I have visited this MB site for 3 months since d-day in July. Married for 10 years and living together for 14 years and have a 3yr old son.

OM is a co-work of WW, affair going on for about 2 months before dday. After about 3 weeks of plan A after d-day, WW still seeing OM everyday, I can't keep up and ask WW to leave my home and I take care of our 3yr DS myself. After separating for 1 month (sort of plan Bing), WW ask to come home but will not quit work, think she has the will power to end the affair, b/c of DS, etc. I decided to save our marriage and I have to let WW come back.

Now, after WW came home for a week, I've tried all my best to plan A, but WW miss the OM and still communicate with OM thinking to go on again with their relationship. WW keep talking about all those fog talk that all of us LH here are so familiar, how the OM is best suited her etc.

I understand that I should not straighten her out or LB, if WW decided to leave again, should I just let her come and go as her emotion rise and fall? Should I plan B again or keep plan Aing and compete with OM.

I'm a Chinese living in Hong Kong, but my story and WW fog talk are so similar to many stories here. Please give me some advise and encouragement. What the chance of saving the marriage if WW don't quit her job?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to learn how to save your marriage. I don't think we have any other members in Hong Kong. But we do have people from all over the world.

Stay in Plan A. It is very difficult at first, but does get easier. Plan A is to show your wife that you do want the marriage, and make it safe for her to come back.

Later, if she refuses to have no contact with the other man, you can go to Plan B.

You are very early in this, so please do not expect results now. In fact, don't expect anything from your wife at this time.

Keep reading and posting here, and we will help you through this.

Thanks believer for your reply, reading many of yours, ark's, Bobpure's and many other members posts does bring me some comfort and encouragement. Many of the cases here are so similar that reading other posts seems like answering my own questions.

WW just come home after drinking with friends. Despite seemingly friendly atmostsphere, still talking about leaving but doesn't say when. I've decided not to talk about relationship matters. Don't know how to negotiate about NC since WW seems quite sure about not quiting work.

Stay in Plan A. It takes time, and is very important. Later there is still Plan B.

You are right. When you read the stories here, you see how affairs are all alike, and go through the same stages.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

Sounds like you are doing some of the right things stick with Plan A. Have you considered getting counseling through MB with the Harley's. The counseling really helped my direction. They could give you good advice for setting up boundaries and dealing with your WW. There is a lot of great advice on this board and many caring souls. So keep posting!!!

Take care of yourself and listen to Believer she really knows what she is talking about.

C.

I am in the same situation you are in. Time wise, situation wise, as well. I have received advice from people on this board to tell W that she must quit her job. It has been two weeks since I have been told, yet I can't find the courage to tell her. W has brought up (under her breath) that she's not sure this job is for her. She was at company party yesterday from 4-12. I know OM is there. It hurts. W doesn't even ever want to talk about R. I've been Plan A'ing constantly, looking for signs of life. None yet. I doubt this post helped you, just wanted you to know there is another BS out here who feels for you. Take care.

3 weeks ago during WW moved out at MIL place, I've sent her an email stating:

"I feel very sad seeing you are so confused and lost, but powerless to help you. The more I say, the more unhappy you are.

The only thing that I can do now is to live a good life myself, keeping the family in good shape. Keeping a safe and happy home where you will like to come back when you are tired outside.

I always believe the power of a family can help people to solve many problem, and strongly believe home is a protective castle.

No matter what happen in the future, I still hope the God the you believe in can bring you calmness at heart, let you live peacefully and happily everyday."

WW says the email bring tears to her eyes and her love for DS help bringing her home. But now, a comfortable home can't lift her fog. WW is struggling, escaping into herself, the family is collapsing, a 3yr old children is going to suffer. How I wish I have learnt about emotional needs sooner. Come to think of it, to be more caring and loving is not difficult at all, but I have just taken our M for granted and just don't know how/bother to do more in before.

Okay, you have sent her an email to let her know that she is welcome back. That is good.

Now you need to make your home into the best place it can be. Make it a warm and comforting place for you and your child.

