SHe left the divorce document at my house and wrote a note on the back. Pretty sad for me to read:

"The divorce was final September 13th. I am sorry so many things have happened. I know this is still hard for you to believe. It's hard for me too. We both need to let our lives go on. I do know I'll see you again someday. At least every four weeks for the next year (she is talking about my ortho treatment). Til then remember I am still the same person you loved I have just lost myself and will always love you forever. But for now we can't be together."

that really gets me. The most sad thing I have ever read.

Juke,

My heart goes out to you. I know the need is to answer that poignant message but I think it would be best that you not. Sit on it, and if in 2-3 months you want to reply, then do it. This is a very confused & immature young lady.

Your M is over. It has been thru no fault of yours. The only way you can reconnect is if SHE completely overwhelms you in pursuit of what she knows was the best damn thing she had or ever will have.

Then YOU get to make the choice.

Juke...sorry about this whole damn thing you've been through.

You know some of the saddest things I've read? Posts like yours on this site.

Man, you are just too young to be going through sh1t like this. Too young and too good of a guy. Heavy duty sh1t. I can not say anything that you don't already know or haven't already felt. I again say, it's people like you and your sit that I just want to self-inflict so much pain to myself, to see what I have done. And, it still wouldn't be amounting anywhere near what you probably have felt. I don't think this helps you any, but truly, thank you.

Keep your head up, man. *YOU* are a good person and you know you can be a great husband. Juke's time will come.

juke1225

I'm so sorry for you. Gosh this really must be horrible.

And still, I'd like to tell you something. I don't believe that your wife, really knows what she has written. It sounds very "immature" if you ask me.
Even if it won't help you, I'm more than sure that some day, she will "bite herself in her butt" and she'll ask herself, what she was thinking........... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Til then remember I am still the same person you loved I have just lost myself and will always love you forever.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This really sounds ridiculous to me. She's telling you in "one" sentence that she is the "same person" and yet, she writes that she has "lost herself"...........hmmmmmmmmmmm ?????
I don't get it.

Sorry that my reply probably doesn't help you in your situation but I just wanted to tell you that we are all here for you if you need someone to talk to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care of yourself
bb

Juke,

My date with destiny is 31 days away and counting. When this all happened 5 months ago I could not envision this scenario playing out like it has. It is the rollercoaster ride but still the situation is moving slowly forward to the its' inevitable conclusion.

thanks for the replies. Blondblossom- Yes, the note is immature. Remember she is 23. When she says she lost herself I think she means that she lost all her values, morals etc. Morals that she was proud to uphold. Like she is still the same person, but has done things that she can't believe. She still leaves things open ended with the "will always love you forever. But for now we can't be together." I still don't have closure and may never have it. For some reason this note really got to me and I cried like a child after reading it. It's almost like she feels like she had to ride her R out until it ends before she can reconcile with me. It is selfish and foolish if u ask me.

LINY- Sorry if my posts bum you out LOL. You don't need more pain. I am proud of people like you who admit to making a mistake and then try to fix it. The hardest thing is how can I ever marry another woman when I have already committed my life to one? We are divorced now but I will always feel a committment and connection to my XW in some way. Last night memories of her and I were flying thru my head and it makes me wonder if she was thinking of me also.

Cy- It would take a lot for her to try hard to come home, but who knows. Maybe months from now she will. I don't know. Maybe we need more time to heal before it can even work.

hey juke,

buddy wish i could offer more than just ear but that's all i have along w/prayers. just keep telling yourself that the things your WW or x now does/says is all about making herself feel better. that's exactly what that note was about. i agree it doesn't make sense to say she is still the same person but has lost herself. i know you had mentioned something about morals. but doesn't that help make a person who they are? we've all made mistakes. even though i was the one that was faithful, i know that i was not the wife that God wanted me to be and i have learned my lesson.

in time, if your XW does come back then we can retract what we say about her continued choices and support you both but she is still totally fogged brain and because of that we cannot support her. as you know what she has said is "typical" from a WS. saying one thing or even saying 2 things and like i said it's all about making themselves feel better. "i will always love you and you will always have a place in my heart but I can't be w/you anymore and we need to move on to the next part of our lives." course that's a general statement but is pretty much said across the board at one time or another by the WS.

i would agree w/the suggestion not to reply and i would even go further to say that you should even expect more of these type of things over the next few months. as long as you expect it then you will not get too upset and be relatively prepared emotionally. that's what i do w/every contact i have w/my H (now it's only email because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore-again a WS saying 2 different things). i expect to read things that will hurt me and i just have to hold onto the fact that in this situation i will be the one w/dignigty, grace, and integrity and that it may be God's will that me and my H never rebuild our M.

i probably didn't make a lot of sense but i'm sending you a big cyber hug {{{{{{{{{Juke}}}}}}}} and let you know you are in our thoughts and prayers and things will get better. start and end each day w/prayers. God bless, RR

juke - have a seat, son, and allow me to put a positive spin on this.

