I've concluded that I don't want my H back, but if he said he wanted me back I would come running to him.

I don't think I'd even like being with him. Why would I go back?

Sometimes I feel like I just want him to come back so that I can tell him no (although I can't see myself ever turning him down). Is it wrong to want your WS to be suffering as well? Maybe I just wish he's missing me too. I think the thing that's kept me holding on was the pain of not being wanted by him anymore. It just didn't feel right. I'm on my own now, and even though it's not where I want to be, I don't need him to survive and in fact I'm better off in many ways. Maybe I wanted him back because I still don't understand what was so bad about me that drove him away. I don't really know.

I mean I still love and care for him, but I think I agree with him now that we are beyond recovery. I think if we had tried closer to the beginning of this mess there could have been a chance but too much has happened since then. It's amazing how much can happen in 4 months.

As for a D, I don't think he will ever seek it himself. That would mean he'd actually have to face the responsibility of the choices he's made in his life, and he'd actually have to spend money on something that's not recreational for him. He's able to live the "singles" life without doing anything legally so he figures why should he bother. It doesn't make a difference to him. I'm already pretty much out of his life and getting the D isn't going to change anything for him.

Another thought:
I realized today that I don't like math anymore. I don't want to be taking these classes right now. I don't feel like I'm ready for the stress of school again yet. But I have to get it done. I have to get my degree. I've just lost all my confidence in what I'm capable of doing. I know I can do it, I just don't want to try anymore.

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ivoryivy:
<strong> Maybe I wanted him back because I still don't understand what was so bad about me that drove him away. I don't really know. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ivory, what on earth makes you think this was about YOU at all? I mean, we ARE talking about an married adult male who chases 15 year old girls, are we not? Sweetie, I know you've been having some bad days, but you do need to realize that you didn't drive him away, he CHOSE to go.

The route he chose to go was teenage girls. Maybe you are just too old for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I read about the hack job, OMG any woman on this board would be in MISERY over a bad haircut let alone trying to start a new, unwanted life! I'm sure your hair doesn't look as bad as you think. You've got good bones, that'll carry your looks through bad hair days trust me.

Did you ever check the library for the Sweet Potato Queens books? I think they had something on the hair thing. Whatever it was I'm sure it was FUNNY. You need some laughs, Ivory. Don't be so down on yourself. Your H didn't grow up alongside you and you really don't need THAT.

You WILL get through this, remember that you've gotten through worse. Remember to be kind to yourself, it's the little things sometimes that cheer us up. Think of those specific little things that comfort you and either do or get them. It's one step at a time, just like before. {{II}} KB