am sitting here so sad. I feel undesirable, worthless and feel like a big failure.

It seems like my husband is really serious about leaving at the end of the month. I think he is planning on living with his sister for awhile. I am so scared. I don't want to be alone, have and raise this baby by myself, be a single mother, see my three year old get his heart broke, lose my best friend and lover and the only man I have ever really loved, start over and live in our house alone. I know I need to be strong but it's so hard right now thinking about everything.

He seems to not even care about anything right now. He does not care about pulling his 9 year old son out of 4th grade and putting him in a new school, taking his son away from his home he is use to for the last 3 years, breaking our three year olds heart. Our three year old cried the other night asked his dad not to leave and not to pack his bags. He doesn't seem to care about the promises he has made me or how I will deal with everything, he doesn't seem to care about the new baby coming and not being able to be there when she is born or growing up.

All he cares about right now is his happiness, his wants, desires, his selfish reasons and his choice to be single again.

I know I need to be strong for my kids, myself and the new baby on the way. I guess I am just venting tonight. I really don't think there is anything more I can do. He already knows I am changing and am willing to work on things. That I still love him and want him in my life.

I have not been a bad wife. All these years I have done nothing but love and support him. When I met him it was about 2 years after his exwife cheated on him and left him and their son to be with the OM. He says I helped him realize he could love again. I helped him get his bad credit back to a good status. Helped him with his son. I know there are areas I could have been a better wife. But I have done nothing that deserves any of this. Am I that unloveable? Sometimes I think that now that he is back on his feet again. Is happy, credit good, has things and feels he can survive on his own he doesn't need me anymore.

What can this OW really offer him other than a fantasy? What 20 year old wants a man that will be divorced 2 times if he leaves me has 3 children from a previous marriage and is about 8 years older than her. I just don't get it. Yeah he says it's not about her. Then why doesn't he stop calling her and give his marriage a true chance?

Sorry for the long vent. Don't have anyone to really talk to and just needed to get this off my chest. I just don't see any hope for us at this point

SML - If he does move out, you will be alright maybe even better. It is hard being alone during this time of our lives but it is also easier in someways. You will not be subject to his cruel, selfish actions everyday. Being removed from this chaos will be good for you and your baby. I miss my WH but I don't miss the rejection I felt from him after D-Day. I have been able to heal during this time and gain a new perspective. I really think this time could be good for you, the way things are between you and your WH right now are not healthy for you. You have been going through this for a long time and little seems to have changed. Hopefully, him moving out will help him to see what he is giving up.

When my WH left all he kept saying was he had to find happiness. I think all of us here know that a WS's actions rarely, if ever, lead to true happiness. I don't think my WH really could grasp that he was walking out on his unborn child. Now with time alone his actions have changed. I don't know if he will be back, I hope so, but if he doesn't I know that I will survive and you will too.

No you have not been a bad wife. This has nothing to do with you, and you must believe that. This is all about him and his fantasy with the 20 yr old, and you know darn well it will pass.

Your post tonight breaks my heart. Kloe is right you have been going through for so long and it is not good for you. You continue to be hurt over and over again. It is just heartbreaking.

I am so sorry, wish I had something worthwhile to say. Just hang on okay. This will pass and you will be happy again, you will.

Can you go into Plan B when he moves out? Is that an option? Have you been Plan A'ing all this time? I cannot remember. I guess my question is - have you been able to implement the MB plans at all through this?

I tried to be strong when he came home. I didn't do such a good job. We watched Smallville together. I was laying on the floor beside him and just thought about how it's going to be like being alone. I just broke down. He looked sad and just rubbed my arm. I told him I wish he didn't feel like giving up on our marriage. Then I left the room and came up to our room.

Kloe,
Yes I do believe that him being away may do good in some ways. But I also think that it will bring the OW even more closer to him. He will be free to talk to her all hours of the night, see each other whenever he feels like driving down there and he will probably feel ok with finally having sex with her. But I also know that him living out his fantasy and seeing that it is not really reality may be the only way to make him realize certain things. He may come back he may not. If he doesn't I guess he really isn't the man I fell in love with in the first place.

