In the past three weeks I have run into the OW 2x's and her H once. Everytime I see her I go into a downward spiral and become v e r y unhappy. Start flashing back to all circumstances and details of the A. I don't want to even be around my H let alone work on my marriage when this occurs.

We live in a small town, only one school district, grocery store... I'm going to have to endure running into to her who knows how many times in the future and I can't stand this!

We've been working on recovering for 9-10 months and so up and down. I feel like I can't take it and it's not worth it. Does anyone else have similar situation and how to deal with this?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I think you will have better results if you post on the recovery board. Most of the folks here are not there yet.

My H and I have been in Recovery for almost 3 years.

In those 3 years I have seen the OW countless times and I see her H on an almost daily basis.

It never really caused me to go into a downward spiral like you have mentioned, but it used to make me a little angry at first. After a while I realized that seeing them was just something that was going to happen. Nothing I could do about it.

I came to the conclusion that seeing them and getting upset only prolonged my anger about my H's A and caused even more resentment towards my H for being involved.

It wasn't fair to my H.

Yes...my H had the A...and he caused the situation and all the pain and deceit....BUT....I had made a promise of being able to move an and forgive and he was doing a really good job of doing his part in rebuilding our marriage. I realized that I wasn't going to be able to forgive completely until I let go of ALL of the anger and resentment. My H couldn't do that for me...and he really couldn't do anything to help. It was something I had to do for me....and my marriage.

The OW had a place in my H's life at a certain point. Her H did not. They were NEVER a part of MY life.

Therefore.....they didn't have a place in MY Recovery or my marital Recovery. They were and are....none of my business.

Sure...she had an A with my H.....but he's the one that hurt me the most. If he hadn't made himself available to her...then it would have never happened. So....she's nothing to me. Her H isn't either....he never did anything to me or my H.

I believe that we choose the reactions that we have to things....and I have chosen not to react at all to seeing either one of them. They are just people that I pass by from time to time. I may look at them...and recognize them....but they aren't anybody special.....so why should I waste my time with any sort of reaction to seeing them.

That's just how I handle it.

Trying: My spouse is Onlywords, we're trying to recover about 7 months now. We too are in much the same situation as you. It's tough.

One thing that I find really tough now is even communications with the W. Like yesterday, she was in a mood, very foul, fit to be tied. When I asked her what was wrong, the answer was something like "nothing, really," there was more but I can't even remember how she said it. I suppose she ran into him (OM) again during her walk or something.

It's so hard. My prayers go out to you.

RH

Trying: My spouse is Onlywords, we're trying to recover about 7 months now. We too are in much the same situation as you. It's tough.

One thing that I find really tough now is even communications with the W. Like yesterday, she was in a mood, very foul, fit to be tied. When I asked her what was wrong, the answer was something like "nothing, really," there was more but I can't even remember how she said it. I suppose she ran into him (OM) again during her walk or something.

It's so hard. My prayers go out to you.

RH

Thanks Believer, went to Recovery too.

Miss Priss, wow-3years, that's great. I guess we have a long row to hoe? Angry is what I became at H. I have no emotional investment in the FOW so I could care less about her. I have negative opinions about her but SHE didn't hurt me, H did.

Anger and resentment are my enemies!!! and H seems to think I should forgive him and I don't know what that means, exactly. That his A has no affect on me? That I don't hold anything against him regarding the A? That I never feel upset when something triggers thoughts of the A? What does forgive mean? You don't have to answer that one for me. I think it's a deep one. I've read all kinds of threads on forgiveness and have prayed for God to heal me and allow me to forgive. There has to be issues I haven't resolved yet (from way back) that are complicating this, I think.

But it frustrates me that he seems to expect this from me. One thing I should explain is a Christian man counseling me when I found out about the A (cell phone records confirmed it) offered to speak with my H and when they talked this counselor advised H that he would not succeed unless he had God in his heart so right then and there he was Saved. I mean a 180. I came to the Lord with my salvation prayer and baptism when H left me Summer 03 and son was freaking out on a daily basis and I thought he would kill himself or his girlfriend (drug addicted), but it hasn't been a 180 for me. It's been a long, trying to learn and understand process for me. Anyway, now I feel like he hides behind this "God can do all things" and only God attitude. I'm not discounting that I just think there is more to this recovery process than that motto. Thanks for you thoughts!

RH, thank you for your prayers. I feel blessed to know people are praying for me. Communication is a shortcoming for both H and I. So sad. It seems our conversations go from bad to worse and I end up feeling, saying "I can't talk to you". We are in counseling and communication goes better in sessions but not at home. The you, you, you's come barreling out and we both reacting and getting offended and it just doesn't achieve much.

I'm in a bad place now, one of the tunnels on the roller coaster, and I want to be left alone by H. Completely! Thanks all for your replys.