There were so MANY things, so many things that I didn't like in my M back when I had my A. So many things were not right. Excuse my vent, excuse my pain but my W was a spoiled little brat for a great deal of our M. It's amazing that FOG is still prevasive. I try and I try. We filled out the emotional needs list and she was the initiator in that process, does she try to fulfill them? NOPE! I love my children and my W, but GOD knows I am not signing up for another MONTH, YEAR or multiple YEARS of this anguish. I'm a simple man, really I am. Respect me and appreciate me for my role, appreciate me for my talents, skills and abilities. Bless me with your touch and your supportive words, and I will take care of the rest. I have done hard things, but things that needed to be done to dedicate myself completely to this M even when she was still on the fence. I knew if I had any excape hatches, any distractions that I would pursue them. I hate to say it, but sometimes my W is like a child. A child who has no real bearings or understanding on what it takes to be a wife or a mother. I know my post is confusing, but I am trying to cope with this woman and get her to put her head in this M. Somebody please tell her that being here is not enough! Somebody please tell her that simply ending her R with OM, actually she didn't END it, I aided the ending with EXPOSURE and some PLAN B. I turn to the bible for solace, but there are still times I feel like a fool. I have disconnected all ties to anything that even resembles a distraction in the form of OP, and I've been at this for almost 2 years. It's not my fault she held onto her R with OM! I am ready for rebuilding. I had a conversation with her tonight. I told my W ANYTHING that she needed, wanted, dreamed for our M lets make it happen. No boundaries, brainstorm, dream the impossible, fantisize in your wildest imagination what you would want in a M and I lets do that. It was like I asked her to carry 90 pound stones on her shoulders or something. She looked exhausted when I brought up the issue of our R. Am I just a glutton for punishment. My mind says, this will take time, my emotions say screw this and be happy. She is in the lets just make it work mindset and I'm in the lets make this marriage FANTASTIC, EXCITING, SPARKLING, ROMANTIC, EXUBERANT, INVIGORATING, ALIVE, REMARKABLE, OUTSTANDING, STUPENDOUS AND REMARKABLE MINDSET!

I wanted to believe that she had changed. My W is actually cloudy enough to think OM would have stayed in love with her! What an idiot....sorry but that's how I feel. The falling in love stage last but so long. No woman looks SOO good in her JEANS forever, eventually you are just a woman again and it takes work, new ideas, open-minds, enduring love and all that good stuff to sustain a M let alone a R. I honestly don't know how much more gas I can punp into my weary heart. I am fighting my own demons now. I am feeling taking for granted, overlooked, unappraciated and slighted, does she care? Is she making real effort? OHHH she did call me from work today, WOOWEE.. I've blocked numbers and emails to elimante female friends from my life that far out weigh your small, tiny almost microscopic shows of affection! Am I the fool? There must be more to M than this, and when if ever will she be in a M WITH ME instead of with herself? Oh I get it, this is another test? NOPE! GOD wouldn't give me more than I could bare and this is getting to become too much. My W loves me but she's a lazy, inactive W at best who thinks being here is enough when I desire and need so much more. My mere mention of needing more only DAUNTS her, OVERWHELMS her...HELLO, you are not married to yourself you are married to me....I am a vocal person and I always express my feelings. I've never done ANYTHING without voicing how I feel and what my needs are. I am starting to feel that being alone wasn't so bad, I had the semi-single life for a while and you know what? It wasn't half bad. I DO NOT HAVE TO REDUCE MY NEEDS AND BE IN A M WITH A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T WORK WITH ME IN RECOVERING OUR R.

Once again excuse the venting. I'm tired of my needs playing a distant second for the greater good while my W sleep walks. M should be fun, rewarding and full of anticipation NOT merely MAKING IT WORK OUT or PUTTING UP WITH EACH OTHER!

Can anyone else relate? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I understand you are just venting...and, no, I can't answer your question, BUT...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My mind says, this will take time, my emotions say screw this and be happy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Didn't we just have this conversation?

If FM wants immediate gratification, leave. Now. Why wait, right?

If FM wants "this" (regardless of what we think "this" is), then, yeah, listen to your mind. Let your emotions reflect your mind; not your emotions reflecting your mindless actions.

You define you.

FM,

Except for me not having an A, I could have written every word in your post.It is frightening how similar A's and the WS's are across the board.

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

FM I concur exactly with Cymanca, I agree with every word except I didn't have an A.

Can't advise, friend, only YOU your response to 'the LINY challenge'.

I only hope some day soon my FWW will write a similar exposition of her opinion of MY contribution of as husband so I can get into her mind.

Things have progressed relatively well for us since d-day, but much as I love her I do not want to restore the M I have been so poorly served by these past few years. I am being patient however. We'll see if FWW can stop taking my contributions for granted as we rebuild our M.

I am sure you feel the same way.

All blessings, mate.

'tis a hard road, but your legs are strong and you back is straight...

Just keep on walking the walk. That's all you can do right now.


Hey have you heard that new song "Jesus Walks"?
I LOVE that song, keep bringing it up the computer to play, it really gets me going for some reason.

Weaver

Thanks for responding folks!

I realize this is a process and it takes time. I'm just frustrated is all. Why take an EA Questionnaire if you don't intend on acting on it? It's as if I'm asking the world, but I am not. I don't want to have an A, I want to have a happy M. Happy, not muddle through. Thinking and Thinking is not action. Action is real, it's encouraging, it effects change, not thinking, but action.