I guess the thought of being alone again is what really gets to me. I thought I found the guy that wanted to spend his life with me. He sure treated me like a princess at one point in our lives. Did and said all the right things to make me fall for him. I know I will one day be able to look back on everything and be able to learn something and be a lot stronger from this. Just right now it's hard to find something positive.

One of my other fears is that he will start dating this girl and they do make it. I will have to deal with her in my childrens life. And I do not want that at all. I do not want that homewrecker getting the benefits of having my children in her life. She does not deserve any part of them.

Weaver,
If he moves out I already told him that I do not want any contact whatsoever from him. When it comes to seeing his son I will arrange something with his sister or my mom for him to pick him up. Since about June I have been doing plan A but I am sure it wasn't the greatest. Since constant phone contact was going on between my husband and OW it was hard for me to just sit back and act like didn't bother me. But I have changed in some positive ways and I am still working on me. And I know he sees that. I guess my only regret with trying to follow MB is that I didn't do plan A like I should have.

I feel a little better this morning. I am the type of person that I hate not knowing. I don't have that much patience I guess.

Last night I went to bed alone. He came to bed later and didn't say much. When he got up this morning he seemed kinda cheerful. Gave me a hug and kiss goodbye before he went to work. My mom and our MC says he seems like Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Also I just found out last night that my brother went to Ocean City this weekend and one of our cousins saw him holding a womans hand. His wife was working all weekend and my mom was watching the kids. We suspspected something was up. My mom confronted him and he lied to her. I have so much resentment for my brother right now. I have talked to him about my situation and he didn't say much. I guess I know why. He couldn't since he is doing the same stupid stuff to his wife.

I just pray that my brothers eyes and my husbands eyes are opened soon to what they are doing. Their fantasy is short lived but at other peoples happiness and expense.

{{{{{{{{{{SML}}}}}}}}}}

hugs and prayers to you, RR

I talked to my SIL again today. She said my husband and her had lunch together today. He told her was moving in with her for sure at the end of the month. I think she is starting to believe his foggy talk. She says maybe it's not about this girl. Maybe he is just unhappy. She said maybe he just calls this girl to have someone to talk to that he feels understands him... Blah blah blah... So a wife is suppose to be ok with this relationship. A realationship that he goes to see her kisses her, fondles her, spends money and time and whatever else??? I don't think so..

She said well he is going to leave. Would you rather him leave and go to North Carolina. Or would you rather for him to come live with me so I can talk with him and stuff. I told her I had no problem with him leaving to think about things. But I think he wants to leave to have more freedom to call this girl whenever he wants and also go see her without feeling guilty about it. She then ended the conversation by saying that she was sticking behind me and if he truly does leave me and wants a divorce she didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

I sent him a email a little bit ago. I guess I shouldn't have. I was very upset and frustrated about the whole thing. I am sure it didn't help things. But I'm not going to dwell on it because it's already sent.

I talked with my mom earlier she was very sad when I told her he was going to leave at the end of the month. She said let him go. Maybe this is what he needs to realize things. But I guess it's just not that easy to turn off my love and feelings and not care if he goes.

I was thinking about things on my drive home. Was thinking about the baby coming and not having him there. And him not being there next to me at night. Him not helping with this baby. My first one we had when we weren't married and I raised him by myself for 8 months. I thought this time it was going to be different. I just keep wondering how someone can just walk out of your life and not care about you anymore.

SML,

If he wants to leave, let him go, but if he moves out, then I suggest you go to Plan B immediately. You will need to draw up a Plan B letter. You can have a intermediate to relay messages in case of an emergency, but I would no longer have any contact with him at all. I know that this is all very difficult for you, but right now you are going around in circles and it is not helping. The more you nit-pick at him regarding OW, talking to your SIL about him etc., it only makes him withdraw more. He's like a rebellious little kid and he should be treated accordingly.

I understand that you still love him and that it is almost impossible for you to imagine a life without him, but right now he is not capable of giving you what you need and your current action only push him away further. You did nothing wrong and you do not deserve any of this, but presently he is not right in the mind and therefore you will need to stop reasoning with him. You can try reverse babble (see Orchid's posts for suggestions), but if he does move out, then you should go dark.

