My WH and I have been married for 20 years. We were living together, in a committed relationship, for 4 years prior to marriage. During that 4 year period, he cheated on me and had an OC. He begged me to stay with him and promised that he would have no contact. Several years later, I found out that he was going behind my back to see the OC. I would tell him to stop sneaking around, he would promise to stop, and then start it all over again. This happened at least 3 times in our marriage.

About 2 years ago, he started working a lot of overtime. And, when he was home, he was spending a lot of time on the computer. He would get up in the middle of the night and sit in front of the computer screen till dawn.

One Saturday I was cleaning out his pockets to do the laundry and found an e-mail address. It looked odd because it was a word that had special meaning to me and my H. When I went to the computer, I found tons of messages and e-cards that a woman was sending him and he was sending to her. I also found these pornographic stories that he had written about having sex with this woman. Her e-mail messages talked about how great sex was for her. I searched the house and found a cell phone that he kept just to talk to her, and some gifts that he bought for her.

When I confronted him, he denied having an affair and said that he did not know why she wrote those things -- they were just friends (right ...)

He agreed to stop seeing her, to go to counselling and to re-commit to get the marriage back on track.

Now, yesterday, I found another cell phone and the last number dialed on it was -- you guessed it -- the OW! When I confronted him, he lied and said that it was a telephone that he found. He only admitted the truth when I told him how coincidental it was that a strange person he never met knew the telephone number of the OW!
I asked him to tell me the truth about the phone.

He told me that, in the back of his mind, he rationalized that his behavior was allright because his life did not turn out the way he wanted it and he held me responsible for that !?@?

He further said that he did not have a relationshi with his mother and siblings because I did not get along with them. Although he admitted that he made the decision to have only limited contact with them, he would not have done that if I got along with them better -- so even though it was his decision, it is my fault.

He assured me that he is not having an affair with anyone, but he is not sure that I love him anymore and he wants to make sure he has a backup plan if I decide to leave him.

This is a man that I have sacrificed for, helped in any way I could, who has risen to the top of his professional through my support.

We have two teenage children at home. Even though he has broken his vows, I have not and I want to be married to him. I don't understand what could be in his head at this point. Any suggestions are most welcome.

Thanks,
3TL

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: 3TimeLoser ]</small>

I hate to see unanswered first posts! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Welcome to MB...please read up on all of the info about A's. What your WH is doing and saying is typical. BABBLE BABBBLE BABBLE. Blah, blah, blah.

So sorry you are now experiencing what everyone here in one way or another is experiencing. Start some spead reading. There's just so much info here! We'll help you through this.

Any vets have any further advice?

We were living together, in a committed relationship, for 4 years prior to marriage. During that 4 year period, he cheated on me and had an OC.

Correction: YOU were committed, your H was not. Promise broken.

He begged me to stay with him and promised that he would have no contact.

Promise broken ...

he would promise to stop, and then start it all over again.

Promise broken ...

This happened at least 3 times in our marriage.

Promises broken...


When I went to the computer, I found tons of messages and e-cards that a woman was sending him and he was sending to her. I also found these pornographic stories that he had written about having sex with this woman. Her e-mail messages talked about how great sex was for her. I searched the house and found a cell phone that he kept just to talk to her, and some gifts that he bought for her.

Promises broken...

When I confronted him, he denied having an affair and said that he did not know why she wrote those things -- they were just friends (right ...)

Lies told...

He agreed to stop seeing her, to go to counselling and to re-commit to get the marriage back on track.

Promise told...

Now, yesterday, I found another cell phone and the last number dialed on it was -- you guessed it -- the OW!

Promise broken...

When I confronted him, he lied and said that it was a telephone that he found.

Lie told ... (a really dumb-[censored] lie at that ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

He further said that he did not have a relationshi with his mother and siblings because I did not get along with them.

Rationalization for lies and betrayal...

He assured me that he is not having an affair with anyone,

Lie told...

but he is not sure that I love him anymore and he wants to make sure he has a backup plan if I decide to leave him.

Rationalization for lies and betrayal...

This is a man that I have sacrificed for, helped in any way I could, who has risen to the top of his professional through my support.

This is a man you choose to believe after decades of lies and betrayal....

We have two teenage children at home.

A tragedy for them.... How much "hands on" fathering does your WH do weekly?

Even though he has broken his vows, I have not and I want to be married to him.

Then you may have to accept his continued betrayals ... unless you are willing to try something different and change the paradigm of your relationship!

I don't understand what could be in his head at this point.

It's simple really . He wants you to accept his other women and not leave him because he cheats.

Any suggestions are most welcome.

I STRONGLY urge you to call Steve Harley and get some serious counseling... because the "usual way" you've handled this is obviously not helping....

I think there is hope for your situation.... but I see that radical change is necessary for you to motivate your WH to become the MAN God intended him to be....

Please call the counseling center... I am not paid any kickback! I just want you to experience the success others have found using Harley's counseling.

Our M was nearly destroyed by my H's affair... but we are 8 years recovered.

Pep

Thanks weaver, LINY and Pepperband.

I originally posted this thread and I thought it was lost in cyberspace, so I posted a second -- weaver answered the second one.

Weaver -- I know you are right about the screen name. When I made it up, I felt like a loser. But, it is a sad name and I should be looking towards a better future because I know I will have one. I will try to change my name.

LINY - thanks for answering. It takes a lot of courage to put your story on this board and it feels like you are being rejected again when no one notices and answers. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> So thank you. I am reading the site and, gosh, there is so much on here to read and understand. But, already it has given me hope.

Pepperband -- at first your response really upset me. I thought you were being very harsh. But, then I realized that the story of my life sounds just like that to an impartial bystander. Lies - promises - broken promises - more lies - more promises ... never ending circle.

