I have been trying to do plan A for 4 months. Husband never wanted to talk about relationship. Last night I told him that I needed somebody who loved me and only me and planned on spending the rest of there life with me. I told him if he did not feel that way that he was hurting me by being with me. Last night I said how much do you love me. First he said I don't know. I said on a scale one to ten. How much? He said about 7 or 8. I said I was disappointed. He said he lost love for me because I keep throwing his cheating in his face. I told him that it is not that. It is the contact that still goes on. Always with the excuse for the sake of the child. He says I have not forgiven him. I said I had. He brings up fact I cheated on him over a year ago. I say mine is done because there has been no contact and I have said I am sorry multiple times. His OC was born September 15th 2004. I tell him I can never accept him visiting OC in OW home. He says I am insecure. I say no woman would be secure with that. So I am asking is there anyway to get his love back or is this a lost cause. I thought it was positive at least that he has finally talked to me. He has been holding this in a long time. Please give me some opinions. More Plan A or Plan B.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

It's hard to say from your brief description, but it doesn't sound like you did a real Plan A. You don't consistently bring up the affair, have R talks and ask your spouse how much they love you on a scale of 1-10.

On a GENERAL time scale..it take a couple of years to recover from an affair. Yours was last year? Was his a retaliatory affair?

If you don't want him to visit OC in the ow's home, was alternative plans have you offered for visitation?

OK...I'm am ONLY saying this because of the brief description here and I don't know your whole story. I *sounds* like you are being very demanding. I *sounds* like there might be an issue of , 'do you want to be right, or do you want to be married'. genia, can you give us a few more details, INCLUDING your affair? Timelines, etc?

My affair was the summer of 2003 while he was in jail. He is angry that I led him to beleive that I was being faithful. I ended before he got out of jail. He caught me because of a cigarette in an ashtray. I don't smoke. I am not sure who left the cigarette, but I confessed. He had a feeling I had cheated and he was right. About November 2003 he had an revenge affair. I found out and confronted him about January 2nd. He confessed but did not confess to the whole truth. I confronted OW. He then confessed to the whole truth. We soon found out she was pregnant. This was before I found Marriage Builder so I laid into him about not using a condom and how could he do that when I was home. How I would never cheat on him when he was home, that what I did only happened because I was lonely. And I used protection. And how could he put me at risk for diseases like that. I found Marriage Builders in May. So I tried to suck up my hurt. I however did confront him every month for the last three months about him calling her so much. Yes I am guilty of trying to get him to talk about how he feels for me. I did try and get him to hug me. Sometimes he did not want to. I did complain about him going to OW town to spend the night the two nights that he did it. Both times we had a very big argument about it. I am a selfish person too. I want my man to love me more than anything in the world and I cannot understand why he can't. It hurts so much. I thought Plan A was not suppose to last but about six months. I don't think I can take much more him not loving me 100%. I want him to get legal visitation rights to OC. He wants to get OC from OW's home. He said I could come but that I might have to wait in the car.

Bump. Anybody.

genia...7 or 8 out of 10 is magnificent given what you have both been through!

You are basically going to have to have some patience and do a better PlanA.

Your husband has a baby (a small baby) by the OW. Of course you should be visiting the baby with your husband. this child is going to be a part of your life for the rest of your life and you need to establish a good relationship with this baby from day1. Show your husband how magnanamous you can be and how loving. This is not the babys fault and you need to be a loving and kind step parent. It is very reasonable that your husband picks up such a small child from teh mothers house. Your waiting in the car is an excellent compromise on his part.

Do you believe he is still having an affair?

Hi Debbra,

Thanks. No I do not think he is in physical affair with her but maybe emotional affair. He calls her entirely to much "for the sake of the baby". He called her every two to three days for the most part during her pregnancy. He said physical part ended December of last year. I am not sure and he says I should just take his word. I just wish he could have seen the importance of honesty throughout. He is seing the reality of his actions now. Tonight he said he wish he had always used a condom and that he had never had children. He said he wish he had finished school and went to college. A little late for that. But at least now he sees the importance of condoms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by Debbra:

You are basically going to have to have some Show your husband how magnanamous you can be and how loving. This is not the babys fault and you need to be a loving and kind step parent. It is very reasonable that your husband picks up such a small child from teh mothers house. Your waiting in the car is an excellent compromise on his part.