Your SIL is always going to be his sister and sometimes it seems that they almost want to believe the fog talk because they probably don't understand him either. You cannot count on their loyalty. I made the same mistake and it hurt a lot when I realized that I could not get the support out of his family that I really needed. But that's okay because I can help myself. And so can you, but you've got to WANT to help yourself. Right now you are going in circles, around and around. Plan A is impossible because of him throwing the A right in your face. In addition, you are pregnant and therefore emotionally even more vulnerable.

What is your relationship with your Mom/Dad? Do you have any friends? You will need to build a support system for yourself apart from your WH and HIS family.

Kati

Kati,
My relationship with my Mom is really close. She is my best friend. Right now though my mom is under so much stress. My older brother is cheating on his wife but denying it.. My younger brother is depressed and cannot figure out what is bugging him and has thoughts of suicide. Now here is me going through this while I am pregnant. I just don't want to put anymore on her even though I usually end up breaking down and pouring my heart out.

I don't have any real friends. I work for my SIL and her husband. But I also feel like you that I have to distant my personal life a bit. They know everything that is going on they say they do not agree and stuff but like you said he will always be their brother and son.

I will go to plan B as soon as he moves out. I cannot be around him and be friendly. It would just continue to break my heart. I already wrote a plan B letter. I posted it the last time he went to see her.

SML,
your husband is a real s**thead.
You have to try and stay relaxed during the pregnancy. Worry about yourself first and foremost.

Yes right now he is not the man I married. The man I married valued, treasured and cherished me. I just hope the man I married soon steps up to the plate.

I am trying to stay relaxed as possible. My pregnancy seems to be coming along very well. After my doc visit next week I start to go every 2 weeks. I am nervous about the delivery since I had a really rough time with my first child. My mom will be with me when I have the baby. If my husband leaves the house I will not allow him in the room or even call him when I am in labor. He doesn't really seem to care to much about the pregnancy. To him I think he feels it was another one of his mistakes. Oh well I don't see it like that. I see it as a blessing. And when the baby is born hopefully I will be to busy to even worry about my husband.

Last night my husband came home from work about 10:30. He should have been home around 7 or at the lastest 8. But he stayed out to call the homewrecker. I didn't even think about him really. My son and me watched extreme makeover then went to bed. Of course when my three year old heard his dad come in he jumped out of bed to go hug his dad and play with his dad.

Earlier I told my three year old that daddy might go stay with his Auntie soon. He told me but daddy loves me. I said yes he does. And he smiled. Well when his dad came home he looked at him and said. Daddy please don't leave. Stay here. Don't pack your bags. He went and sat on his lap and said. Do you love me? His dad said yes. Then he said well if you love me stay here. That broke my heart so much more. How can a father just walk out like that? He is not just hurting me he is hurting our kids also. My husband just looked at me like I told our son so say those things. But I did not.

We ended up going to bed and I didn't say anything at all to my husband. I figured if I am going to LB I am better off just being quiet. This morning when he got up to go to work I asked him why he was so late last night. He said traffice. I said you really think I am that dumb. He said well that is a answer. He tried to hug and kiss me on the forehead before he left but I didn't hug him back. He kept looking in my eyes I know he could see how sad and depressed I am ... But that does not make any difference to him right now. And I realize nothing I say, do or feel makes his feelings change. Him leaving may be the only way he will see what he is giving up. Because with him staying here I don't see any end to the contact with her in the near future.

I agree SML, it might be the only way. And what do you have to lose? Nothing, you cannot continue to live that way, but you have everthing to gain - happiness, peace, & hope!

