rebuild your M doesn't mean that ALL the memories of the OM are bad. If you hated the OM it would not have been difficult to end the A. So, what do you do with those memories? You don't dwell on them...you establish new and firm boundries that keep you from making the same mistakes and you realize your weakness. Just like a recovering alcoholic doesn't go into the bars...even several years later. He realizes his weakness. You need to do the same.

Now, just as there will be "triggers" for the BS throughout the years, there will also be "triggers" for you. Guess what? You just hit a trigger. Do you remember the triggers at the beginning? A special song... a hotel... a restaurant. You had ton's more. Now, there aren't very many because time has faded your memory and your H is meeting your needs. BUT, the CITY was a trigger. That's easy. Stay away from the city. Are you weak? Sure...we all are and have the potential to fall...BUT... we choose to set boundries and NEVER go there again!

How do you change the thoughts? Focus on your H and think about all the wonderful things you two do and how wonderful he is... Do that right before bed each night. The dreams will stop.

Ask your H to help you focus on HIM right before you go to sleep... I'm sure he can come up with something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good Luck,

2scared