star*fish,

Thanks for yours and believer replies.

OM is divorced. WW's family knew of the A and don't approve of it but WW don't care much and has not contacted them much now even though they are quite close before A.

Last time when WW is away and stay with her family, she would called and tried to meet our son once or twice every week, tell me she miss her son. But this time, no contact to her son (plan B-ing us?) and I have just a few phone contacts with her.

WW is using the exposure to her workplace as an excuse/driving force to enable her to run away into her fantasyland.

WW is now living with OM, just call and says she like to take our 3yo son to go for a trip without OM for a week. I strongly rejected and LBed. My reason to her is that she has given up the family herself and I want to give my DS a stable life, don't want the mother come and go, look after him for a week and then suddenly disappear for another week, this will make the children very confuse.

Of course WW don't agree with me and though I understand I can't talk some sense into her, I have still LBed. I agree to let her visit DS once /twice everyweek but not agree to let her look after him for a week. I am taking all the childcare responsibility and WW just want to have fun with DS and convince herself that she is indeed not a bad mom.

Not sure I'm doing the right thing, I think I am protecting my DS emotion or should I just let WW do what she want with my DS as she wish?

WW has now left home for about 3 months. During this period, I have some casual meeting with her with no serious talk.

Last night have dinner with her and she said she like to come home BUT cannot be unfaithful to OM and also worry about how to face my relatives and friends. She also said she don't want a divorce but don't know what to do. Seems like still deep in the fog. Any advise on how to treat this kind of foggy attitude?

Why my family break so easily without a tsunami attack?

vitamin,
sounds like a very rough time for you. Sorry to hear that.

In some ways what you went thru early on was what I did.

I asked my wife to quit work as OM was co-worker. My WW was in love this man.

Each day she went to work, it tore me apart. I couldn't take it.

She did want to fix our marriage.

I finally did get her to quit job......AFTER HUGE LB and emotional outburst.

Sometimes plan A or B isn't clear, in so much as it seems only to benift WS?! BS is in pain, and has to put up with this evil creature. A creature who doesn't care how much we are hurting.

I don't have any advice to get you out of your current situation,
However, my wife hates being in the presence of my family. It is hard for her. She feels shame.

As for your wife not wanting to "be unfaithful to OM" .....Here is where "I think" (and I might be wrong) that some LB'ing and disrespectful judgements are in order.
How can she worry about being unfaithful?
SHe was unfaithful to you, her own child, her family, your family.

I'm sure a better way would be to use some or Orchid's Reverse Babble (find any post by Orchid...look at link about reverse babble).

Good Luck

DD

Vitamin
I am praying for you. How is your son doing?
I am new here, sort of like you, so I´m afraid I can´t really give you much advice. You are following the plans correctly.
How do you feel?
How is your son?
I´m not sure if it´s time yet for plan B or if you should go on with plan A for a few more weeks.It seems that living with OM may not be that good for WW anymore and a little patiencemay pay off. I don´t think you should expose your son to OM at all so I don´t think you should let her take him on that trip.
Hopefully somebody with experience willcome along soon but the weekends are a little slow. If you don´t get an answer from some experienced MBer soon start a new thread calling believer or ark or orchid or noodle
Sorry I can´t helpmuch but theredoes seem to be hope in your situation. Hug

bump

vitamin, do you feel you've done a very good Plan A during the time she's been gone?

If you truly feel that you have then maybe it's time for Plan B. Seems like she will miss the casual contact that you have. She doesn't want to give up the marriage, nor the OM...she's fence-sitting and probably cake-eating.

Be honest, though, on whether or not you've done the best Plan A you can and this INCLUDES the changes you've made in yourself.

Vitamin,

It sounds like you are doing everything right. I do hope you did NOT let your son go on a trip with your W and OM.

I did the same thing. My husband was furious with me because I exposed the A everywhere I could. I also refused to allow the kids to ever be in a situation where they could even meet the OW. That was another LB because - the OW wanted desperately to meet my kids so she could show off what a great "step mom" she could be.