Up front, I don't know the details of your story, but I know enough to post this message.

I can't nor shouldn't attempt to diminish your hurt. We all know it's genuine.

You're 26. Heck, I didn't even GET married until I was 30.

Look at what you've learned already at 26. How many other 26 year old guys out there do you think have your level of knowledge of love and relationships? How many 50 year olds?

Man, you now have a extremely valuable advantage going in to your next relationship. When the time comes, you'll have an "unfair" advantage over your peers who will be FAR behind your level of knowledge:

Average guy talking to a Babe in a bar: So, do you want to go see my etchings?

juke talking to a Babe anywhere: Which emotional need is more important to you, conversation or affection?

See?

I know you don't know me from a whole in the wall ... but that never stopped me from butting in before <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I just thought that it sounds like she wants you to NOT have closure. She seems to want to keep you invested in her so that you can't move on. That my dear is very selfish and immature.

Everyone else here is right, you have such an advantage now. You know what it takes to make a relationship work, any girlfriend of mine would LOVE to find a man like that.

Take some time just for you though, I am sure you know you need to heal before jumping back in the water.

Juke:

Wow. You do not deserve this! Have to agree with others that WW is simply immature and still in fog. I hope you find the strength and courage to move on with your life. If at all possible; I urge you not to try and wait for WW to exit the fog. It may be a long, long time if ever! She is in a very dark & lonely place and you cannot help her. Godspeed Brother!

FR

Hi juke,

I am so sorry for your marriage being over.You said something that rings very true for me too: How can I ever be married again to another man when I committed/pledged my heart and soul to the one that now betrayes me? I married for life yet here I am,along with so many others,watching it all crash and burn.It will take,I don't how long,to make things right again,for me and my children.

So,one day at a time.

O

Trying to Forgive- Why do you think she doesn't want me to have closure? Because she still thinks about coming home or because she wants some kind of control over me?

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: juke1225 ]</small>

Trying to Forgive- Why do you think she doesn't want me to have closure? Because is still thinks about coming home or because she wants some kind of control over me?

I feel so bad for you. I know you've read how I too just can't see how I could ever marry someone else when I've already given myself to someone forever. It just doesn't seem right.

As to your XW's note, I think she is trying to keep you hooked on her. Just because she wants to be able to live a life without you as her one and only, she wants to make sure you don't go out and find happiness without her. Well, that's my opinion, but I'm a bit bitter now so I don't know how much of what I say is based on that.

I wonder if Juke's WXW thinks she may want to start again with Juke someday, but doesn't think it can happen until all ties are cut and she is able to disappear into herself for a while. It sounds crazy, but I think there are WSs who feel this way. Also, they think if there is a chance for a new R down the road, they don't want it to be this M that they've defiled. I think perhaps there's something important to them about severing ALL ties before they can sort things out.

GC

gc, that may be the case, but don't you think that it's a pretty sick way of wanting to get back together? Make the person you want to be with suffer while you go out and have fun. I understand that our WS's aren't thinking straight but there comes a point where they have to make their mind up and stop acting like children if they actually want to come back.

That's the concept I have struggled with. At what point is enough enough?
I feel like I just had this moment where I woke up and went, "OMG, what have I been putting up with? How could I ever want to be with someone who cares SO LITTLE about me, about his family? This is someone who has proven he does NOT truly love me, is not commited to me, is willing, even eager to throw me away for a fantasy..."

For so long we say, "fog, fog..." At what point is it no longer fog, but the person - the fog has now defined them? And if they did ever want to come back, in reality, it would probably be for more selfish reasons...

(Sorry, don't know why I'm feeling the need to vent tonight)

I agree with you fhl. I'm at that point myself right now. I feel it's time for me to give up on him and move on with my life. If he wants to treat our M like a high school fling then fine, so be it. I'm not going to fight it anymore. It still hurts, but it's not worth it to hang on to.

I think GC is onto something. And ivy, well, she has proven she is "sick."

Juke...thanks...I would have much rather spared us both the pain and had a few cold ones discussing our wives rather than dealing with what we have to now.
And it's a great question you asked, probably one I am not qualified to answer. I can only think that this is normal, coming from you who had been committed and loving and promised this for a lifetime. However, such as a death of a spouse (which, really, it is,) you need to carry on, my friend. Nothing was your fault. You were the best man a woman could ask for, right?

Only the best for you, man.

ok, just wanted to verify, I'm sick or Juke's XW? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

The way I see it she is still very young. I hate to say it, but I used to act the same way when I was 17, but I've had to grow up a lot, and even though I'm still a kid at heart, I gave up being that way a long time ago.