Trying to make sense of it all...

I have been mad at God for awhile. Probably since I got the email from my WH in May that he wanted a Divorce. Something in me cracked...something in me just fractured, and at that moment, I felt a bitterness, a rage, a disbelief, a betrayal from God that He could have forsaken me, forsaken my prayers, and allowed me and my family to suffer.

Prior to that, I new I could forgive this. I knew I could. I knew I could love, move on, develop, grow, have the best thing a couple coule have. I know I could have used this as a case study to prove how solid, how true, how TESTED our love was.

I read someone on this site that the most dangerous thing to the marriage AFTER the A, is the BS.

The pain, the betrayal, the disbelief...all hits us and we feel as if we have to redefine our world, because it does not make sense anymore.

This was true in my case. I was the most toxic thing in our recovery. I am the one who told WH he had to leave (he had said several times he wanted to go, but had not found an apt, made arrangements, done much else than "say" he wanted to go, until I told him, TIME TO GET OUT). I was the one who started the D proceedings (WH asked for the D, but I could have said no and left it at that...he had not found an atty, started anything at the point I told him that I wanted out...and even then, it was me that got the paperwork together, prepared the documents, put the pressure on him to get this thing done, not him).

I got tired. I though I could not do it anymore. I thought I would be better off instigating the next step in this drama (D) than sitting here in limbo forever. I do not "do" limbo well.

Fact is, I was impatient. Fact is, it was not that God did not deliver on His promises, it was that I did not wait around long enough to see them happen...or I got involved, and messed up His plan...or made it harder on Him by "helping" it along.

Fact is, satan duped me...and I was stupid and arrogant and proud enough to think my reactions were justified and provoked. Probably just the tactic he used on my hurting H. The same things that helped my H to justify an A.

I came forward in church on Sunday and recommitted my life to Christ. I knelt at the alter and prayed for forgiveness for my sins, the things I have done in all of this. I cried like a baby...just cried and cried and cried all my makeup off (a scary sight for sure)... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Fact is, I am as responsible for the state of my M as my WH is. Fact is, I was mean and disrespectful and have taken for granted that WH would be there forever, and put up with my **** for years, and all the while, I was making withdrawal after withdrawal in HIS LB$. Fact is, I did not have a personal relationship with God, and I was not a Godly wife to my husband. Fact is, after the A I was shook up enough to see the error of my ways, but, my refound dependence on Christ was short lived. Fact is, I thought I could do a better job on my own. Fact is, I accelerated the decline of our M to D, I made recovery more difficult, I made reconciliation damn near impossible.

I tried to convince myself that everything I have been doing the past 12+ months has been the best that anyone could expect to do. I was lying to myself...I did a pretty crap job of saving my children from all the pain of watching their family disintergrate right in front of their eyes.

That realization is about as close to hell as someone can be. This is what everyone talks about when they tell BSes to keep going until AFTER they think they cannot go anymore, because you do not want to sit here and see what YOU did to help put the final nails in the casket of your otherwise very sick marriage.

I am praying for God's wisdom in my life now. I have no idea what to do now...no idea of what my next step is (which is clearly an indicator to me that I am not to "do" anything but just stay out of the way already and finally let God control my life...

Hurting at the realization of all of this.

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: SerendipiT ]</small>

DipiT

E-mail me and RAP and I will talk to you.

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: ncwalker ]</small>

S, you sound just like me. now i wonder if i'm doing all the same things you are or did?i guess i cant see past all the anger right now to do much of anything. im trying to take control of the situation by telling him to leave me alone, that im going to divorce him and find someone much better.you are making me rethink my position.

Wow... a broken heart and contrite spirit. It's when we surrender and realize how empty we are that God can fill us back up with HIM.

You are on my daily prayer list. May God give you the strength to lie helpless in HIS arms.

2scared

Wow, I think you are living my life. I am experiencing the same feelings as you, the exact same. I can't get my pride out of the way so that I can forgive my husband and have a close relationship with God again.

I have started the Bible study "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore and I truly believe God put this book in my life just when I would need it most.

I don't really know what else to tell you except to let you know that you are not alone!

Wow. Same thing happened to me. I posted here and ranted and raved at the Lord. I cried for hours on Saturday, til my eyes were swollen shut.

It is crazy how we let the evil one trick us.

I got it...you can edit now...

oh, serendipiT, I relate 100%. It's something almost too painful to face. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

We've got to get together, girl.

my e-mail is roseandgrace@yahoo.com

Do you remember your journal thread, the post where you shared your happy place? The place you envisioned yourself in the arms of God?

Well your there, in the arms of God. You have surrendered this heavy burden to Him, and he will take care of it, and you.

Someone once told me that when it was darkest, when the pain was more than I could bear, when I thought that I could not go on, to give my thanks to God for that pain and ask Him to lift me up - and He did.

