Plan A'd for 1.5 weeks. W told me she cut contact with OM last week (EA). No final letter to him, but I mentioned this to her. We decided to work on the M. This was me convincing her that I can meet her needs. She was reluctant, but agreed to try. W is taking D out of state for a wedding where OM is next month. Very nervous about contact during this trip. I told WW, that as long as there is contact, D stays here. I have a legal option up my sleeve if needed. For now, she has decided NC. I can monitor this somewhat through email and cell phone. So now she expects to take our D, no problem. Last night she was wishy washy about continuing MC. I told her I think now it is extremely important. I am getting mixed signals. One day we cuddle on the couch, the other she is stand offish. Am I still in plan A? I'm planning a weekend getaway this week for the two of us. I'm telling myself that I shouldn't expect anything, but I think I am. Should I assume that there is still contact and continue to plan A? I only have a limited time until she leaves. I'm not sure what I should do. Jmash

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jmash:
<strong>W is taking D out of state for a wedding where OM is next month. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> NO WAY!
Why does she need to go where OM is?
Why can't you go with her?

Any contact whatsoever might send her spiraling right back into the A.

OM is an ex that lives near her hometown. She will be staying with her parents, spending some time with them and then going to the wedding. This trip has been planned for months. However, things have changed now that I know about the EA. She is going to this wedding, there is nothing I can do to stop her. She won't let me go with her. The only thing I can do is legally keep my daughter from going. I think I am going to play that card later if needed. I truely believe that this in my D's best interest. However, I feel like I am holding my W hostage by making her come back to be with our D. That doesn't mean that she won't see OM. Without our D, it may be easier for her. She still may come back and want a divorce. Then what??

Hello,

What did you say? She is going home to a wedding where the OM will be going also and she refuses to allow you to go with her? This is a clear sign she is not serious about recovery and a total slap in your face. It is totally disrespectful. What is she afraid of? The bottom line is that her actions speaks volumes. How do you think she would be acting if the roles were reversed? You should not accept this. What possible reason would she have not wanting you to go to the wedding unless she wants to be with the OM?

The OM will not be at the wedding. He lives in a nearby town. Even though she has said she wants to work on our M, I still think she is using this time to "think." So now I am planning on making our house as attractive as possible. I emailed her Mother who I have a very good relationship with and asked her for her help and understanding. I received a very heart felt letter back saying that she won't let my W come back if she is going to see the OM. She said that there is no excuse for her having this relationship. It was the best response I could hope for.

jmash

that she STILL "won't"?? - WTF is that - let you go with her and D is a BAD BAD BAD sign. If you let your D go then be prepared to have to spend $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ to see her again, if your'e lucky, rights still mean you have to have the money to enforce them.

I agree on this with most who have posted & I think there were some who had been through this on your earlier post.

Look I know we sound extra suspicious but I guess its because of our own personal experiences and those of others here who have been through what you seem to be facing.
The signs you explain to us are like red flags springing up all over the place.

I think you need to be calmly straight forward with your wife and say you do not have the level of trust with her because of her actions and that YOU go or D doesn't, you dont have to go to wedding or reception, but there is NO reason why she should not take you.
Frankly if she gets upset about this I'd be even more suspicious.
Expect a heap of 'reasons' why she wants to take D. From wanting her old friends to meet her, to nanna, to she would love the trip.....you name it she will think of it!!
jmash, she has already admitted to acting not like a wife, lets be honest, she cheated on you either as a EA or a EA & PA, when she was there by herself before, and you are ok with her doing that again?

You need to set boundaries to which see will know what will happen if she steps over that boundary. Do this will result in that.
Eg contact with OM will mean ...whatever it is you decide...
This is not controlling, but expect her to say that and everything else she can think of to throw at you.

This crap we all hear from WS men & women who say they 'want some time to work it out by myself' is code for 'let me explore & have some fun with my affair and I'll see if I want to come home later'!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

No excuse at all for you not going. In the end, if she wants to go, YOU can't stop her but your D does not need to go at all especially in the current situation and your wifes behaviour.

Wants to visit Nanna?? ok you go and she & you can visit Nanna while w is at wedding. No problem then is there????

