My story- I'm the wayward one. Married 14 mos.-very rocky. No kids. Husb. not meeting emot. needs shortly after marriage. He was abusive on sev. occassions, gave up trying to work on marriage, his family was more of a priority than me and our relat., no longer affectionate,attentive, sex life terrible.

I realize that none of this excuses my behavior. When my husband went to his parents' for an entire week to help them, I was upset. I called my ex-boyfriend, met up with him, not intending to have it go so far. I slept with him and my husband found out a month later when my ex called him in the middle of the night.

My affair ended immediately. I have not contacted my ex, nor do I want to.

Now, my husband wants a legal separation. We are selling our house. Is it normal for the betrayed spouse to want to have time apart? I read Surviving an Affair and sent him the book as well. He constantly tells me that he doesn't know when, if, or how he can get over this. Can anybody provide me with feedback?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rae03:
<strong> My story- I'm the wayward one. Married 14 mos.-very rocky. No kids. Husb. not meeting emot. needs shortly after marriage. He was abusive on sev. occassions, gave up trying to work on marriage, his family was more of a priority than me and our relat., no longer affectionate,attentive, sex life terrible.

I realize that none of this excuses my behavior. When my husband went to his parents' for an entire week to help them, I was upset. I called my ex-boyfriend, met up with him, not intending to have it go so far. I slept with him and my husband found out a month later when my ex called him in the middle of the night.

My affair ended immediately. I have not contacted my ex, nor do I want to.

Now, my husband wants a legal separation. We are selling our house. Is it normal for the betrayed spouse to want to have time apart? I read Surviving an Affair and sent him the book as well. He constantly tells me that he doesn't know when, if, or how he can get over this. Can anybody provide me with feedback? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Rae! Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time.

I am a FWW. My experience is a little different then yours, however, as my A's (yes, I had two...ughhh....) were over for three years before I told my H. We were at a very different point in our lives by then and he was determined to make things work. I know, however, that there are many experienced builders here who will be able to give you some advice.

I am concerned, however. You said your H was abusive on several occasions. Are you in counciling- either together or separately?

Dear Rae,

I'm glad you broke up with ex-BF immediately. An A does no good to anyone involved, BS or WS. And it's certainly not a good basis to start any other relationship.

Would your H go to counseling? I'm just wondering how exactly you want to work on your M, and why, if it's all you have described before. You shouldn't do things just out of guilt over the A, but because you honestly still love your H and want to give it a chance.

In my opinion - if you guys get back together but don't work this one through - there will be some major resentment issues, both for him and for you. So counseling would be a good thing for the both of you.

the issues of your husbands physical abuse and the ramifications of that...

the need for you to be safe in your own home way outway the affair issues....

what did he say about the abuse...
first time
second time
etc....

ark

rae03,

Welcome! You have definitely come to the right place. As others have asked, please tell us a little more details of your situation. While your story is not atypical there are some flags that popped into my head while reading your initial post.

You said that your H was withdrawn, abusive and not meeting your emotional needs. OK, ( and I am just asking to get information), why were YOU the one in an A 14 months after your M? It may appear that you need to look at your portion of what happened with a little more effort and perhaps a lot more clarity. A's don't happen in a stable spouse after 14 months of M unless there HUGE unresolved issues with that person.

I suspect that this A may have a lot more to do with what YOU were or were not doing in this brief M. Introspection is very difficult and complicated and that is why counseling on an individual basis might let you appreciate your role in what happened and what will happen.

Stay on MB. Write. Read. Be honest with everyone, especially yourself. You will find many friends here.

I am not sure if I'm doing this right...to reply to a reply, do I just click on post a reply? Can I reply to individual repliers? I've never visited, much less participated in a discussion forum before. Can anybody help me here?

Yes, rae..you did it just right. It will be easier for us to give you support if your main story is in one post.

Welcome to marriage builders, though like everyone else, sorry you're here under difficult circumstances.