I wanted to die after my mom's death because I had been so mad at her the last few months of her life because she would not leave my alcoholic dad, an act I thought would save his life. Well she died tragically right before him and I blamed myself for pushing her to do something she flat could not do. Her death and the realization of how I treated her was my glimpse of hell and for awhile I thought I belonged there. I had to learn how to forgive myself or all the love my mom gave to me would have been wasted, I would not have any to give to my daughter. And this is what you must do, so that your love will shine on your kids, and on all others who need you. Like us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And like your WH will someday.

SerendipT you are a beautiful, wonderful woman and if this is what it is going to take for you to come to terms with that, than it is for the good. We are all on this earth to learn to love one another and that is all we can do, keep learning and keep forgiving ourselves and each other.

SerendipiT

If you care for perspective from a male BS; here you go!

I have been mad at God for awhile. Probably since I got the email from my WH in May that he wanted a Divorce. Something in me cracked...something in me just fractured, and at that moment, I felt a bitterness, a rage, a disbelief, a betrayal from God that He could have forsaken me, forsaken my prayers, and allowed me and my family to suffer.

God did not betray you; your husband did!

The pain, the betrayal, the disbelief...all hits us and we feel as if we have to redefine our world, because it does not make sense anymore.

Affairs NEVER make sense and are NEVER the correct way to handle any problem regardless of who's at fault and who's not. Affairs are the most selfish and damaging act a spouse can do to their family. Yes; you are responsible for your part in damaging the marriage, but you had nothing to do with making the choice to have an affair. They are 2 totally separate issues!

This was true in my case. I was the most toxic thing in our recovery. I am the one who told WH he had to leave (he had said several times he wanted to go, but had not found an apt, made arrangements, done much else than "say" he wanted to go, until I told him, TIME TO GET OUT). I was the one who started the D proceedings (WH asked for the D, but I could have said no and left it at that...he had not found an atty, started anything at the point I told him that I wanted out...and even then, it was me that got the paperwork together, prepared the documents, put the pressure on him to get this thing done, not him).

Frustration can be a strong emotion! It should also be considered as it is natural to be frustrated. You've had your soul ripped out by the person you trusted most on the face of the earth! You are allowed to be frustrated!

I got tired. I though I could not do it anymore. I thought I would be better off instigating the next step in this drama (D) than sitting here in limbo forever. I do not "do" limbo well.

No honorable person does limbo well! It's a cowards position. Afraid to move forward by making the past & present right! Afraid or prideful - both are bad.

Fact is, I was impatient. Fact is, it was not that God did not deliver on His promises, it was that I did not wait around long enough to see them happen...or I got involved, and messed up His plan...or made it harder on Him by "helping" it along.

Not sure how you came to this conclusion! How much is long enough? Perhaps God feels that WH did not act with enough conviction for his mistake in a timely enough fashion! Perhaps God was trying to teach WH a lesson in pride, retribution, ot simply teaching him how to properly look in the mirror!

Fact is, satan duped me...and I was stupid and arrogant and proud enough to think my reactions were justified and provoked. Probably just the tactic he used on my hurting H. The same things that helped my H to justify an A.

Oh Satan was definitely at work here! I'm not saying that your actions were justified. Might be able to make a case for provoked. But absolutely understandable. Were your actions correct? Probably not. But certainly understandable.

I came forward in church on Sunday and recommitted my life to Christ. I knelt at the alter and prayed for forgiveness for my sins, the things I have done in all of this. I cried like a baby...just cried and cried and cried all my makeup off (a scary sight for sure)

I am not sure; but it may be that the Lord asked you to "wear your sins of the marriage" on your own; which it sounds like you did. Good for you. All of us should die to self occasionally. But he would never ask you to wear the sins of your WH. That is WH responsibility!

I tried to convince myself that everything I have been doing the past 12+ months has been the best that anyone could expect to do. I was lying to myself...I did a pretty crap job of saving my children from all the pain of watching their family disintergrate right in front of their eyes.

Only you know if you gave your all. Just because you were continually frustrated over realization after realization of the A does not mean God is mad at you! God gave us emotions to use, good or bad! If not for the bad; we would not appreciate the good.

I am praying for God's wisdom in my life now. I have no idea what to do now...no idea of what my next step is (which is clearly an indicator to me that I am not to "do" anything but just stay out of the way already and finally let God control my life...

God appreciates doers of good. So do some good; but don't do "nothing".

FYI: I've been through every single action and emotion you talk of here. Your emotions have caused you to say, do and think things you never thought possible. You're allowed! God allowed that because he equipped you with emotions that are able to reach those depths and he did not make you perfect. Now you know how deep your emotions can take you and you are remorseful of the subsequent actions. Now forgive yourself. Ask WH and your kids to forgive you FOR THOSE ACTIONS ONLY! Offer no excuses, no qualifications, just own the responsibility and then let it go. One thing to remember; if WH did not have A; your emotions would not have gone to the place they did.

