... because that is exactly how I feel ...
Reader's Digest version of my life:
WH and I married 20 years; living together in committed relationship for 3 years prior to marriage.
One year before marriage, H has affair and child is born. He asks forgiveness, tells me he will never seen the child or the OW again. 3 times over our marriage, I have caught him sneaking to see the child. Each time he would first try to convince me I was crazy, until I would actually find hard evidence and confront him.
H was working a lot of "overtime" and spending hours on the computer in the middle of the night. I discovered an e-mail account with dozens of messages, e-cards, and pornographic stories written by my H about sex with the OW. Her e-mails to him talk about their sex life.
He denies that he had a physical relationship with her -- says they are just friends -- and he does not know why she was writing those things. He says he was only writing the sex stories for fun. I also discovered a cell phone that he had purchased just to call the OW.
Yesterday, I discovered a new cell phone and the first dialed number on the phone is -- you guessed it -- the exOW! When I confronted H he told me that it was not his phone, he found it. When I told him about the coincidence that a stranger had conversations with his exOW, he told the truth.
He said he felt justified because his life did not turn out like he wanted it to and he held me responsible for that. He did not have a good relationship with his family because of me. And, he wanted to know that if our marriage did not work out he had a "back-up" plan.
(He does not speak regularly to his mother and siblings because they do not get along with me. He chose not to deal with them because he could not convince them to treat me civilly -- now I am to blame for HIS decision.)
This is a man who has climbed to the top of his profession with my support and assistance. Needless to say I am heartbroken. This is the man I wanted to spend my life with, grow old with, watch the sunset with. He has been my best friend and my soul mate. Now, at 50, he is like someone I don't even know.
Anyone who can understand this mess or who can help me to understand what my next step is -- please write.
He left this morning for a short trip and when I went to get my things from our car, he had placed a box of condoms in with his luggage. I told him he was really pushing his luck. He told me that he only had them because he felt we were going to separate and if he happened to come across a woman who wanted him then at least he would not further complicate his life with other mistakes (like disease or pregnancy).
Who is this man I am living with? I wish I knew.
Thanks for listening,
3TL
