I really need some more advice. My marriage has been rocky the last year due to my heavy work schedule. I now realize I have neglected my wife and two children. I love my wife dearly. Without getting too involved in details, the basic story is she is having an emotional affair (at least) with a woman. From this site I realize I was not meeting some emotional needs and have set out to correct that. We are having a much better relationship and she really seems to be enjoying our time together now. We talk about the future and living together forever and how much we love each other and love our family. She seems committed.

A few weeks ago, I found some emails (due to her leaving them on the computer and leaving) that were very telling of her other relationship. I decided to confront her and she became VERY defensive. I did not reveal the most explicit email and backed down a bit when she got mad. I sort of changed the story and didn't let her know what I really know. She bought it and does not know that I know how involved she really is with this OW. Now we get along great and are planning the future. She is still in constant contact with the OW and is planning a weekend away together. It is killing me keeping this knowledge to myself. I don't want to confront her and push her harder towards the OW, but I cannot keep living this way. Above all else, I want our marriage to survive. But I feel we can't truly fall in love again with the OW in the picture.

We are moving far away in a few months and that will definitely end anything between them. So I am
wondering should I allow this to continue for a few months, let her have her fling and when the OW is gone, work on restoring our relationship? Or should I confront her now risking the very relationship I want so badly? I am truly stumped with what to do. Any advice is appreciated...

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 07:16 AM: Message edited by: stumpedsoul ]</small>

Here is additional background info from a previous post:

I have encountered an unusual bump in my relationship. I've lived with my wife for 15 yrs. We were married 8 yrs ago before our daughter was born. We have her and a 4 yr old son. Over the past few yrs, my work has consumed me and I neglected my family time and they kind of got used to me being away at work. About a month ago, I woke up. I realize I have the perfect woman and family and we had a long talk and our relationship has improved greatly. We talked about us having issues and I'm working on it. It's hard work being a good husband, but I am willing to do it. It's been about a month, and she compliments me every day and tells me she is so happy.

Here comes the snag, my wife is not very computer literate and accidentally left her email on before she left. I'm not normally nosey, but I looked at some. Big mistake. I wish I never found out what I know now. It seems she is falling in love with a woman. She has never been gay, but does have many gay friends. She has always says she could never be with another woman. Her relationship with this woman is just beginning and their emails talk about how our relationship has lost the passion. That is a topic that came up in our own talks and and we both agree it's getting better. But I know she has an interest in this woman. She is always texting her and calling and although she guards her phone, she openly talks about this woman because she doesn't expect me to see a romance there. Beside talking about our problems, they openly discuss their feeling towards each other and their is no mistake, it is very personal and sexual. I now feel as if I'm in a competition. She has no clue I know about the other woman. She says she loves me very much and we are planning for a great future with the new me.

I love my wife more than life itself and would easily forgive her, but cannot stand the thought of her falling in love with a woman. If it were a man, it would be different I guess. They have been talking this way I'd say about a month. I'm not sure if the relationship has become physical.

The big question: I don't know if I should let this play out and hope she picks the new me and this just becomes a fling in her life that just fades away and we live happily ever after, or should I confront her about it and force the issue. Maybe I could somehow stop their relationship before it really starts. Although, this way I stand to end up in divorce which I do not want. If I get her to talk about it, will she just leave me and our family or will she try to fix "us". I feel she went to this other woman because something was missing from me. I now realize that and I'm correcting that but wonder if I did it too late. I want to talk to her but I'm afraid of the outcome. She really values our family and says she wants to be with me forever. I am totally consumed with this problem and have though about seeing a professional to discuss options but thought I would try this forum first.

Well, the MB way is to stay in Plan A, and let her know how much this hurts you. I think I would let her know what you know. And yes, she will be furious and defensive.

