Even on our deceased daughters birthday she cant find it in her heart to do anything but for herself.

-she asked me "what are you doing on the computer, checking who i am calling?". I said "no, there is no need for me to check to see who your talking to."

As instructed by IC, i also let her know that every time she talks to OM "its like you twisting a knife that is stabbed in my heart" her reply was that "every time i talk about our marriage working out (which has been twice in the last 3 months) its like im twisting a knife in her"

she then stated once again that she sees no change or hope for us. i told her that "you dont want to see a change you dont want to see hope.."

I walked away and she jumps on the phone.....two hours later she asks if i want to talk...I said that if you want to talk then talk.....she says nothing and gets on the phone again for the rest of the night.

^

justa..

try to quit sizing eachother up...

tell if I am wrong..

I imagine that when you two are alone in a room the atmosphere instantly thickens up...

movements and motions become more dramatic...

people eye one another out of the corner of their eyes....

each watching the other like a hawk...

any smiles
any soft brushing touches...."oooops sorry was reaching for a cup....."??

doubt it....

think of the thousands ways this could go...


what are you doing on the computer, checking who i am calling?".

"Do I need to check who you are calling?"


her reply was that "every time i talk about our marriage working out (which has been twice in the last 3 months) its like im twisting a knife in her"

did you ask her what is the plan to fix that pain?

did you ask her why does she feel that way?

did you say that sounds like an awful way to feel and i am sorry you feel that way...

she sees no change or hope for us. i told her that "you dont want to see a change you dont want to see hope.."

did you tell her that sometimes marriages get like that...
one loses hope...one spouse or the other...
the good news dear is that I have hope for both of us...
I right now have enough hope for both of us...
and i can carry us through for a while...
"

.....two hours later she asks if i want to talk...I said that if you want to talk then talk....

this is PLAN A justa..this is her approaching you...
this is her reaching out....
and this is you squaring off and pushing back in to herself...

when she asks do you want to talk...
answer with..

I want nothing more in this world than to talk to my best friend you...

or

you have no idea how much I look forward to really talking to YOU

or

I'd love to talk with you again...

but you don't ...
you push her back....and then watch out of the corner of your eye her every move..as she does yours...

too much pressure in your home
too much
he did
she did

he said
she said...

where's the flirting....

do i wanna talk to you...baby I want to hold you in my arms so tight and never let go......!!!!

do you want to talk...

yes I want to talk to you about our daughter...how much I miss her...and how I miss you also..
I want to talk about how for a long time I was so hurt over that loss..I couldn't help you in your pain...and i want to apoligize...man do I want to talk to you....


your fear and your focus on her rejections which you take way to personally....
(theres a morononic irrational sentence..ofcourse you take it personally it is..!! I get that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

stop you from spreading your wings and arms in plan a ...and saying F--- It ...I'm gonna plan A my wife...exactly inspite of her ...

if your happiness and joy and seeing her is false she can see right through that....


also justa have you considered confronting the oM...
who is he..
how close is he to the family..
does he know you...
have you spoken to him...

you may want to think about this as you plan B time draws nearer...

ARK...who just may be meaner to you than your wife........... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> atleast I feel that way..

I don't know if this is appropriate guidance or not. If is it, simply ignore it and forgive my audacity.

I had a brother, 15 months younger than me, who was killed 11 years ago. Shortly thereafter, I made a conscious decision not to cry, because I felt selfish that I missed him so much and I knew he was in a better place and was happy.

To this day, I have only brought up his name a handfull of times to my wife, mom, dad, and sister.

Just the thought of him instantly brings me to tears.

Those times when I opened up to my family, I felt more closer to them then ever before.

I don't know how it is for a husband and wife to lose a child, and I couldn't imagine the grief.

Have you both grieved together at all? I know 11 years later, my grief is as alive as it was the day it happened.

So, I know it is never too late. But it only makes sense that you two share something so absolutely intimate and something that will either bring you so close together or drive you apart.

My guess is that she may confide in OM and cry on his shoulder about this...

Again, if I am out of line, I am very sorry.

Thatsall--
Thanks and your not out of line...i get the message...

Ark^^

your 100% right on the atmosphere thickening. my anxiety level rises and my heart jumps. I wonder what she is going to say...i fear that she will once again hurt me by reeling me in and then letting me out.

its funny you bring up the "brushing" thing. We used to do that to eachother all the time. Just sort of a sign to let the other know that we are looking and admiring.

I should have talk to her that night. to tell you the truth i was afraid too. I didnt want to hear once again that she has feelings for OM. I didnt want to hear that there was no hope. Not on my D b-day. I also was angry inside and I didnt want to talk while angry.

She called a cousin of mine and was talking to her about the R. She says that i didnt reach out to her all day....which is 1000% wrong...I just didnt do it when she wanted it. I guess for that i was wrong.

I guess i need to start doing those little things again. do them ina small small way...nothing to0 over the top. Not wear my heart on my sleeve but at least show that there is room for her in mine right now.

"Just Whisper"

am i close?

Ark

The om is close to my cousin...he is a friend of theirs for over 20 years. I also know him and of him and his violent (domestic violent) past.

I have not confronted him since DDay. dont know why. My cousin has on several occasions. He is not close to anyone other than my cousin and they have shut him out.

damm...why cant i do this.

your fear and your focus on her rejections which you take way to personally....
(theres a morononic irrational sentence..ofcourse you take it personally it is..!! I get that... )

stop you from spreading your wings and arms in plan a ...and saying F--- It ...I'm gonna plan A my wife...exactly inspite of her ...


Here is the answer to my own question......i need to get out of my own way...

Thanks ARK

^

does she admit to the affair...

does she say what her plan is..

does she expect you to leave

are they "planning" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> to be together

you should pursue counsel with the harleys..

i think you should consider confronting the OM..
which is tricky....

but what are HIS intentions

what's the worst that could happen

ark

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> does she admit to the affair...

does she say what her plan is..

does she expect you to leave

are they "planning" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> to be together

you should pursue counsel with the harleys..

i think you should consider confronting the OM..
which is tricky....

but what are HIS intentions

what's the worst that could happen

ark </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">-She admits to talking to him...she doesnt admit PA

-She expects me to leave..She seems very comfortable having her cake and eating it too. She says that she is not leaving her kids.

-I dont see how they are planning to be together...all of his money goes to his 2 ex wives. She has no money except from me. I just found out that he has done this with another married woman...dont know the outcome of that.

-i will look into a session

- I dont know his intentions. He is a person with no friends and very low self-esteem. ww also has low self-esteem adn i think she finally found someone lower than her.

- I have considered confronting him. He has been confronted by other members of my family and denies any pa. He says that they are just talking.

I think she was with him last night...not sure...

today we are having a butterfly release in honor of my daughters birthday. There will be family herer on both sides. right now im so hurt i cant even look at her.

i know thats not what i should be doing during plan A. I really feel like my bank is empty...i am seriously considering a life without this person. I dont know if i can live with this constant doubt....i just dont know anymore.