In your case, I don't know if the OM thinks meeting your child is important, but it doesn't matter. What is best for your child is most important, and you sound like you are a good dad.

I can see you have been doing plan A for about 3 months. It may be time to contemplate plan B - especially if your wife is so fogged that she is askign to move home but trying to be faithful to her OM but not wanting a divorce. (Countless WS have tried to work out the same deal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

It's hard to say though because while what you've posted sounds really good, I'd have to know more to say your Plan A was finished and that you are really ready for Plan B.

Hang in there, and just love that child of yours.

Vitamin,

Your wife says she wants to return home to her son (not necessarily to you) but that if she does, she can not be unfaithful to OM? Does this mean she will return home to be a mom only and a wife for show? Does she mean she is calling a truce between the two of you but there will be no sex between you, no affection, no attempt to meet each other's emotional needs?

From what I have read you asked your wife to leave without a clear Plan B letter. Is that correct? If that is the case I think you might have the chance to start over from the beginning by letting her come home and starting fresh with Plan A. You have to open up to your wife and tell her everything you are learning about meeting emotional needs -- hers -- and that you want to do this. She probably won't let you do this, and you will need to respect her wishes, all the while showing her daily that you have changed.

Understand, your needs will mean nothing to her and you should not expect she will try to meet any of them. She has made this clear. But you, on the other hand, can try to show her the changes you have made in the last three months since she has left.

It may be too little, too late. And other MBers might say that now that you're in Plan B you should stay there until the affair crumbles. But I am afraid that your Plan A was too short and your Plan B was done from a position of pain and not planning. It was not well-executed.

It worries me, though, that she is going to continue the affair. If you welcome her home (notice I did not say "allow" her home) then you must accept the risk to your own heart and your son's as well. She loves this OM, but doesn't want to lose her son. She hopes to return and make peace with you, have access to her son, and carry on with OM.

You have to be able to accept this and them implement the best Plan A that you can in order to crack the hostile wall she has up. Six months would be the least I would expect... can you do a good Plan A for at least that long? Can you show her that you have changed and that you will continue to change for HER?

I think it is highly unlikely she will agree to change her job and that will be a huge stumbling block because she is still in the affair. But I think before she will agree to make any move toward healing your marriage that she has to see huge, consistent changes in you and how you treat her.

My only other advise is do not allow her to take you son anywhere for any length of time. That scares me and I would hate to see her leave with the boy.

Are you seeing a counselor? Is she? Can you see one together?

I'll be praying for you this day for peace and clarity.

~ Snow

Thanks for all the advise from friendly MBers. My plan now is no plan at all. I try not to push, manipulate or pressurize WW at all. If the affair can have a natural death, then maybe my marriage can survive, otherwise live still goes on.

After these few months of dealing with this affair thing, I've learnt that the best that I can do to bring peace of mind is not to care about or react to what WW do or say. (then maybe this is some sort of plan A with no LB??)

From 25th to 29th Dec, I have spent the holiday with my DS and some relatives in Phuket, Patong Beach. Luckily we can all come home in one piece. Isn't life full of unexpected events? And this year seems to have too much unexpected events for me.

Glad to hear that you are safe. It is heart-breaking to see the families torn apart and suffering from the Tsunami.

I think it might be time to go to Plan B. The trouble is, you might lose your love for your wife if she continues to waffle. As far as being unfaithful to OM - that is what they all say.

You might check out the saveyourmarriagecentral site. They recommend a much shorter Plan A.

A little update on my story.

After a few months of WW left home, I am not in plan B and am not working very hard on plan A either. WW has called and wrote me yesterday that she is considering coming back to me, but won't like to quit her job. Talked about how OM can't replace our 10+ years relationship and the love and care from OM is just different from the care and love that she wants from me. Few months have been wasted from her life, etc. And she is trying to find some faults doing from OM as an excuse to leave him??

Since I've heard of so many false recovery and foggy WW in this site, I am not very exciting at what she've said. Told WW that I wish to and am willing to try hard to save our family again if WW can have NC with OM. Of course there is no guarantee of a happy and beatiful future, but at least it is worth to try to save our family.

