Hello MBers...
My ex and I have been divorced for 6 months.
During our 18 year marriage he had many affairs and I had two.

My problem is that his last affair involved a woman who was his client. He did not charge her for services. He admitted to me that he had been very attracted to her. While we were married, he confided in her some personal info regarding our marriage. He took her out to dinner and to a movie. He took her out to lunch on several occassions. He went with her to help her buy a car. That time that he spent with her and her daughter was time that was taken away from me and our children.We were married and of course this was all done behind my back. After I found out about all of this (he was honest enough to tell me what he told me) I asked him to never talk to her again since he had no further business with her. Then just before the end of our marriage I found out that he had called her. He said she had called him and left him a message and he called her back. He had many other affairs before that one and our marriage quickly ended. It was very hard letting go. Then I found out that he started seeing her after we were divorced...going dancing...going to the movies with her and my children and spending time at our home with her and my children. He swears that they never had a physical relationship. I find this very very hard to believe. He does not consider this an affair. I certainly do. We are now in the process of trying to reconcile after being divorced for 6 months. I would like him to call her with me on the other line and hear him say that he is trying to reconcile with his wife and he can no longer have any contact with her since they had been involved in a "relationship" while he was married behind my back. I need this because he still considers her a "friend". I need to hear it for myself and know that it is over between them before we start to reconcile. That episode with him and his "client" was devastating to me during our marriage and it hurt me even more to know that he allowed a woman that he had an affair with around my children after our divorce. Any suggestions regarding this situation? He seems to think that his relationship with this person is okay and I'm being unreasonable. He has never admitted that it was even an affair in the first place. Any suggestions out there???

Lynn

Here's my opinion.

Let's take a different approach as most here at marriage builders would agree that his relationship with this woman is inappropriate at best.

Rather than debate the title of his relationship with this woman, and what they may or may not have done..why not simply tell him that this one is non-negotiable if he wishes to reconcile. I think you are allowing yoursef to get tangled up in trying to justify your feelings. This is unhelpfull and unnecessary. Either he places more value on your reconciliation..or his R with this woman. It's good to set the boundaries now. It is good to know to what lengths he is willing to go.

Think of it this way...there is so very much to be overcome is restoring this marriage. If he is not willing to concede even this small thing..what is that telling you about his level of commitment? Do you feel that bodes well for the future? Is this a wise investment for you?


--Noodle

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>