I fear by the time she actually decides to put her behind into gear I'll be done with the M. I will do some reading today, letting the scriptures guide me, but SHE needs to read them as well. I love my W and I'm trying desperately to continue loving her, but she isn't making this easy. I need easy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm getting tired of working. MB is such a great place! You folks allow me to vent HERE so I do not vent to my W. She is trying in her own way I guess, and if she'd just communicate her feelings, where she is mentally...I would have some form of understanding as to WHY she's where she's at. The way I see it, until her attitude changes her actions will NOT. The drama with my D really created a ripple effect in our M, it sort of sucked the juice right out of our momentum. I'll brainstorm on how to give us a jump start without TALKING about the M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

HI, FM, see that you are in that place , the place where the WS comes home and now the BS gets all geared up ready for the work and all excited , ok we are going to excite this M ,, rock the world togeher ,,,, and after all it took such hard work and alot of pain to get here so of course there was a reason so now let all be worth it .........

OK ,NOT ! NOT yet sorry if that sounds well , like a downer.. I am not saying it don't happen . BUT most of the time the BS is exactely where you are right now ,, not uncommon at all ... WAS THER FOR A LONG TIME BUDDY !

2cents ,,,coming ,,,,, STOP WORKING so HARD !
'Yes you need to work , but ya need to breath and also you can't make it seem like WORK to HER or for you .

You love this women , so just be for awhile , your tired , you just came off the first rollercoaster ,, now you need to catch your breath ,, then you can get back on ... and you do know recovery is one ride also in the beging at least .

YES some ws want to JUST BE there, then they feel it was good enough step just to commit to the N/C and come come home ... So she took the EM needs and she did it first all positive things ...

YOU want excitement well bring it on ,,, and not like its work ,, but just you acting like you !

Chill out on watching her every reaction to your action !

Take the lead and if she rejects then continue to still be you ,, she will (if she is seriuos about recovery ) find HER WAY to jion in ... Rember she is not you , her A was not yours and yours was not hers ... DOES that make sense to you ?

Also you worked this hard cause you wanted to ,, RIGHT ? So the hard part here to see is that she may not see all that YET ! sucks , YES !

Instead of asking her those questions about what DREAM M she may want or what ever ask yourself and then work on YOU and how YOU want to be ,,, LEAD her to this . LIke I said, she may jion in , not as FAST as you would like but in time .

And as far as being worried that the love won't be there when she is ready well that is some what common as well .It comes from being tired and wanting your giver to sleep and your taker take over <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

OK I do agree with LINY as well .... I am done for now ...

Want romance and comedy well take the lead ,,,

Some MARVIN in the living room and sing to her , giggle , pick her up for the dance ,,, Be happy , be fun ,,, BE REAL !

NOT all about the books, and PROCESS ! Loosen up about the work and how much she is doing or not doing ,,, JUST for a bit ,,

BE happy in the stage of coming home and N/C for a little ,, then go to the next ,, let her get settled into that first then move to the next level !

3

I have no idea if this will help at all...but it is a quote that I have tacked up by my computer that I find helps me...

"Sometimes God answers our prayers one day at a time."

Thinking of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can't advise, friend, only YOU your response to 'the LINY challenge'.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, I think you knew *exactly* where I was coming from! (I think we figured this FM out pretty good, now, huh?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
I fear by the time she actually decides to put her behind into gear I'll be done with the M.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is the case, so be it. One thing I have noticed, FM, is (and this is gonna sound weird) you concentrate so much on the M. Maybe a better way of putting it: the institution of a M. Yes, of course, that institution is extremely important. The two people running that institution are so much more important, though.

Concentrate on Mrs. FM and FM. Let the two run the institution, not the institution run them. (Am I making ANY sense? I don't know if I am any more!)

Through all of this, you two will be better people. I know the thought that "you'll be there before she is" is straining you. But it's NOT a race. Tortoise and the hare, man!

Oh, and...sad...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Sometimes God answers our prayers one day at a time."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think in Mr. Robbins' case....er, uh, FM's case, you need to say "minute", not day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Eggzackly.
Patience.
Slow down right?
I want what everyone else wants, to be happy.
TRY is all I ask.
Don't take it all as a given.
Crack a book about M and Romance and rekindling.
Browse a website such as MB for ideas to better your M.
Need guidance? Open the bible.
It's her bible I've been reading, when is the last time she opened it?
I feel like I did years ago, my needs fall on deaf ears...blah!

I will not do anything that disrespects my W or my M.
This recovery stuff is a hard business.
Participate is all I ask.
Do more than sit around thinking about you M actually do something about it besides having an A.

I know, just relax FM and work on yourself. I've got a neglected "TAKER" over here going bonkers! Get back in your jail cell you selfish TAKER you, we still have more GIVING to do!

I know it's been like forever, get back in there ANYWAY.

I SPITE THEEEE!

Come on "GIVER" get out here...come one...
Pardon me folks...
My Giver isn't as SPRY as he used to be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Somewhere in the middle, my friend. (Yes. It's hard when you are the only one participating.)

I don't envy you; he11, I sometimes can't even empathize with you. (Sympathy? Of course.) And seeing you twist and turn--and hurt--I pray to God that I will never be there, nor be the direct cause ever again. And I pray to God that he helps you through this.

I do understand you feeling selfish. Maybe that's not a good word. I understand you feeling you need your needs fulfilled. (Last time you checked, you were still human, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> )

Balance. Don't lose sight over who you really are in all of this.