Not sure if WW is really coming back this time. Any advise? Should I push her or just let her straighten her mind herself? Do a WW at this stage needs any support from BS or is it better to leave her alone while she's considering turning back?

I'd suggest that you calmly, quietly and respectfully inform her that NC is a deal breaker for you. If she is unwilling to do NC then all her words amount to nothing more than an attempt to convince you to allow her to have the OM and you in her life, and that is totally unacceptable. There can be no true recovery until the WS willingly agrees to never again have any contact with the OP and if that means quiting his/her job to do so then so be it.

TMCM

I agree with TooMuchCoffeeMan (except I don't drink coffee at all)

NO CONTACT is a must.

It's really too bad she doesn't want to quit her job. But unless the OM quits, it's just too bad because it will be necessary for them to not be in contact with each other anymore if your marriage is to be given any chance.

In my opinion, if she cared so much about her job (AND your marriage and child!) she shouldn't have jeapordized it by having an affair.

And don't let her try to blame you for the loss of that job. She didn't have to choose adultery and she doesn't have to choose marital recovery. A consequence of those choices will be giving up the job. It would be nice if the other man would be considerate enough to be the one who quits - but he probably won't. (Unless... he's married too and his wife finds out about the affair and SHE tells him he has to give up the job or her...)

Dear MBer please help.

WW has now been back home for 1 month after living with OM for 6 months. She is still working with OM in the same company but she claims that there is NC (sort of).

Before she is back, she says she wants a family back and like to try marriage rebuild. But she is now cold and distant, any relation talk will bring out her fog bable such as still miss the OM, no feeling towards me, cannot be together again after the A happened, divorce arrangements etc.

I have told her that I don't expect she will fall back in love with me immediately but only would like to have some respect and not to avoid me like some disease. Seems like she will resume contact and leave again anytime.

Don't know what to do. Should I give her all the space and time that she required? I have told her if she resume contact then she'd better leave, is it too harsh on her?

No. That is not too harsh.

You were not put on this earth to live a life of continual pain. There is nobility in forgiveness. You are starting that. But you must have boundaries, too. It all depends on how much YOU are willing to sacrifice to make this work.

Your WS will not be making "normal" decisions any time soon.

Call Jennifer @ MB. She will help you and your Xws get a plan. Read up on Suriving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. See how recovery is handled.

L.

Why did she come back? This is important. Did the OM throw her out?
Mulan

Welcome. I am impressed with your command of English.
Excellent work on exposing the affair. It probably took all the glamour out of it. I also think you did the right thing by refusing to allow your wife to take the baby for a week with her. She does not appreciate what a fine man you are. You have protected the child while she was in the fog.


Good luck.

Dear Mulan,

According to WW, she is not thrown out by OM, her reasons to come back are:

1. don't have a family feelings with OM
2. like to see our son grown up
3. still have little feelings towards me and like to pick up again
4. I still have feelings towards her (love?) and agree to rebuild our marriage not just for the sake of our child

But after she is back, her defensive mechanism starts running again. In this past month, maybe still early in recovery, WW seems reluctant even for going out for dinner, let alone meeting emotional needs or sharing undivded attention. Whenever she looks unhappy and I'll try to ask how she feels, she will start give me all those foggy reasons which are exactly the same as after d day, such as no feelings, can't turn back, miss the OM etc. "No feelings" is the biggest trump card to tell me to shut up.

Once again, my plan now is to do the 180, no LB, avoid relationships talks and reasonings, only small talk, happy talk as mentioned in an e-book called "Stop Your Divorce". Enjoy my life with or without her love. Living one day, one step at a time. WW seems to be still foggy but is only trying to do the "right" thing to stay. OM is waiting at the back door, I can just hope WW is strong enough herself to maintain NC. My feeling is that WW is again playing the wrong findings game to find an excuse/driving force to leave. Any talkings or reasonings will only make thing worst. ( but not sure what can make thing better?? )