None of what you did should have any bearing on what is required by God for WH to do in order to help repair your M. WH has no right, nor should he even desire a right to be upset with your actions. WH should get on his knees & thank God every day that you are willing to still try with your marriage after his clear choice to have an A.

Another FYI: These are not my answers! I wish that I were so wise. They are the answers given to me by our preacher; the most Godly man I know. If you desire scriptures to back up my answers, please ask. I have them and will gladly send them your way. Until then; please stand up and thank God for allowing you to have emotions that run so deep. For if they run that deep when WH has hurt you so badly; your emotions are certainly capable of running that deep in loving WH again! He should be counting his lucky stars and thanking God for your ability and also another chance at love with you. Please ask him to read this!

FR

seren & fish,

Thank you both for a very profound and enlightening post. I needed them both in my despair.

[B] Until then; please stand up and thank God for allowing you to have emotions that run so deep. For if they run that deep when WH has hurt you so badly; your emotions are certainly capable of running that deep in loving WH again!


Fish -

This is perhaps the lesson we are all asked to learn when we are faced with the unbearable pain of betrayal. Very well said Fish.

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 06:02 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

SerendipiT, I am always unsure of myself when responding to posts regarding one's faith. I only know what is in my heart. I have faith that God is carrying me as much as He can. Sometimes i do not have enough faith and that is when I interfere with His plan. Sometimes I do things to help me get through the pain that I know God does not want me to do. But I think God knows we question--He wants us to question. He knows it's hard for us to let go, that sometimes we feel that we know best. He understands this and let's us test our wings, for better or worse. I think you're doing exactly the right things now as far as prayer for wisdom and giving this over to God.

And on a sidenote...

fhl, S, coffee anyone?

Thank you everyone...

I cannot believe that everyone took the time to pour out their hearts and their prayers and their thoughts... all I can say is how humbled I feel. Thank you so so so so so very much.

Maddy & FHL: I need to arrange for a sitter, but I am game. Nothing says "comfort" like a cafe mocha from Starbucks. In fact, I am thinking of heading to Starbucks this morning... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Dipti, it sounds like you are feeling a bit better now? i hope so. i just wanted to send you a hi. i just said a prayer for you too. Karen

Sounds weird, but I have found great solace in this. I have prayed for years that God give my wife and me a Godly relationship, to make me a good husband, caring, intimate, yadda yadda yadda. When my marriage fell apart, I did the same thing, I was mad at God.

God reached out to me over and over again throughout my marriage. I refused to listen, or when I did listen, I chose to follow my own path. As if I know what is best for me...

If this is what it took to get me attention, He surely has it now. That is the power and love of God, he does not give up on his children. In fact, it is my fault for letting it go to this extreme. It is my fault that I don't listen to God's whispers, that it takes a swift sweep of my legs out from under me to grap my attention. It is not God's fault that I am here, He tried to fix it before, but my own free will to turn my back on Him led my family down this destructive path. God cries tears for my family. He certainly doesn't want this any more than I do.

I realized one evening soon thereafter, that I am not worthy of God's pursuit. I continually turn my back on Him. I felt such shame at that moment, because I felt God's love. I realized that I needed to actually turn my marriage over to him. I cannot fix it. Any time I follow my insticts or feelings, I push her further away. Any time I let God take the reins, things get better. Truelly, things get better and I know that my marriage is in good hands with Him.

But the catch is. She still has her free will. I trust that God will not give up on His pursuit of her. He will remind her of the good times, remind her of our love, give her feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, but ultimately the decision is hers. If God can't bring her back, then there certainly is no hope! Anyway, if God does bring her back, I have a huge responsibility, one that I'm not really confident that I can take on. One that I have failed at over and over. Thus the Christian suffering.

Being a Christian isn't church rock and happy songs. I have learned that is can be extremely painful and that suffering is par for the course. That is how God gets us. Is it any wonder that when we suffer, we turn to God and feel closer to him than ever? Who needs God when money is rolling in, work is good, wife is happy, kids are excelling?

It is shameful that I too easily forget Him when things are good and that it takes HUGE suffering to get me. I need to learn to listen to His little whispers reminding me of my discontent.

Anyway, an average joe's philosophy and theology. It helps me accept and to cope...

DipiT, I will be as anti ADD as I possible can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm so sorry you are in such great pain. It seems you feel better today, but I'm sure more bad days will follow.

You recommitted your life. That is so beautiful, God has been waiting for you, I'm sure.

You are wise and wonderful woman, you will make it through this.

