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#1188818 09/23/04 02:14 PM
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Part of recovery does require patience. One thing in your favor is that the A can not survive indefinitely. Infidelity is always short term.

Learn to use the shortcomings of the A to your advantage. Plan A and plan smart.

You have more in your court as far as support and help than the A does. Also, the WS and OP have to continually live in fear of getting caught. Another device that has been helpful for me is 'doubt'. When a person has to live in doubt or is given doubt, they live in fear. It is hard to enjoy life anywhere for any reason while that fear hangs over their head.

With patience and in time, the BS gets the info they need. Where they are in their personal recovery at that time will determine the choices the BS will then be able to make (marital recovery or divorce).

Learn to take the lemons handed to you due to this A thing and turn them into lemonade. Sounds silly but like a lot of odd recipes, it works. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Continue your counseling. Penny and the MB gang are great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It does get better.

Oh yea, learning to fog babble doesn't hurt either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

take care,
L.

#1188819 09/23/04 02:25 PM
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Thanks Orchird.

I don't have it in me to Plan A. It takes everything I have just to make it through the day. Dh has said he would give me some time for me to work on me. Get myself where I need to be.

I don't even know if there is an A. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what is the truth, what's not. I just know I am tired of being lied to, of always questioning, of second guessing.. I am tired of it. I don't want to do this anymore. I dont' want to be nice to him, I don't want anything to do with him.

#1188820 09/23/04 02:35 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by neverenough:
<strong> Thanks Orchird.

I don't have it in me to Plan A. It takes everything I have just to make it through the day. Dh has said he would give me some time for me to work on me. Get myself where I need to be.

I don't even know if there is an A. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what is the truth, what's not. I just know I am tired of being lied to, of always questioning, of second guessing.. I am tired of it. I don't want to do this anymore. I dont' want to be nice to him, I don't want anything to do with him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">U seriously need to work on you. I strongly urge you to work with Penny. Steve is great also. His insight along with Penny and Jennifer is priceless.

Why continue down the path of the unknown, when you c/b in recovery? I recall my dark days when I felt like I was in a very dark room with obstacles all around me. Hanging from the ceiling were sharp square objects, protruding from the walls were 3 dimensional figures and from the floor sprang odd shaped obstacles. All the while I had to keep moving, carrying with me my most prized posession, my child. That was all I could carry. Stopping meant losing my life so I cotinued to struggle through the darkness. No light showed anywhere, it was a dark time. With persistence and a bit of stubborness, I found the light that helped me in turn find the will to survive. Is it dramatic? Yes because it was a dramatic time. That is how I felt not that long ago. Yet it felt like a looong time ago.

Get back into counseling. Pray for patience, a clear mind and a calm heart. Get your mind and heart in sync. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

#1188821 09/23/04 02:39 PM
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We are continuing with Penny, we worth with her just about once a week.

I don't understand how we can be in recovery if I can never get the truth out of him. I still haven't forgiven him for the first EA. I just don't see how it is possible. THank you for taking the time to post to me.

I don't think I can get my mind and heart in sync. From day one my mind is saying it's never going to change leave now... Especially before dd5 becomes even more attached. Hit the door running.. I stay only because I don't want to admit I failed.

#1188822 09/23/04 02:53 PM
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Listen carefully..... work on your personal recovery 1st. To have marital recovery requires effort from you and your H. Right now you can only control your actions. Strengthen that and you have a chance.

Now as a non-professional but as a survivor of the A junk, I can tell you that you have a very negative attitude that will hinder your personal recovery and hurt even your children. How willing are you to fix that piece? If you put sincere and concentrated effort, you will find amazing results.

JMHO,
L.

#1188823 09/23/04 03:16 PM
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Oh yes my negative attitude. I've been dealing with this for some time now. It's no secret. I have been fighitng off severe depression for at least 2 years now. It effects my children greatly. I have asked dh to take them and let me be.. That's how bad it is, I don't even want to be around my own kids. This is what I meant when dh said he would give me time to work on me, getting past this.

Now he sent an email

"FINE I HATE MY JOB AND LIFE ! I WISH I COULD END IT ALL SOMETIME."

#1188824 09/23/04 03:57 PM
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Hi.
I am sorry for what you are going through.
I wanted to let you know you could find out the name and address of this phone number. There is a service available at phonebust.com. It only costs a little over twenty dollars. I used it in my own "detective" work to find out the identity of my H's OW. You will have results in less than 24 hours in most cases.

#1188825 09/23/04 04:25 PM
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Thank you for the information. If my Dad can't find anything I will give it a try.

So, now here's the question. Dh will be home soon. How do I act? What do I say? He will be in a bad mood and mope around. Do I act like nothing is wrong? DO I ask for his help with dinner and the girls, or just do it all myself? Do I sleep in our bed tonight. Do I hug him.. Please help me out, because all I want to do is tell him to get his sh*t and get out.

#1188826 09/23/04 04:32 PM
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NE--

Just thinking about how people react to things. Seems like you might make him stew a little bit. Have a perfectly fine evening, as best you can, and put as much as you can behind you... for tonight. But ignore the DH.

#1188827 09/23/04 04:56 PM
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And then tomorrow CTJ? I am supposed to take the girls to see their grandma tomorrow so dh an I can spend the weekend together..

#1188828 09/23/04 07:34 PM
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neverenough -

Your husband is having at least an emotional affair. So accept that, forget about the 51 phone calls on his phone that he knows nothing about.

Stay in Plan A, and wait to check with Penny.

#1188829 09/23/04 09:35 PM
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Believer~

I'm confused, I haven't been in Plan A. Not even sure I would go into Plan A. If I confirm anything it will more than likely be time for a Divorce.

Please educate me. I'm lost. I don't have it in me to Plan A the man. I can barely even get myself out of bed everyday and get my kids dressed and fed.

Thank Believer!

#1188830 09/23/04 09:52 PM
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You have the best counselor in Penny. So sit back and don't worry about things so much.

I am absolutely sure that your WH is having an affair. I guess I have been through this stuff so long, I can smell an A a mile away.

Plan A is usually where you should be. But you must do what Penny says to do.

If you are miserable and running out of strength, you might want to consider anti-D's. They really help.

Please believe that things will get much better. When I first found out, I was a total mess. Now my days are happy, and life is good again. And my husband is still living with the other woman.

#1188831 09/23/04 10:42 PM
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Thanks Believer. I don't talk to Penny again until Monday, so I'm a little skittish about what to do and not to do.

I can't do anti-d's. But thanks for the suggestion.

I really don't know what to believe anymore. I've been through one EA. I'm so tired of living like this.

#1188832 09/23/04 10:54 PM
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Sweetie - I have been going through this for 20 months. It will get better for you, I promise. You will get through this, but it is very hard.

Keep posting and venting here, lean on us, we will help you.

#1188833 09/23/04 11:02 PM
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I know believer, I have followed your story.

I am so angry but I want him to come hug me and tell me everything will be ok. Even if he did it, I want him to tell me his sorry and to protect me. I just want a husband who loves me and will care for me. I've been hurt enough in life, why do I have to have a husband who hurts me also....

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