I just wrote this on Jokers thred in the recovery board:
-----------------------------------------------
I still think that she must be open and willing to answer all your questions. A book I read compared it this way: Both the WS and the BS need to view "the carcass", the "dead body" of the A. View all of it in the light of the day, see how disgusting it is. Both need to se that, and also see that is now dead.
This is done through the willingness of the WS to answer very difficult questions. This is a very strong thrust-building tool. The refusal to share the history of the A keeps the history alive, as an exclusive secret of the WS and the OP's. Keeping the secrets will be a source of turmoil and hurt far into the future for the BS, perhaps always.
While the openness of the WS is "medicine" for the BS and the marriage, it is not necessarily wise to exploit that openness to visit all details. The medicine is that there are no locked doors. But it is not wise to open all doors. The ws can give advice on which doors you would be wise not to enter. But she should let the you decide. It is the unlocking of the doors, the willingness to share everything that is the "medicine", not the details shared.
Besides, it is a step towards giving you back the ten years of your Marriage that was not yours.
Edited to include:
But she must be able to feel safe in doing so. You must create that safe environment. Also I would suggest that you keep these sessions far apart at pre arranged times. You will then have to keep back your questions in between the sessions, and not pour them out at your first thought. This discipline will be good for both of you. She will be "safe" in between the sessions. And time will help you identified many questions as unimportant before they are asked.
Blessings to both of you!
--------------------------------------
While the situation is different, I still think oppeness is the medicine.
Blessings to you!