Do you believe he is still having an affair? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What Genia has left out (this time) is that her H is actually an abusive bully who has struck her, called her names, and has tried to isolate her from help.

Does this change your answer?

GENIA !!!

Remember, we talked about this ... a relationship can last through the love-down times if there is RESPECT ....

Does your H respect you?

Pep

Hi Pep,

Thanks but I guess I was just hoping he could change. I guess I excused his actions. He has only been violent with me twice. Once when we first got together he was on drugs and needed a fix. He is clean now and has been for 2 and 1/2 years. This last time he was under a lot of stress with the new baby coming and second wife sueing him for child support, and a warrant out for his arrest for child support for his two oldest kids. He used to work but has been unable to find work for the last two years, six months of which he spent in prison. But thanks Pep. I just thought maybe since he talked to me that there might be some hope. He is not always abusive, just when he is stressed or thinks I am trying to control him.

Genia...are you going to keep posting and watering down the story until you find somebody to tell you what you want to hear?

This man is an immoral, ex-con, out of a job, dead beat dad, adulterer who's only regret is not using a condom, abuser of you/ow/his children/your children and you want to know how to make him love you? He's sucking the life out of everyone he comes in contact with and you want to be with this man? I don't get it. No one can make anyone love them. And apparently no one can get you to wake up to what you're doing to your children. Your 15 year old daugther ran away. What happened with her? You never mention her unless it's a story about what your husband did and you don't list her as your child on your posts.

Instead of looking for someone to support your husband and you in your abuse of each other and innocent children, listen to what has been posted to you and clean up your life!

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: jph ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by Genia:
He is not always abusive, just when he is stressed or thinks I am trying to control him.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And.... he is less abusive than your first husband... so this abuse "seems" like a "step in the right direction" in your sad eyes...

You deserve NO ABUSE.... EVER!

Tolerate NO abuse Genia.... none.

Pep

link to abuse infor by harley

Genia, try this....

Pep

Hi JPH,

My daughter is 19 and is not listed because she did not live with me. My husband's past is his past. Ex Cons need love too. He was not abusive around my kids, not even close to the way discipline used to be done. I have stopped him from disciplining my kids.

Pep,

I stand corrected. I was just hoping that maybe there was hope for him. His second wife told me he beat on her. He has never beat on me. He just hit me the once with my cell phone. It left no bruises. I hit him one day a while back. I was angry and drunk. So I guess I am an abuser too. None of this went on around my kids.

Genia... take a look at that link I posted...

You two need an unbiased 3rd party person to help you work past all of these abuse, affair and OC issues... I know money is tight... but without counseling, I don't see how you two can straighten this out. You both bring poor communication skills to this marriage. You both need to be guided and taught a new way to interact with each other so that emotionality does not ruin your marriage.
Pep

Hi Pep,

Thanks. I will. From living in abuse so long, the only way I learned to function was to fight back whether it was physical but usually with my tongue. Now I have suggested to him that if either of us get angry that we leave the house till we calm down.

Udate,

Idea for solution. My husband has admitted that he don't love me 100%. Well that crushed me because I am thinking to myself what's there not to love about me. Oh Well. I thought maybe I needed to do the Plan A better like some of you all told me. This morning I hear something on the radio that wakes me up. It speaks of desparate women who will do anything to try and get a guys love. They spoke of men who disrespect women, cheat, and tell the women that they love them because they don't want to burn the bridge. Then I thought of my man disrespecting me, telling me he don't love me 100%. I start crying. I call my husband and tell him how I am crying and feel hurt that he don't love me 100%. Then I think, I could plan A my butt off and that will not make him love me. I remember when we got together how I did not fall for him. But I was lonely and enjoyed his company. It took time and effort on my part to fall in love with him. So I call him on the phone. I say you only get out of something what you put in. If you put nothing in, you get nothing out. I tell him that I have been putting 100% into this relationship. I say it hurts me putting into this relationship and getting little out of it. I say if you will start putting into the relationship you will get something out of it. I say I don't know about you but this relationship is important to me right now. I say I want you to think about this, but don't wait too long or it will be too late. I say am I wrong or am I right. He says he hears me. I felt pretty proud of myself. If I am wrong let me know. I am just tired of Plan A and not getting enough back. I can't wait forever for him to love me. Maybe I am wrong but I think I should ask him to put in some effort before Plan B.

Bump.See prior post.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>