Just when I thought everything was on it's way up, I got the rug pulled out from under me. Would love any input. I received an e-mail from the ow on the weekend. And, of course, although she had promised to abide by my h request for no contact, had to send a cc to him. It began with what seemed to be a "sincere" apology for her contribution in the a and ensuing turmoil. Then the dagger flew. As I had previously questioned her moral integrity,(her professed christianity yet married, and having an a with a married man), she felt a need to chastise me. She said: "The one that judges first is the one guiltiest of all. While you may question my morals, you have to live with destroying you marriage in the first place. From what I was told about you, I am surprised he has even agreed to try to make it work. He promised me he was leaving you and that is the only reason I agreed to the relationship. But, if you really are trying to salvage your marriage, I am just happy that he is finally getting the love and respect he deserves and had desired for so many years. All the best, blah blah blah" Anyway, after the steam cleared, I was so frustrated , and still am, that I don't know how to take this. This is the second incident at contact from her after she promised none. I think that is was makes me the most angry. And of course, the sappy introduction and obvious concern for my h emotional future did not withdraw any love units from their accounts. He assured me that this did absolutely no harm to our healing process,but, it does affect my resentment issues and insecurities. Although he feels she did not have the right to criticize me, he said that what she said was right, and at least she apologized. He thinks I should just forget about it and get on with our lives. Let her have the last word. Do I?

A few questions.

How long have the two of you been in recovery?

What were the circumstances surrounding your decision to recover?

I can't formulate an opinion without this info.

--Noodle

duplicate

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by revelation:
<strong> Let her have the last word. Do I? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of COURSE!

Her last word is desperate sour grapes!

Ignore her.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The one that judges first is the one guiltiest of all.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I'm judging her first to be pond scum. And I'm not guilty at all, so what does that do to her logic?

Give your H a hug and laugh at her childishness. She is irrelevant.

LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Do NOT let this bother you. It's her last ditch effort to try to cleanse her own GUILT through you. She's tranferred all of her failures onto YOU ?

Why ?

Think about this for a minute..and you'll feel MUCH better.


........because his promises to her were EMPTY.


Block her email addy...period. Let her know continued contact will result in a restraining order.

Do not let her get to you.

Let's assume (and we know what happens when one does that) that she's correct about the first one to judge is the guiltiest. (I'd love to see chapter and verse on that piece of work!) If that were true then she would be the most guilty for she judged you to be a terrible wife so she was free to take your husband from you...

What in the world does your husband say she's right about????? This was nothing more than an insult. Like we here in the south say, if you end a statement "bless her heart" it's not an insult. For example.."She is a terrible wife, Bless her heart." It makes the insulter look pious. Gag!

If she were so sorry for what she has done, has she confessed before her congregation what she has done to the church? You might want to consider sharing this e-mail with her pastor.

My first reaction was to send her back verses especially in Proverbs where the Bible talks about the adulterous woman but that would give her just what she wants...contact. The best thing for you to do is ignore it. It will drive her crazy why you haven't answered her insults...and if you do, negative contact is better than no contact. The worst thing a human can do to another is not to despise them but to be indifferent.

Don't take this to heart and don't let it interfere with your recovery. That's exactly what she wants it to do. Don't fall into her trap!

revelation..

What troubles me here is your husband's repsonse..not her fog babble. This is why I wanted to know how long and under what circumstances you two have decided to "recover".

His response just launched all of my flags.

--Noodle

{yarg..typos!}

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

I'll tell you what we did, I did recieve contact immediatley after discovery as did my wife. We changed all of our phone numbers and email addresses. As for the old email accounts we changed the passwords to a long sting of random numbers that would be impossible to remember. This way my wife never fears she is contacting me again. This would also help with withdrawl if there is any.

I would block her email addy.

I wouldn't respond to her ever again.

And, what was your H's response to the cc you sent him?! (curious here)

I feel better now.... thanks for tolerating my rude outbursts!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The one that judges first is the one guiltiest of all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm, that doesn't correspond to any known Bible verse.

I judge her to be an ignorant, immoral, adulterous, venomous, unrepentent, non-Bible reading Christian. And since WAT already took the "guiltiest first judgement" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I must guiltless-iest.

She needs a study on Proverbs 6 & 7, but God will teach her that one if she continues on her path.

Don't reply, don't feed into her.

But do keep open communication with your H...there's work to be done there.

Have you gone to counseling?

Thanks everyone for your encouragement. It makes me feel alot better. To Noodle - We have been in recovery for a year. What initiated it was his willingness to never have contact with her again which he has honored. She had tried to contact him once and he hung up on her. He also recognized that I was serious with MB and decided that it would be the best for both of us and has been diligent with trying to apply the suggestions. As far as his response to her e-mail (by the way, she was the one that sent him a copy of it), "she was right" in that he did lead her to believe that I had ruined the marriage and that he was going to leave me. He has since come to his senses and realized that we both were party to our problems. Withdrawl has taken longer than I had hoped (patience is a chore) as he still believes that they were meant to be together (25 years ago - lovers, Feb/03 reunited), but ,is determined to work on our marriage and honor his vow to me, while working on falling in love with me again. Does that answer your concerns? Anyway, I am tempted to verbally attack her, but, it would just be a pi** ing party. so I'll refrain myself. Thanks again, and I'll keep in touch

Revelation,

As the others have said this "person" is not worthy of your energy. She is desperate and pathetic. Who would write another woman a stupid email like that, let alone one who was having an affair with her husband. It is sickening at best.

As WAT said, she is irrelevant, and judging from that email, she knows it.

Weaver

Did your H write her a no contact letter?

If not, perhaps this is needed now. I'll defer to other opinions on this since I have no direct experience with this tool. But if crafted correctly, a NC letter might seal this case. It has to come from your H and it has to put her in her place in no uncertain terms.

Others?

WAT

Ah...that makes a whole bunch of difference!

She is right with regard to him having said that...thanks for clarification.

So he still believes that they are "meant" to be together? Why would he invest any further with your M then? Wouldn't that mean it is ultimately doomed to fail? Fighting fate and destiny..and..and..various other Fog Deities? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I applaud the grace that you have extended him. My hope for you both is that some day in the near{ish} future he will be conscious of it and greatful for it.

--Noodle

What in the world does your H think she is right about? Your marriage is none of her business. Your husband, your recovery, your lives are none of her business! She needs to "but out" and get her own life. It's so obvious that she was hurt and so obvious that she is trying to "hurt you back". How pitiful, how pathetic. Block her email and don't dignify it with a response. If your H was any kind of a gentleman he would call her in front of you and tell her to leave the both of you alone. He should start honoring his wife as a husband should. This woman is "right" about nothing that involves your marriage. It is simply none of her business. (sorry to be so harsh on your H... but he needs to get his priorities straight)...

Thanks WAT and Noodle. The nc letter was sent last September. That was when recovery started. As far as the "meant to be together" issue, I am hoping that this is still remnants of withdrawl and that portion of the fog will eventually clear. We are leaving on Saturday for a romantic 4 day vacation planned by him, so I am hopeful this will be another turning point. I am actually quite happy that he made the effort to plan the trip wthout my suggestions. We'll see what happens. Thanks again for your support and encouragement.