What I have been doing is obviously not working because if it was I would not be calling myself a three-time loser. I think counselling is in order. I am going to talk to my H when he comes back from his trip and I think both of us could use counselling. He has a real problem and I need to find out why I allow myself to be a doormat.

I don't think love is supposed to feel this way.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's funny how just his accusation that I screwed up his life has had me thinking for the entire day and trying to figure out where "I" went wrong. I must be the crazy one. I did nothing but love him, help him and trust him. But I think he got used to my love and devotion always being there -- so he no longer cared how he treated me.

Thanks for your answers.

What I have been doing is obviously not working because if it was I would not be calling myself a three-time loser. I think counselling is in order. I am going to talk to my H when he comes back from his trip and I think both of us could use counselling. He has a real problem and I need to find out why I allow myself to be a doormat.

I don't think you are a doormat... however, you marriage looks a bit like a revolving door...
I just hope you can see the pattern of all this... and then do something to BREAK the pattern. Ignoring the pattern will NOT help.


You take care..

Pep

It's funny how just his accusation that I screwed up his life has had me thinking for the entire day and trying to figure out where "I" went wrong. I must be the crazy one. I did nothing but love him, help him and trust him. But I think he got used to my love and devotion always being there -- so he no longer cared how he treated me.

Three -

This could be me. I have always been eager to take the blame for everything, all my life but especially in my relationship. I am working hard to recognize this and not fall into the trap now. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on regarding confidence, boundaries and respect. It's a hard habit to break, and I do know exactly what you mean. That is where reading on this forum has had a huge impact on my perception. The vet's on here are very, very good at spotting this type of flawed thinking and calling on it. You will learn much here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 3TimeLoser:
<strong>

1.He told me that, in the back of his mind, he rationalized that his behavior was allright because his life did not turn out the way he wanted it and he held me responsible for that !?@?

2.He further said that he did not have a relationshi with his mother and siblings because I did not get along with them. Although he admitted that he made the decision to have only limited contact with them, he would not have done that if I got along with them better -- so even though it was his decision, it is my fault.

3.He assured me that he is not having an affair with anyone, but he is not sure that I love him anymore and he wants to make sure he has a backup plan if I decide to leave him.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to MB, your H is babbling big time but nothing out of the WS realm. He wants a backup plan? What a louse.

Many of us have heard similar and then some.

Right now you need to get you back on your feet. Go and get some good counseling. Phone counseling is available with Penny, Steve or Jennifer here @ MB. Steve is great with WS H's.

Work on you and then you will have the strength and support to deal with what blows your way from the babbling WS in your home.

Pray for patience, a clear mind and a calm heart. Also wait for the time when your heart and mind w/b in sync. Then you w/b able to make sensible decisions.

Know that a babbling WS will spew more stupid words. Try to look past that and watch his actions. Even if you hear good stuff but don't see the actions to match.

It w/b hard at first but you will learn how to survive. Read the info here (concepts section above), books such as: Surviving an Affair, His needs/her needs are good(both are by Dr W. Harley). Another good book is Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson.

It is important to read, keep a journal and vent here as needed. Secure your financial assets and don't believe it when a WS says he will never do anything to hurt his family. The reality of it is, he already is and you can't assume he won't pull the rug from under you. 'Be cautious as a serpent, yet innocent as a dove.'

take care,
L.

Listen to these folks! Each of them, and many others, have given me advice and encouragement in the last two months.

Read, read, read and read some more.

Learn just how predictable and common the WS mind is. Knowing that will help you through many painful bouts of emotions - from both you and your husband.

Learn how to recognize the LB's in your relationship so you can work on your relationship. Like Pep said, you need to break the patterns. YOU are in a position to start that process.

Become a better YOU.

And I highly recommend counseling with Steve Harley too. Orchid said he is great with WH's and I can't agree more!!! He has done more to reach my WH than anyone else could have.

Good luck, welcome to MB and let us know how you're coming along.

I am grateful for the support and advice I received. I tried to go back and change my name but couldn't figure out how to do it. I amy abandon this name and open a new one.

Anyway, what do you make of this?

As I said earlier, H went away for a business trip this weekend. I did not try to contact him and was actually having a great time doing things I enjoy and spending time with my kids.

H sent me an e-mail on the second day of his trip. He said that he realized this time he went too far. While travelling, he kept thinking about what he had said and he couldn't believe how horrid it sounded to him. (about wanting a backup plan ... and it being my fault that his life was not the way he wanted it ...)

He said he realized that he needed help and that there is something wrong with the way he thinks and rationalizes, so he made an appointment on his own for therapy next week!?

This was totally out of left field. Usually, when I get angry with him, I follow him around the house, LBing as I go, screaming at him. This time I was so disgusted by what he was saying that I just walked away. I was very calm and seemed very determined. Also, I am sure he was very confused when I didn't call him because I am usually the first to get in touch after a disagreement.

Weaver -- I picked up a number of books and I am also reading about boundaries. Seems I never had them. I allowed myself to be conned all the time into doing things that I really did not want to do because I was afraid to set limits.

Orchid -- Surviving an Affair was one of the books I picked up. Really good stuff. Thankyou for pointing me in the right directions. I have been praying and this weekend I felt more in control than I have in a very long time.

Faith -- I think you are right -- I have to become a better ME. That is within my control, no one else's so I need to get to work on that right away.

The fact that my H set up a counselling session is such a BIG DEAL. This man does not share his feelings easily and has resisted counselling all of our lives. So, pray that it helps.

Your situation sounds more promising now. Check out Plan A, and stick to it. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.