Last night ww says we need to talk...(perfect timing..i had just taken an AD and its kicked in).

- She asks me "do i think OM was at our house?"
i say yes because of certain circumstances. I know that she was with him.

- She asks "do you think i slept with him"
i say no...(even though i believe they have but am not 100% sure). She denies it. I think that if she think that i believe that they slept together that there is no chance for us.

i told her that whatever happened has happened and we cant do anything about it. We can only effect what happens in the future.

- She says that she kissed me the other night to thank me for not fighting with her in front of her family.
i said you kissed me for more reasons than that but thats ok. I then thanked her for the kiss. I told her that the kiss was the most important thing that happened to our R in the last 6 months.

- She asked "where do we stand"
i said that we are taking things day by day and hour by hour.

- She says that "she wants to be close to me and wants to hold me but is afraid of rejection and getting hurt."
i tell her that i feel the same exact way.

- She says that she "still has feelings for me".
i tell her that "thats good, i still have feelings for you"

- She says that "shes afraid and that she sees teh same relationship as before she says she sees no change". she started to cry.
(this one got me hot...but i stayed cool). I told her that i have changed. That if i ahdnt changed we both wouldnt be sitting here having this conversation.

- She asked about the trust thing and how can we get the trust thing.
i told her that we start by taking baby steps each day...and that we are going to fall from time to time but that eventually we will walk again.

- she swears that i am taping the phone conversations. I am not...i dont have to. She asked me how i knew about hte calling card. I said i saw the 800 number on the log and called it...very simple. She has now resorted to going to SIL house to use phone.

- She says that she still has feelings for me and then a long pause......she then says "but icant deny what i feel inside".
i didnt answer......(i should have said ... yes you cant deny those feelings you have inside for ME.)

- after talking i got up and leaned over and kissed her on the head without saying anything and walked away.

I dont know if she is fishing or starting to withdraw or what? I dont know if there is a message in what she is saying that im not getting. I dont know if she is pulling me in and giving me some false hope.

your thoughts please......

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 05:23 AM: Message edited by: Just a Husband ]</small>

Why is she worried about you taping on the conversation?

To me that is a clue...that she is not out of the fog yet. If she is out of the fog...she would not have minded you taping on the phone because she cannot live without you blah blah.

Then she said about trust...trust who? You or her? She should be saying the right things like how and what she CAN do to build the trust FOR YOU... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

JaH, it seems to me that the conversation went pretty well, if that's really the way it went down. Your wife is not indifferent and this is a good thing.

I propose that you try not to analyze this too much in either direction. I know I do it..I go over every conversation with my H with a fine-toothed comb and it sucks because in the end, it doesn't matter. What matters is the resulting reactions. So far I haven't had a lot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would just keep an eye out for more conversations like this initiated by your WW and be prepared for them, like you seemed to be for this one. She's still foggy, obviously, and maybe the content of the conversastions don't matter (except you not LB'ing), but again, it shows that she is not indifferent and that she is thinking about her options. You seem to be providing a safe place for her to come back to and this is good!

When your wife refers to things not changing..think some diffent, but true things to say (I'm going on some of what SH said to roughroad in her counseling). Things like..."It is not just my behavoirs that have changed. I have changed my whole belief system and the way I approach things. Please know that I do not want 'save our marriage'. I want to rebuild and have something better than we even imagined it could ever be.". I think it's important to let her know that you didn't just change what you DO, but that you've also changed the way you think.

I liked your "should've said" regarding how she feels inside. Remember that tidbit if it comes up again.

It's strange that she talks about trust, but then goes on to say that you're taping her, asks if you believe she slept with OM, etc. Well, not strange, but foggy. I think what you said was good. If it comes up again, be honest and tell her that yes, a lot of trust has been lost on both sides. You're working to show her that you can be trusted, and if she's interested (remember she's foggy), you know for a fact that there are things she can do to help you trust her again. Of course this includes NC, her being open about her activities, etc...but take it slow because you're not in recovery yet. You just want her to know that there are ACTIONS she can take that will earn your trust again.

your thoughts please......

my thoughts..

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

now plan A...drop tid-bits that build on the things she said...
add a little more hope ..(you did go though..really goood)...

She asked "where do we stand"
tell you I have been thinking about that...and you should know that I stand beside you...
my wife...and want to be by your side next year as well..

She says that "shes afraid and that she sees teh same relationship as before she says she sees no change". she started to cry.
tell her that you have decided that you will never go back to that same marriage as before...that you are leaving that marriage behind and working on building a marriage where no one feels neglected and lost...and taken advantage of...

She says that "she wants to be close to me and wants to hold me but is afraid of rejection and getting hurt."
tell her to hold you...

tell her today that tomorrow you need her..
that her you need to hold her...
tell her of your sorrow

she may reject you but you know that...but if you don't tell her..and if you don't invite her to you for you to comfort her...
the chasm between you of all that is unsaid over your loss will be amplified and fester more....

show her a great plan a..
thank her for the words last night..
tell her you miss dearly sitting down and talking with her..
about important stuff..and silly stuff..

ARK

Thanks....

i think its a baby step buts its a step. The lighthouse is geeting brighter....it has too.

There was one more thing i left out...

- I said that i want a new marriage a better marriage with her. She said that "she is not sure if that is what she wants...right now". "right now she is not sure". I think there is significance in the "right now"....am i wrong?

^

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

There was one more thing i left out...

- I said that i want a new marriage a better marriage with her. She said that "she is not sure if that is what she wants...right now". "right now she is not sure". I think there is significance in the "right now"....am i wrong?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are over reaching ... this is fog-light, but still fog.

Relax... don't dig too hard looking for gold in her remarks... she's still awhile away from enlightenment.

....although, she is looking back .... looking over her shoulder, wondering....

"Hmmmmmm..... will I miss all of this if I go?"

Plan A your butt off... and don't say too much.... just nod a lot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> say.... "I understand what you feel." .... at this stage.... her feelings over run her logic.... so just comment that you notice that she "feels" things...

Pep

Thanks....ill keep my eyes and ears open and maintain caution in the fog.

Plan A.....still in place