SML, i think you will find a common theme here that most of the time the WS need to be on their own free to live their fantasy life in order to wake up. now i'm not saying that is true for every situation but i think you understand what i'm saying. i think you know this in your head and even your heart. i've maintained from almost the beginning as well that it might just take for my H to move in w/the OW (either before or after divorce) to finaly realize the reality of the situation and that their R has know future. my H has moved out of our house but where he is living i don't know. i know he doesn't have money to rent a place on his own and i don't think he is living w/the OW because she still lived at home. but who the heck knows. i didn't think my H would ever cheat on me either.

anyway, i found out yesterday that my H has not even filed for a d yet. my lawyer checked. my H has been telling me since May that he is going to file and even told me a few weeks ago that i would be receiving a summons. he's basically had total freedom to do whatever he wanted because i don't live in the same state and i know he has, like go on trips and introduce OW to his family. now is he actually waking up and that's why he hasn't filed, is it because he still wants me to file, or is it because he doesn't have any money to file? i don't know, on any one day it could be a lot of reasons.

i probably haven't made a lot of sense but just wanted to validate that a lot of the times it does take the WS to get out on their own before they start turning around. listen to kloe she's in the same boat as you (pregnant and WH is out of the house). but first and foremost start and end each day in prayer. stop letting your H see how things are getting to you be careful who you talk to in his family regardless of whether they say they are behind you or not. continued prayers to you, RR

My view is that is impossible for ONE person to fix a marriage. If he's not willing to be with you and work on the marriage, I think detaching from him NOW will save you grief later.

By the way....lesser women have done what you're about to do. You CAN make it and be a GREAT mom - with or without a H.

C

My view is that is impossible for ONE person to fix a marriage. If he's not willing to be with you and work on the marriage, I think detaching from him NOW will save you grief later.

By the way....lesser women have done what you're about to do. You CAN make it and be a GREAT mom - with or without a H.

C

Hello all. I am not sure of what will happen. I am losing hope as far as my husband changing his mind about things. He is very deep in the fog and even his sister is starting to believe his craziness.

I do have faith that God will see me through this. Even if my husband does not come back after he leaves I know that God has a better plan for me and I will make it. I also know it will be hard to deal with. I was single when I had our first child. We didn't marry till he was 8 months old. It was hard and my husband hurt everytime he visited on the weekend and had to drive back home 2 hours away. Now he will not be there for me again. It hurts to know the person you put your trust in to help you through the good times and bad doesn't even care anymore.

Tonight I am taking our kids to the fair. My two SIL's are coming over plus my husbands cousin and their families. I know it will be hard to act normal knowing next week my husband plans to leave and they know it. But I will be strong. Tomorrow I may take them to see the new movie Shark Tale. My plan is to do as much with them and make them my happiness.

My favorite time of the year is coming up. All the holidays and family events. The baby will be here in Nov. I will be a busy lady. Hopefully to busy to constantly worry about him. Eversince we started dating I have talked to him every single night. We dated for 3 years before getting married and every single day we talked for a hour or more. I know it will be hard not hearing from him but I will be going to plan B. Not to hurt him or spite him but because I don't think I can handle acting like I am just his friend.

Well hope you guys have a good weekend. I plan to even though this is going on.

My husband sent me this email.... Any ideas of what to say back???


I owe you an explanation. I know I do. I just feel that when I try to talk to you, you never listen. And that you have already made up your mind about how I feel or should feel anyway. Nothing I can say can persuade or disuade you of this. I don't know what I can say anymore. I'm sorry for everything...I really am.

I was thinking a little while ago. Maybe this is a good time for my WH to leave. You see for the last 7 years he has been part of my life and my family. My family is a big holiday family. We get together play games, eat, celebrate and have tons of fun. My husband has enjoyed this very much throughout the years.

When we were dating he even came to my mom's house over his mom's house because he had such a good time. Also him and me always went out during black friday. Christmas is a big thing at my parents house. We have this huge get together and exchange presents. His family doesn't do anything. They don't even put up a tree. Plus the baby is coming another thing he will be missing out on.

I just think if he goes he will remember all the good times and miss them. He will also probably regret what he is doing and hopefully realize what he is giving up for his own selfish reasons. Who knows. I am just rambling I guess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by c-dub:
<strong> My view is that is impossible for ONE person to fix a marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I reckon that that there's about a million people on this forum (myself included) who hope you are wrong, and quite a lot of people who know that you are. Not sure that SadMarylandLady needs to hear this right now, IMHO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />