I guess I should start this from the begging.

When my wife and I first married 3 years and a smidge of change ago we were considered the perfect couple. Everybody wanted to be us. Really almost everyone still thinks of us that way.

During our first year of marriage I was laid off from the job I'd always wanted. Immediately I started a company with a couple of the lay offs, but we needed to pay the bills, so I also took a normal job. That job started taking more and more hours from my life, well more than I expected. I wasn't getting enough done on the own company so I started working weekends for about a month. During that month she began seeing someone at her office. This was a man who was a joke for us, because of his obvious crush but I was blinded and had no idea something like this would happen when I found out a few months later. I guess so the timeframe can be set right the affair started right around our first anniversary (although I suspect the emotional part started before). When that happened I bought "Surviving the Affair," read it and had her read it, and decided to stay. I quit the company - because I knew that had to end or my marriage was over. What hurt me most was she was always supportive of my working on that, of course that's when she was making excuses to see him.

At the time I took most of the blame for the affair. I read Surviving the Affair, but we never did any of the exercises in the book (Policy of Joint Agreement, etc). Instead I think I just gave my whole life to her so it wouldn't happen again. I can't say I'm sure that's an unbiased opinion though - more of a rationalization.

You see over the next year and a half to two years we rarely talked about her affair. It still hurt, but bringing it up seemed pointless. She'd apologize, I'd say well it's okay. Then she'd say stuff like, "Every time I think it's okay that comes back..." So I felt guilty for brining it up. I know that wasn't her intent, she was just expressing her feelings, but that's what happened.

Over time I became more resentful of my life and my wife. I now work the type of job that I swore I'd never take. I don't trust my wife, and I don't feel any sense of control over what I do. I think my love for her started to die - and I never expressed it.

Unfortunately I did the worst thing I could have possibly done. I started confiding with a female friend of mine. Worse yet I have low self-esteem, so when she would do things like flirt with me I dismissed it as something that could never happen with ME. After all the woman is attractive, and I'm already married "Out of my league" so to speak. Naturally I developed feelings for this woman, and we began a PA in approximately June of this year. Maybe July. We kept trying to end it because the woman was a friend of my wife's, and because we both knew what we were doing was wrong. Of course everybody hear probably knows there is really only two ways these things end, when the feelings between the two parties die or when a spouse finds out. On Sept. 11 we had a housewarming party, and this woman wasn't coming for what was a lame excuse. The truth was I'd met her kids on several social calls that weren't sexual in nature, but that I couldn't tell my wife about either. She was sending text messages to my phone however, and before guests arrived (thank goodness) my phone vibrated, and my wife read the message. And the previous 20 or so.

The affair ended that day - however I'm in the hard process of cutting off contact with the other woman. It's hard primarily because of course I truly don't want to. She was a good friend for a long time before this turned sexual, and a confidant. Plus she works in the building. I miss her a great deal. We've e-mailed some and I only count NC as today because we talked a lot yesterday.

I feel very stupid because I've read this site and the books, and I KNEW I was wandering onto the land mines as they happened. But since my wife and i don't have complete and total honesty I never told her my dissatisfaction, or that I was developing feelings for this other woman.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm cutting off contact with this woman because I know that leaving my wife for her is the wrong move. However I can't shake the feeling that any marriage with 2 affairs in 3 years is just not meant to be, no matter how you slice it. That maybe I should have left after the first one. I should add I don't feel love for my wife any more, and I've told her as such despite not wanting to cause her pain, but I do care a great deal for her despite my horrid actions.

I suppose what I'm looking for is re-assurance that this isn't a waste of time, and that we shouldn't both just cut and run while we are still young.

--------------------
BS1/WS2 27(me)
BS2/WS1 28(her)
M: 3 yrs
Together: 6 yrs
DD1: 2 yrs
DDay: November - don't remember exactly
WS almost no contact with OM
DD2: 11 days
DDay2: 9/11/04
Attempting no contact but she works with me. Will quit job soon.

Fog, fog, fog -

Yep you are in the fog.

Pure fog talk.

Once NC is really in place and you make an honest attempt to rebuild your marriage, you can post the same question, okay. However I have a feeling if you do what you need to do, this line of questioning & rationalizing will not come up.

Bless you,
Weave

look at this way...for the first time now you and she have a chance at a real marriage....

with both of you working together to create the marriage you both desire....

you two really haven't been married yet...cause neither of you have acted it..

marriage is not an entity outside of our actions it is exactly what we make of it...

the rewards of two people working together at cherishing one another....giving eachother a soft place to fall...

inspite of everything else...
is an awesome admirable thing...

why would you walk away now when you stand at the cross roads of creating that..
and where would you go..
into another relationship for each of you...coming from a place on not learning a things...

why

ARK

Finding,

I would like to apologize for my short and somewhat snotty reply.

It is just hard to read someone questioning the worth of his marriage, although I'm sure that most go through that at some point or another, it's just that with the added complication of affairs, how could you ever know how good your marriage could be, if really, really given the chance.

Ark said it all really, you have a chance at something great, don't throw it away.

Weaver

The pattern is not unique....

You see over the next year and a half to two years we rarely talked about her affair.

It still hurt, but bringing it up seemed pointless.

She'd apologize, I'd say well it's okay.

Then she'd say stuff like, "Every time I think it's okay that comes back..." So I felt guilty for brining it up.


Over time I became more resentful of my life and my wife.

I don't trust my wife, and I don't feel any sense of control over what I do. I think my love for her started to die - and I never expressed it.

It is a pattern of conflict avoidance.

No matter who you are married to ... you bring your problems of conflict avoidance with you .... it's part of your baggage.

If you divorced your W and married OW .... you would re-cycle your issues of conflict-avoidance and end up where you are now.

Face the problems within your marriage.... free of any emotional ties to OW ... that is your only honorable way out of this mess.

Pep

FindM...Wow, you're bringing back flashbacks (and I swear I don't toke!)

Seriously, though, you have already been given some good thoughts. Not advice--you didn't ask for our help.

I have one thing to comment on:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm cutting off contact with this woman because I know that leaving my wife for her is the wrong move.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, at least you're ending the A. FOR THE WRONG REASON, though.

If you want to live a single life, not married to your W, OK, then, ya got me.

BUT, if you really (I mean *REALLY*) want your W and your M, repeat that sentence and "why":

"I'm cutting off contact with this woman because I know staying with my wife [and rebuilding our mariage] is the right thing to do."

Perception. Right now, it's cloudy, it's Bob Pure W English foggy out there. (BP: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> --I love you, man!)

You know the material, findM. Act on it how you will. I know you've read it--can't even refer to you as the Gatsby. But, act on it if you want to save/rebuild/start from scratch (however you want to say it) your M.

Best wishes.

Yes of course its worth it!

Think of what has happened as tears in the quilt of your life together. Are you going to abandon that beautiful quilt, and all the work that has gone into it, because it has a few tears or are you going to take advantage of the tears to add to and improve your quilt?

The more I think of it , the more I realise that perfectionism is one of our biggest enemies. we live in a consumer society where we are more likely to replace something than to repair it. Marriage isnt like that and repairing it will not make it a less perfect thing. Just like one of those wonderful old fashiopned quilts, it can become more beautiful and hold more value with care and repair.

Do the right thing. If for now u do it only because its right, you will never regret it.

Come here for love and support. We are all rooting for u ( and are all quilting in one way of another <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FindingMyself:
<strong>however I'm in the hard process of cutting off contact with the other woman. It's hard primarily because of course I truly don't want to. She was a good friend for a long time before this turned sexual, and a confidant. Plus she works in the building. I miss her a great deal. We've e-mailed some and I only count NC as today because we talked a lot yesterday.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW in my case was my "best friend". Of course it's hard to cut off contact. My H also didn't understand why we couldn't "all remain friends" since they "stopped doing it" now.

I tried this.. but it just doesn't work. It's too painful for the BS to see her H and the OW together, or to know they are seeing each other, even (I do say EVEN) if they are 100% "honorable" now.

Plus in your case there is the gigantic risk nice, friendly OW will be sooooo supportive next time something goes wrong in your M that your continued contact with her is an accident waiting to happen.

So you took away your W's friend - so you lose a friend yourself - that is the price to pay for crossing the boundary of friendship and turning it into an impossible relationship.

I'm very sad about losing my friend in this process, and since she and her H were our best friends I also lost a lot of social interaction. It wasn't even my choice, I didn't get any "fun" out of their A, only misery. Now tell me why I would have to stand for my H still wanting to be "friends" with OW?

As to your original question - of course it's worth it. You're in an unique position where you can see an A from the BS and the WS' view. This should help you understand each other. You will need to build on your M - you know, the EN stuff etc. You are both presented with a unique opportunity to learn how to do things RIGHT in a relationship. If you don't fix the things inside yourself that made you make bad choices, you're very likely to repeat them, even with another partner!

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 02:25 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 04:56 AM: Message edited by: Harudah ]</small>

Firstly, the OW is not your friend. What kind of friend is an accomplice in helping you risk destroying your life and your marriage? A real friend does not use you when you are vulnerable instead of giving you the help you ask for. A good person does not sleep with a married man, with no respect for your W: also her 'friend'.

She is not a good person and she does not have your best interests at heart. Cut her out of your life NOW. Don't 'try', do it. Change your email address. Change your phone numbers. Quit your job. If you do not do this, you will regret it when you end up D'd.

Secondly, realise how lucky you are to still have your wife. She is deeply sorry for what she did, and as far as you have told us she is still there, working through the pain, despite you messing up BIG TIME.

You say you don't love her; OK, but you say you care for her deeply, so work with that for now. Fact is, you DO love her, and when you once again realise this it is going to feel fantastic.

Be a man, be determined, be loyal, be strong. It is 100% worth it.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 06:50 AM: Message edited by: ks2001 ]</small>