Hey all,
More or less a vent session. I guess I am in a part of recovery that is very frustrating for me. Ark had given me some good advise couple of weeks ago to back off and give WW some breathing room, which i have been. I have been leaving little notes in her car in the morning, just saying hope your day goes well. Have left some flowers in there one morning. Another morning gave her a CD that she has been wanting. Through all this i have been saying to myself not to expect too much back from her. She has called and thanked me for those things and said how it has made her feel good and that she appreciated them. We do still hug and kiss and say I Love you in the morning and when get home from work. Something we got away from over the years. She likes this as well.
The frustration part comes in showing her affection in the bed. I try to cuddle with her put my arm around her rub her back and i have tried to back off on this because she stated that i was moving too fast. So last night again i was told this same thing. WW states that she is scared does not want to find herself giving into me just so she doesn't have to hear me whine or complain,like she used to, which pre DD i would have done these things. She likes the things we do outside the bed but she is having a hard time with anything in the bed. I have told her that SF is a big EN of mine and that i am being patience because she is not there yet, but she states right now sex is the farthest thing from her mind now. It seems like she still not totally comfortable with me cuddling with her in bed,only in bed. States that just wants to go to sleep and that i never did this before so it is hard for her to get used to. Yet in my mind i think, after knowing what she did with OM and how good it made her feel only after really knowing him for six mo. it feels to me like she thinks i am a complete stranger to her and i have known her for 20 yrs.
She states she feels those feeling will come but it going to take time for her. She can't change overnight, and i understand this, but it is so frustrating sometimes. Sometimes i wish i had never read any of the detailed emails that she wrote to OM.
Feedback welcome, just wanted to vent though.
Jets

jets- This one has also been tough for me. I to want to show my love to her and tell her that I love her even though we are going through this, I have this need. I am very cautious with it though and try to POJA with her so that I am not smothering her or asking her to do something that she is uncomfortable with. Most of the time she will meet that need of mine and in a way I hope it is helping her to understand how much I love her.

I struggle with it though because she is still unrepentant as to what she has done, so I feel like I am making myself vulnerable but on the other hand I love her unconditionally and display it by being intimate with her.

I too have been trying to give much space in the house with her and give her little notes leading up the stairway to our room or a post-it note on the mirrow in the morning. I know this is an EN of hers, that she knows I have taken some time out of the day to think of her or plan something for her.

I don't have anything to offer, but wanted you both to know I'm interested in the replies you receive. I don't understand this part of recovery, not only because I didn't experience this..AT ALL...but I'm trying to understand how and WHY this happens ? What gives ?

Is it me...or does it seem WW, take more time returning to intimacy, needing "more time" than a WH?

I'm starting to wonder if it has anything to do with the line between sex/love that women have. A woman...so it's said...equates SEX with LOVE.

I'm confusing myself. I'll wait and read more. I hope you both get something in return soon, I know it is hard in the hurry up and wait mode.

I'm REALLY interested in this.

KB and BIJ,
Thanks for the response. I was wondering if i was going to get one today.
KB- I can relate big time and WW and I have had discussions about it. I don't know why it is taking her longer than me to feel comfortable with these feelings. The only theory i might have is the fact that I realize our marriage was having problems in May, way before DD and since then have been trying hard with Plan A'ing it, or least i thought so at that time. So I am few months ahead of her in these feelings i have for her, where she is not yet. I have lurk these boards off and on and it gets discouraging when u read of some couples who immediately after DD resume SF with each other. This has never been my case. Although i try to say that every situation is different. Again sometimes i wished i had never read the details in her emails she was senting to OM around DD, because these are the things i wanted so bad in our relationship and she was giving it to someone she new less than six mo. I know i was not doing meeting her EN at that time like i should of,but it still hurts. I have tried to not remember this or bring it up as often now, but it conts. to creep back in our conversations and thoughts once in a while.
BIJ,don't know how to answer your questions, SEX equaling LOVE as women see it, but it would make sense. I now tell WW that i don't want to go back to that person before, I want our intimacy to mean something other than just sex. She states good on one hand but on the other confused as to she is not used to my displaying of affection. STates never did that before. I tell her i am not the same person i was before don't want to be that person.
I guess Time is what it is going to have to take and patiences. Counselor states do small things for each other and do fun things together and it will come. Mean while i am respecting her POJA and not trying to push it or annoy her.
Sorry this was so long winded.
Jets

Jets BIJ,

I have to be honest after the 1st DDay I wanted to reclaim my territory so intimacy was occuring everyday until I found out about the second affair with the 2nd man, then she was in the fog but she still met my needs and she also entered in with me. She is still in the fog regarding wanting to be married to me or not, that she doesn't know if she ever felt in-love at the beginning and the kids will get through it if we divorce.

It is strange how she could be doing this to me but still be intimate. For men it is the act of lovemaking that communicates to our SigOth that we love them. With infidelity it does not from the other man. It is cheap and quick.

You would have to read my story to get a better understanding of my situation.

Bottom line for me is that I am trying to cultivate an environment of unconditional love and forgiveness so that she will get out of the fog and reconnect. That also means the intimacy as well. I have read where women have a more difficult reconnecting in this area than men.

Where I am at now is a wife who is severly rebelling against God, has a hardened heart and is unrepentant. All I can do is get out of the way and let the Lord do his work.