Marriage Builder's principals ALWAYS work, even if your marriage does not--that is, if you follow the plans.

brownhair had some good questions? Why do you value this marriage and want to rebuild? There is no excuse for an affair, which you have realized. But you had problems before that. If your marriage were a happy and fulfilling one, what would you and your husband be doing differently?

The similar question to me seems to be about the abuse. Obviously, my husband has a very bad temper. On the abusive occasions, he seemed sorry. The last time, he began to go to counseling for anger management. I made it clear to him that if it happened again, I would leave him. It didn't happen again. I also went to counseling...so we've been counseling separately, not together. I've been seeing my counselor religiously, every week. He began going weekly, then shortly after, it was every two weeks, then 2 weeks. I didn't agree with that...I'd noticed that he'd learned to control his anger, but that the anger was still there. I said that I thought--and he agreed--that he had other unresolved issues to be worked out. His former fiance had similar complaints to mine (he let me read her "dear john" letter) and left him...he was devastated. Though before the affair, we were considering going to a therapist together. Currently, he isn't interested "right now."

During these 14 months, it got to the point where I was feeling like I was doing 90% of all the work--bills, laundry, housework, painting, dinner, planning/suggesting activities,initiating sex,etc. We both work and we both contribute exactly equally to the funds, but that's about all he was contributing.

To answer the question about why I was in the affair, if my husband was the one seemingly unhappy...the thing is that he was content with what he was doing (probably because he wasn't having to do much)...when I complained about things to him, he would reply that it's normal for the relationship to change. I agree with that, but not the extent that the relationship did change. I know it's not a fairy tale, but reading Surviving an Affair really allowed me to understand myself, what was going on with me before I sinned, and what my husband's role in the affair was.
I was doing too much in the relationship, I believe. I was trying so hard and I got to the point where I was sick of trying when equal efforts weren't made by my husband. I was lonely. Very lonely, and when I met up with my ex, he met some of the emotional needs that I so longed for. I am certainly sorry for what I did to my H. I've made that very clear. I've apologized to God, my H, his family and my family (because they all found out when my H told them).

Forgot to answer a question about why I would want to try to work things out...

It's not because of guilt. It's because I know that my H has the ability to be a good H. He was wonderful early on...so I know he can because he has. I do love him. I recognize the goodness in him. I just wonder if what he was before was just a game to win me over or if he can really be that person again.

rae
Your story is similar to mine. My husband was never physically abusive but emotionally. The marriage broke down on the honeymoon. I came out of the shower while he was talking to his parents on the phone and from then on he went silent. I don't know what they said or did but it was devastating. He never "emotionally left" them and they controlled every aspect of his life which included making me the enemy. We went to counseling the second month we were married. All the advice the counselor gave us was dismissed by my husband. He just couldn't stand not doing what his parents told him to do...and he was 34. If I had it to do over again, I would have sought more counseling at the beginning. Something needed to get through to him to break that tie that was choking the life right out of both of us. Eventually his parents died alone, he is now an alcoholic and we're divorcing. This was 21 years ago. As you I stuck in there hoping that one day he would wake up. Too much damage was done and too much time had passed. Our sex life was in the pits too. His mother told me in front of him that sex was sin. This was 2 weeks after we got back from the honeymoon!

I saw a big red flag when you said he went to his parents for a week and they were his priority. There is no way you can have a successful marriage if he hasn't left home emotionally. What happened in my case is they were so rude to me that early on I guit going there. That made them even madder because I wasn't around to take their rude comments...

Don't do as I did and not be aggressive in seeking counseling...it needs to be a priority! I thought that time would bond us together and break their ties-it never did. They were lonely hateful people and everyone in their lives despised them. They couldn't let anyone in their cicle because they were afraid it would be known what kind of people they were. No friends, no family, no church, nothing. Pathetic.

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: jph ]</small>