I finally have an apt. with a lawyer. My H has been so cruel lately. He just doesn't seem to care AT ALL about what happends to me and my son. He continues to blame me for what he did and is insisting on filing for DV. There is no hope left! I'm done!

He told me yesterday that as of Oct. 4 (the day he is filing) that he will no longer be having an A. Does he really believe that just because he files that he can have a girlfriend. He's not free until I sign the papers. What is he thinking??? He told me that it's my fault he can't go back to school. Why is he blaming everything on me? I did nothing to this man but love him. I just can't believe who he has become. My fear now is when we are DV that he will marry the OW. I don't know if I can handle that! I don't want my son around her. God....I'm having a hard day!

Tree - I personally believe behavior like this isn't between fog and cruelty.

It's fog AND selfishness.

Of course, fog is our slang term. We could also call it irrationality, extreme rationalization, delusion, denial, alien abduction - or combinations of all of these.

I suggest that if your divorce goes through that you secretly HOPE for him to marry her. He'll have your child around her either way. But by marrying her he will also be defining himself - in addition to the terms that can be used above - as a hypocrit extraordinaire. Why get married when being married meant nothing to him before? All will roll their eyes at his behavior because he will be making a loud statement about his integrity for all to see - and his fog prevents him from seeing how deluded he really is.

Do not attempt to deny him the ability to completely define himself.

When my XW married the guy she wasn't having an affair with just a few months after both divorces, I felt a sense of vindication. Proof - of sorts - that they were both nut cases.

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 08:14 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

It looks like many WSs justify their As by saying it was while seperated or after DV was filed. My WxW justified 2 A's that way. From the looks of her now, that may not be working for her. I think the guilt is eating on her.

Thanks for responding! I just can't take his crap anymore. It's so hard to believe that I loved this man so much. He has become this awful, foul human being. I feel so bad for my son. He just wanted his dad home and in his life. It's so unfair. My H keeps saying that he's not leaving the family he's just leaving me....he just doesn't get it!!! I guess he will learn on his own...the hard way.
He is now telling me that he is going to school to study metaphysics...I guess that's so he can have an excuse for his behavior.
I just don't know how to get over all this anger.

TR,
I know how you feel. My WW gets nuttier and more selfish by the day. I get the same crap from her. She says because she told me she wanted a DV before she started sleeping with OM that it is not an A. Never mind the fact that the relationship started developing at least a month before she said she wanted a DV. That was over 4 mos ago and this DV that she supposedly wanted so bad still hasn't been filed for.

So yes I know how you feel. It is maddening having the person you love be so lost and cruel. It is amazing the lengths they will go to justify and rationalize their actions. As far as getting over the anger? I'm not sure what to tell you becuase I feel it every day as well.

My H keeps saying that he's not leaving the family he's just leaving me....

oh yeah, that was one of my favortie lines too. "I didn't leave my boys I only left YOU" followd with "You were such a bad wife that I had no choice - I had to leave, and now I have lost all my friends, and it is all your fault"

All of this generously mixed in a bowl full of "it is not an affair - we are trying to get a D to make this right" and "God meant for us to be together - that is why he brought her into my life". When you stir all that together, you get a great big bowl of crap! Steaming poo!!!

Of course I have seen full circle at this point. He now tells me that the above phrases were uttered "when he was upset" and he realizes now that I was not a bad wife - that OW was putting those thoughts in his head, and it is now all her fault. That she lied to him, and made him beleive that she was perfect for him, and I was bad, and now he knows better. (Ow has a new BF these days, and WxH has a lot of time on his hands it seems)

Unfortuantely, I think we do reach a point where we have heard enough of the ugliness. where we simply can not take it anymore. I was at that point months ago.

I will continue to hope for better for you - but if you have truly reached your saturation point, please do not beat yourself up over it.

You know what is funny - even though my WH used to make all these claims about how he did not leave the kids - he only left me - he still didn't come around and spend time with them. he was too wrapped up in the OW's world. And now that OW is gone - he still makes very little effort. He will stop by a couple of times a week to visit. Or he will show up at a football game. But he doesn't stick around until after the game is over to give his son a ride. And he doesn't say "I am picking you guys up Saturday, we will spend the whole weekend togehter, and I will drop you off Sunday." Frankly, he is too busy looking for a replacement for OW.

My H keeps saying that he's not leaving the family he's just leaving me....he just doesn't get it!!!

You've got that right. The sparrow's OM thinks he can have it both ways too. Apparently that's what they do.

He's taken a part-time job at Starbuck's on top of his full-time gig so he can afford to get his D. "La la la la la," he says, as he walks from his FT job to his PT job, tying his apron behind his back and daydreaming about my wife. And seeing his child less and less all the time.

Poor OM, his family and affair partner say, he loves his DD so much, he's suffering so much, his wife is so awful to try to get custody, she was abusive, blah blah blah.

You have to go on and do your best to dismiss their ugliness.

GC

I just wish all this pain would go away. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my house and have to move back near my parents. I don't want to take my son away from his home and his friends. My life has been here for so many years.

My H is so out there. I just don't understand him at all. How can he go from acting normal sevreral months ago to now being so cruel and wanting out of this marriage. At this point I really don't want to be married to him anymore but I just can't imagine him out of my life either and with someone else. I don't want my son around another woman....especially the OW. The thought of that tears me up inside. How do I deal with that??