I'm sorry jmash this sounds like a runner to me. I think she has no intentions of coming back right away.

Something just does not smell right here. I do think you need to assume she had a PA during summer and be prepared to have to work through some tough times.

Oh & make sure you have that legal action ready to go at a moments notice, I'm afraid if you warn her of legal action she may want to run before you can get it ready.

This sucks mate but only your wife can show what she is willing to do for the M and family.

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: aussie2 ]</small>

I think I am going to play that card later if needed.
I’m confused? When do you think it may be “needed”? Are you considering letting her take your daughter?

However, I feel like I am holding my W hostage by making her come back to be with our D.
??? You are not keeping your daughter from going to “make sure” your wife returns. You are doing it to assure she is not exposed to OM and that she does not keep the daughter out of state if she were to decide not to return (at least when she now has planned).

You are correct in that it won’t prevent her from seeing om and it will be easier for her to see him. Not much you are going to do about that.
But again, it sounds as if she is not planning on seeing him, but I’d wager it will happen, with or without your daughter there.

She still may come back and want a divorce. Then what??
She may come back and say she wants one but until she files for a divorce, she has not filed for a divorce.

As aussie pointed out (a good option too!), if your daughter wants to go visit Nanny, then you could also go with them. You don't have to go to the wedding.

Keep on reading. Read the links below.

Sit tight, hang loose and hold on.

jmash,

I do not post much, but this really caught my eye. My FWH pulled something very sneaky with his first A. We were in MC at the time and his R with OW was an EA at the time, not yet PA. He wanted "permission" to have dinner with her because she was a friend from childhood. He managed to get this one over on me by pretending for several weeks that we were fine and he was in love with me. He outright lied to me and our MC and had frequent SF with me, said ILY etc.. until the night he had dinner with her, then it was over. He became hateful, distant, no SF etc. He did all of that just to get his way. I am telling you this just to warn you that your WW may be pulling one over on you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I was shocked at how far my FWH would go just to get his way. I would insist on going with her if I was in your shoes. God bless you and good luck.

K

When I say that I have some time to play my legal card, I mean that I can potentially get a court order for my D to not leave the state within 48 hours. I heard through the grapevine that the lawyer I saw may not be a bulldog like I would like. However, she seems to know her stuff. My W confessed that she had not even thought about seeing a lawyer yet, so I surprised her. I have not talked to her sister yet who my W is close to. However, her sister has never liked me that much.

Bottom line is that I still have time to see where things go before W leaves. I will stick to my guns about D going and use legal action if needed at the last minute.

Talked to W about NC plan. She said that she has completely cut ties with OM. I don't think they have been talking, as far as I know. She also re-emphasized her decision to work on our M. She is excited about the weekend getaway, but worried about my expecations. I assurred her that I just want us to spend time together and I dont consider it a fix all weekend. However, it is a start and I'm making an effort to show her how dedicated I am to meet her needs.

She says I need to start trusting her now. This is very hard because I have become overly suspicious. She is also not going to MC this week, dosen't seem interested in continuing any time soon. This baffles me, but I can't make her go, she has to want to go. It seems like I am getting mixed signals. She is still planning on leaving in 3 weeks with our D for a wedding. OM is about 30 miles away from her hometown. Am I being played here, or am I just paranoid? I think my feelings are justified, but maybe she is sincere. Thanks, Jmash

Great about her cutting off all contact. Now is the time to talk about the no-contact letter. Don’t simply blow it off.

She says I need to start trusting her now.
No, you do not need to and you should not trust her :just because”. When she shows she can be trusted, that is when you start to trust again.

She is still planning on leaving in 3 weeks with our D for a wedding.
You still have not told that your daughter is not going to go or that you are also going with them?

OM is about 30 miles away from her hometown. Am I being played here, or am I just paranoid?
She sounds sincere from what you describe, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she actually is.
Keep in mind that even if she is sincere about everything, the temptation to see the om will be extremely strong. An addict who says they just quit is not the person to put in charge of the pharmacy.

I HIGHLY recommend you go with her or she cancel the trip.