I am very hopeful for your situation, because your wife does seem to have some feelings. Most do not, they are very cold and uncaring.

So stay in Plan A, and expect absolutely nothing in return.

WW is still deep in the fog, I am plan A-ing with no LB. WW always talk about moving over to OM because of her feelings towards OM and of her pain and confusion she feels now. WW has strong desire to try out with OM to see if their beautiful future can come true (though she has mentioned she is uncertain about that herself, WW still fond of picking OM over me). Should I start plan B once WW leave for the OM, or keep on plan A, pleasant and supportive without living together?

Oh no, not time for Plan B yet. You need to stay in Plan A for much longer. And remember Plan A does not usually bring the wife back. But it is still necessary to do.

While all of this is going on, you can work on changing you. That is really all that you can control anyway.

Vitamin:

My wife tried to end her affair while she worked with the OM too. It doesn't work. Here is my story and how the timelines went. Maybe it will help you some.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=032545

TooSoon

Hello TooSoon. Thanks for the timeline. I just told W last night she has to quit her job now. How did you handle getting your W to quit without LB'ing a whole bunch? I was very firm, but positive as I could be. It felt great to tell W. If W stalls, how did you get her out? Thanks, again.

Should I expose the A to WW working place? This would certainly make her very angry and move out to OM immediately which would make plan A more diffficult. Or should I wait till WW moved out and then expose?

Just wanted to let you know that there is an online counselling service in english based in Asia, in Singapore. The address is http://www.goslings.net/counselling/index.htm

I'm in Tokyo so I know that its a bit less common here than in many western countries.

Have just exposed the A to WW's superior at work because I don't want WW's office affair to be so comfortable.

WW is very angry and going to move out immediately, says she wants a divorce and accuse me that I'm bad, haven't change at all, try to manipulate and embarass her etc. I tell her firmly that I just want to help her, to protect my family etc.

Did I ruin all my plan A effort? Should I keep on plan A (it is very difficult without living together?) or am I forced to go into plan B? Experienced MB'ers please give me some advise.

WW has moved out to OM, any advise on whether to plan A or plan B? Should I let WW see our DS freely as her wish or should I fix some schedule? I have a strong feeling that the A will end, chances for them to live happily forever is not big, but may be it is just my own fog.

vitamin, you did good. You just made the affair very uncomfortable for your W. It won't last long without the aura of secrecy and the fantasy that secrecy brings.

You should stay in Plan A a while longer. Just keep exposing the affair to key people such as family, friends, and the OM's family. That will put great pressure on the affair to end.

I think the others said this, but there is no hope of recovery if your W continues to work with the OM. While you can't force her to quit, that will have to be a boundary that you lay down in the future.

After WW left for a week, from my phone contact with her, WW seems to be enjoying her freedom and her life with OM. The fog is so powerful that she don't even call to chat with our DS whom she love so much before the A?

Not much I can do in a remote plan A, can only wait patiently for the A/our M to die. I think I can manage to move on without her, but it's just so sad and unfair that a 3yo children has to pay for this kind of thoughtless and selfish "love".

Lots of people are so addicted that they neglect their children. It is very hard to believe, but that is how they are.

I am so glad that you are there for your child. So just stay in Plan A for awhile. It takes time. Hopefully their fantasy will end.

vitamin,

I seems that we are making many asian friends here on MB. It's sad to know that we are bonded all over the world through this common pain....but I am thankful we can help each other.

I think you have done very well so far. I can tell you have read many many posts, because you followed the correct process, without even being told...and you knew all of the abbreviations. You have done a good job.

While your wife is in the fog...much of what she does will seem cruel and not like the wife you knew. But there is an advantage to moving in with the OM. The fantasy of the relationship often comes crashing down when the affair turns into a living arrangement. Right now, it is early....so it may take awhile before she wakes up and sees the new reality she has created.

What does her family say about this affair? Do they know? Is the OM married? How much contact do you have with your wife? Has she been to see your daughter since leaving?

You are welcome here....I am sorry that you need this place.