Uggghhhhhh! I just want to go away to some wonderful place and be happy!!!!

Hi tree

I told my WH to stop asking our D if she would like to meet his OW.

He said, "Well they are my kids too and she is in my life".

I said, "well its very disrespectful to me, so please dont". Dont know if he will abide by my wishes, well shall see.

My situation doest look good either, WH came by last week and took alot of his stuff. Looks like it definetly over for us. Even if he and OW break up, he said he still not coming back.

So, i have started a new job yesterday (Waitressing) and it is as hard as hell. I am so tired when i come home.

How are you doing at your Plan B?

I know its hard , but try to Plan B for yourself.

It really helps. It makes you feel more in control.

Take care
hugs to you
A/C0810

I just wish all this pain would go away. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my house and have to move back near my parents. I don't want to take my son away from his home and his friends. My life has been here for so many years.

My H is so out there. I just don't understand him at all. How can he go from acting normal sevreral months ago to now being so cruel and wanting out of this marriage. At this point I really don't want to be married to him anymore but I just can't imagine him out of my life either and with someone else. I don't want my son around another woman....especially the OW. The thought of that tears me up inside. How do I deal with that??

Uggghhhhhh! I just want to go away to some wonderful place and be happy!!!!

Tree-

Your sig line says you registered in 2000. Have you been going through this for 4 years?


Weaver

No, I haven't been going through this for 4 years. My H and I had problems 4 years ago but I thought we worked through them.....guess not.
My d-day was July 20th, 2004. My H moved out almost immediatley and is now filing for DV. He says he just wasn't fullfilled in our M. I guess when you have another person fullfilling you there is no way your wife can do that. Ugghhhh!!!

I'm done with him. I just need help in learning how to let go. The pain is just unbearable!!!!
My son is hurting also very badly. My H says he didn't abandon us and that I have anger issues.....well.....I think anyone in my shoes would be angry don't you????

Tree -

Yes anyone would be angry.

I have read all the emails you have printed from your WH and I think he is very manipulative. I really think he has some kind of psychological hold on you. His letters are so arrogant and condescending. I wish you could break the hold he has on you, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

Weavere.....
Yes, he is being manipulative. His mother is the same way and I never noticed that about him until now. It's so strange how fast people can change!
I've been with him since I was 19..I guess that's why it's so hard on me. I am having a hard time imagining my life without him but I know I don't want to be married to him anymore. I just worry about my son. I worry about me raising a boy alone. I may have to move near my family and that's killing me inside too. I love my family dearly but this has been my home for so long.

may have to move near my family and that's killing me inside too.

No, you will not HAVE to do this, if you don't want to. Get a good lawyer and then decide what you want out of your life. I am raising my daughter alone and doing quite well. It took a few years to get here Tree, but you can do it too. You are beautiful, not that that makes a hill of beans difference in heartache or anything else, but you are beautiful on the inside and that does make a difference.

Tree there was a time for me when I was faced with raising my DD alone when I thought my only chance was to be very poor or find a man. I ended up choosing to stay alone for six years, I had my friends and many interests but I would not date because I needed to prove something to myself. Now I own 3 rental houses and beautiful waterfront property and I have a good job. It didn't happen over night, but it happened when I let go of my fear and insecurities and gave life a chance. And gave other people a chance to believe in me.

If you get back with WH or not, you need this time to find out who you are and what you are made of. It is only fear holding you back. You can have anything you want and do anything you want, you just have to believe.

You can do this, I know it.

I have asked myself the same question! Sometimes I wonder why I am waiting around for someone so content on hurting me. My WH is an intelligent man; he should know exactly what he is doing!

Although I have to admit, believing that he is in a "fog" helps me maintain hope for rebuilding our marriage. Afer all, our WH's actions are not typical of what fell in love with and married, right? I don't even recognize my H somedays!

Wish you the best ( :

-K

Thanks Weaver and kjb!

WEaver....your post helped me to realize that I can do it!!! I want my son to be proud of me and know that I stood by him and fought for him to have a wonderful life as well as for myself.

There is no hope for my M but there is hope for ME!!!! Thank you!!!

kjb...I know what you mean....i don't even recognize my H anymore.....he's someone I would have never been interested in. Hang in there!!

Tree -

It is so painful going through all of this at first, I know just how you feel. But it does get much, much better. I promise you that.

I feel great now, and my days are happy again. You will get there too. Now I look back, and remember it was excruciating, but I no longer feel that awful devastation.

I hope you will go to the MB thing in Florida. There is nothing like sharing your pain and struggle with others.

weaver..
Thank you! You give me hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't think I'll be able to go to the MB thing here in Fla....if it was going to be in Orlando I would be able to but not Tampa.
Maybe there will be another one here in Orlando.

Well, my dear, why don't you organize one in your area. That will give you something to look forward to.

The San Francisco Bay area folks had some great times. I suggested that one new poster that lived in that area go. She had a great time, and called me on the phone to let me know what everyone was like. She met Redhat (quiet), Orchid (beautiful), and many others. The group was very welcoming to everyone. The recovering folks even brought their spouses.

They went out to eat, dancing, and to the wine country. They all seemed to enjoy it very much.

We tried to get one going in the San Diego area, but there just didn't seem to be that many MB people here.