Jelly

I know how you feel!
I've been going throught this struggle and the more reading I've done the more confused I've become. I was beginning to see everything as either GOD's hand or the devils trickery. I think I'm finally leveling out and trying to find some equalibrium. Can you say Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

PS)I pray for all of you every night and I believe he's listening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

DipiT, I was wondering how you are recently. I haven't read any of your posts for a while. Anyway, just wanted to say a few things to you.

I think it is a good thing to acknowledge our part in the pre-A M. However, the A had nothing to do with you. If your H was so unhappy then he could have insisted on MC. My therapist said something to me when I was beating myself up for not knowing about the A sooner. Especially because I wasn't stupid and confronted H every time I felt uncomfortable about interactions between he and OW. She said, "CV, sometimes a person can do everthing right and their S will still have the A." In your case I would say, "DipiT, sometimes a BS can do everything in her power to save the M, but her H still has the power to choose to continue the A."

I've seen over the months how hard you have worked to save your M. OK, so maybe you didn't do things perfectly in the beginning. Did you know about MB then? Even if you did, you did the best you could. I saw you sob because of the cruelity your H showed you. I saw you take loving care of your children in spite of your pain. I saw your courage when your finally outed your H to his employers. You fine lady did the the best you could do in a horrible situation.

I know you wanted the answer to your prayers to be reuniting with your H. Who knows? That could still happen. It is also possible that God has a different plan for you. I told the story to M23Bs about my cousin. In her 40s her H left her and her 4 kids for the OW. The A** ended up marrying the OW. Within 5 yrs. my cousin met the most wonderful man. He was a widower. They married and she has a great life with him. I remember during her H's A she prayed like crazy, and did everything to recover her A. Maybe God just had different plans for her.

Honey, I wish I lived in Fla. and could join you for coffee. Maybe go out this evening and have a little vino. But given we live in different states that is a problem. If I was with you today I would just tell you to stop beating yourself up. You have turned your life over to God. Trust that the best will happen. CV

Sometime I feel as if I am schizephrenic, you know what I mean?

Sometimes so sure...so ready to take on the world. So ready to give a high kick and a karate chop to anyone who stands in my way. Almost daring someone or something to tell me I can't, so I can prove them wrong.

Then, other times, I feel like I am such a lost person. I feel so hurt, so lost, and so incapacitated, that I wonder if I will remember to do basic human things, like breath or walk or function, with my heart so bare and vulnerable, that I feel as if all of my spirit is just oozing out, slowing dying (dramatic, I know, but it is the writer in me, so cut me some slack... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

I do feel better today. Just needed to mourn all my mistakes. Needed to acknowledge aloud (hope my MB friends did not mind me using this board to do so) all I had done. Needed to own my part in this. Needed to look at what I have done or not done and accept my part in this mess my H and I now find ourselves in. Not sure what God's plan is next...will sit back and watch the show, my only plan to pull closer to God.

Now that I am getting it together, I thought I would respond to all the great responses I have received...

Shelly 3: Please do not do what I have done. I have read your posts...you are angry, your WH is losing it...you just need to hold tight, be the better person, and you will have your marriage back...you are so close to the finish line...don't blow it with bitterness and anger...he is feeling his guilt and is struggling with the thought of losing you. Let God work in him. Do not cloud it with your anger (which just gives him a reason to say, "see, I told you my marriage was a mess, told you I could not be happy with my wife."

2scared and Thatsall: I am the kind of child that God probably has to shake his head at and say "Some people have to learn the hard way." He does have to break me before I will listen. Reminds me of an old DC Talk song...the chorus went like this... "Some people have to learn the hard way, I guess I'm the type of guy [gal] that has to find out for myself. I have to learn the hard way Jesus, I'm on my own and I'm crying, for Your help." Well, I am here, having done it my way, and find myself with a bigger mess than what I started with...God is such a patient Father.

Trying to forgive: When I think of all I have done wrong to shame myself before God, and how graciously He opens His arms, puts on a smile, and just holds me, yearning to forgive me and love me and welcome His prodigal child home... I realize that is a level of forgivness that I want to emulate.

Believer: Don't lose your faith. You are probably one of the sweetest, kindest, most generous spirits on this board. I wish you lived here in FL...I would invite you over for coffee, or we would rent Harley's, and I would try to learn how to be a free, loving spirit like you.

FHL: You and I really need to talk. We are in the same place, for more than one reason...exactly. Coffee?

Weaver: You are a great gal. And I still laugh when I think of you running over his stuff. I like you...a lot!!! Thanks for your words of encouragement... happy place...happy place...happy place.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Fish: Thank you for taking the time to provide such a heart felt, well thought out response. I would love to see all those biblical references.

FinallyLearning: Sister...you have seen hell, and definitely on your way back up to the heavenly heights. I wish I had made as much progress as you have. Keep plugging away.

KY: Thank you. Smooches. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Family: I have lurked on some of your threads, and I often relate a lot to what you are feeling...my prayers are with you too.

Friends...thank you for being such an important part of my healing.