it is similar to many. started as emails that i was aware of to a guy who has written and recorded songs that she liked. i thought she just quit emailing him, but truth be known, she got a private email account. found an email to our regular account in april that was very casual in conversation. i knew something was going on but she said it really was nothing(never would have dreamed of what was really going on). i believed her. i told her i was concerned. we started to see a counselor but she quit after the second session. she asked for a seperation, said she needed time. i agreed. move day approached and she said no, plesae stay. i stayed (still had no clue that anything was really amiss). fast forward to july. things were not really happy around our house for the months of april, may, june and 1/2 july. i told her i felt we needed to do something. she said seperation, she needed time to take care of herself. i agreed again. about an hour later she went to walk the dog. i found an email she had sent to OM immediately after our conversation of seperation. it flipantly spoke of "the matter of a marriage to disolve". i printed a copy and confronted her with it. i decided not to leave the house. two more weeks of pure hell (internally) and her continuing to say she needed time and space, and i conceeded to sepearte. she said she would find an apartment and take our son there with her. i said i would go so son could stay in our house during his senior year. she said she would end the affair if i did. i moved, she didn't end the affair. that was august 1st. 51 days and nights of pure hell. i have followed a plan A type thing from the start (i didn't know it until last week) with lapses into "how can you continue to do this to me" and other things to express the pain she is causing me. i have seen a counselor and physician but have not been put on anti-dep meds. muscle relaxants due to an "unbelievably tense body" as my doctor stated. it was causing chest pains, which i feared was a heart attack, but other than my EKG being slightly off of baseline, he said i was okay.

i have the usual other syptoms, can't sleep or eat any more than enough to keep me alive. i can't find anything that distracts me enough to get my mind off of it all.

it pretty much sucks.

she still says she loves me, but not in a passionate way like with him (ouch). we still see each other as often as either of us wants (not really because i don't want to be away from her). she says she has not seen him in a month, but i know she still emails him and talks to him on the phone on a regular basis.

her parents know, her siblings know, one of her friends knows. i have not confronted the OM but he is well aware that i know. he is seperated from his wife and telling her that he is all hers. she still tells me she does not want a divorce at this time. i don't puch the issue. i have not acted in an angry manner even once. i never have with her in our 12 years together. she says i am much more considerate than he is, much more giving, she knows he will never love him like i love her....
i do tell her the actions she continues to demonstrate make those things hard to believe.


have i mentioned this sucks yet?

i plan on staying my current course at leasat until the end of october. at that time, i will move back into my house, tell her i would really like for her to stay there with me but if she feels a further need to be apart, she must find an apartment and our son is staying with me. if i can ever find the OM's spouse, i will expose on that end too. he lives in another state and i don't feel like going the PI route. it is a small town, so i may just call any number there and ask if they know how to get a hold of her and if they ask why, i will tell them.

her father won't speak to her (he is good at plan B type stuff). her step-mother emails her every couple of weeks with the old "how are you doing" email but no acceptance of her actions. she gets affirmation from one of her sisters and her friend. they say they truely are sorry for me and our family (which i believe), but tell her she needs to worry about herself before anyone else. this doesn't seem to fall into my game plan. no need to tell my family. we have never been a tight knit group.

while i hate that i am in this forum, it is nice to know it is here. i am sorry for all of you that are here. i am sorry i know your undescribable pain.

tomorrow is another day...better days ahead ....hang in there..... i hear these things all the time.

today sucks though. so have the last 51. none have been much better than the others. and to think i used to like roller coasters.

talk to me.

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 01:35 AM: Message edited by: crackdaddy ]</small>

Have you done any counseling with the Harley's? You should get them to evaluate your situation. Have you read all the concepts and can you put them into your own words yet? Read Read Read.

If you have been in plan since April it is probably time to seriously consider a STRONG plan B. It sounds like from the things WW says that you have done a good Plan A. Now you need to start protecting your love. How much do you have left?

Again, I would recommend counseling with one of the Harley's. Good luck and sorry you have to be here.

C.

Well, sounds like you have really caught onto the MB program. It will help if you can expose this to the other man's wife. So try to figure out how to do this soon.

I never agree that the BS should move from the home, but in your case I think it was the right thing to do, for your son's sake. And I also agree that you should move back in.

So stick with us, and keep on doing what you are doing. It is completely miserable at first, but does get much better.

thanks for the replies.

the plan A type behavior was probably not in full effect until the time of the seperation. i did find myself trying very hard between april and august, enough so she said she felt bad that i was trying so hard, but am sure i threw some wrenches in the works at times (unknowingly). if she moves out when i move home, i will put plan B into full force. it will most definitely be the hardest thing i have ever had to do. i can't even not anser the phone when she calls. i tell myself i won't sometimes, because she knows i am right there waiting for it to ring, but i always end up answering.

i have not even questioned my love for her at this point. i would be more concerned over my physical well-being than losing love. i plan on giving the seperation 6 more weeks, at which time i will move back to my house.

i won't be near a computer until tomorrow late morning sometime but anyone who feels like posting ideas or thoughts, please feel free.


adios