Hello,

I think it is absolutely essential to tell her everything you know about how deep her relationship is with the OW. You need to deal with these issues now! Going into denial and pretending it will all go away when you move is foolhardy. The longer this goes on the more deeper the relationship will grow. In addition, just because you move will not stop the relationship and it will continue in some form or another.
It is essential you present all of the facts that you know and move for marriage counseling immediately. Allowing her to think she is deceiving you and continuing in this relationship without any consequences is the worse possible action on your part. Do not be afraid that she gets mad. Allowing her to continue to get deeper into this relationship without consequences is simply foolhardy. If the roles were reversed, do you really think your wife would be keeping quiet?

You need to be proactive starting to today and tell her everything you know, insist on marriage counseling and make her realize there are consequences to her actions and you will no longer accept her lies and her betrayal of your marriage. Stand up and fight for your marriage or you will surely lose it. I wish you luck.

So you know your W is having an A and you are wondering if you should address it with her? Do you think that her having this A threatens your M? Do you want to share your W with anyone else? Would you feel comfortable building a life with someone, making future plans and so forth with someone who's in an A? Do you think knowing about your W's A and not addressing it is healthy for YOU?

These are just a few questions I came up with based on your post. I am not qualified to tell you what to do, but in my own case, EXPOSURE was the best thing I ever did regarding my W's A. There are ways to address your W's infidelity without being confrontational. First you need to decide what is in the best interest of the health of your M, not just staying together, but being in LOVE and HAPPY and both FREE of PAIN. You seem to genuinely love your W and you also have taken responsiblity for helping to create an environment in your M that percipitated this A, but it's not all your responsiblity; remember that.

I'll end my post here and wait for you to respond.

I do feel this A threatens our relationship. I cannot share my W with someone. I don't feel this is healthy for my M either. But I'm afraid she may choose the OW over our life. she has felt a lot of pain with me in the past and has not fully recovered from that. I have changed and she is loving it and says she definitly wants our M to succeed, but I feel if I press the issue, she may turn away because it would be easier than dealing with it. I don't want to bury my head in the sand and hope for the best. I want to be pro-active and heal the wounds.

Is my wife now gay? I don't think so. She has met a great friend that is gay and is filling the void of emotional needs I have left. I want to fill those now but cannot due to the OW.

Let it go on and avoid the issue & it may loose you your wife, maybe kids, & your marriage.
The fear that she may chose the OM over you is a common one for us all. However if that did happen then it would not be because you asked her for the truth, it would be because she was choosing to do so.

YOU must tell her but not in anger, or yelling or anything like that.
If you ignore this you are enabling the affair and it will likely lead to disaster in your M.

Tell her that you know she is having sex with another man, that you have evidence in her own email to the OM arranging for a weekend away and that you need for her to be honest.
You will need to let her know what the consequences are for her actions because you cant make her do anything, she has to want to.

She will deny, deny deny, and if you actually caught them naked in bed she would probably claim you were jumping to conclusions. Be prepared for this anger, its a way to divert your anger & her guilt. Its also very standard for a WS to say & act like this. Be calm. be firm, do NOT cave in when she gets agressive, repeat the question, the evidence, as many times as it takes for her to accept you know.

You should read as much as you can on this site and about plan a & B and what options you want to follow.

This is important because you need to settel in your own mind if you want to save your M or you want to end it, or maybe you just dont know yet and want to see what your wife does.

Once you have confronted her, come back and detail what her response was and ask questions, and just know there are no dumb questions here.

I'm sorry you have had to join us here but this place can help with REAL experience, if you doubt some of the things people suggest you do, read some posts from juke1225 in GQ11 and you will see even at teh worse it can help.

All the best

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: aussie2 ]</small>

I've only been here a short time and I haven't read the "plans" yet. My view is that ever since becomeing a BS, the only thing I have to hold onto is TRUTH. As ugly as it was for my WS to admit what he did, it was the ONLY way we could go forward. If lies are going to be a part of your marriage, what sortof marriage do you have and how long do you think it will last?

I think you HAVE to confront her about the OW and get the air cleared. If she defensive, she is more than likely guilty. She may not want to give up her OW, but I think she needs to make a decision one way or the other. And so do you.

Thank you all for the advice

Your wife has not turned gay. She is getting emotional needs met by this other person.

Now you need to meet those needs, and calmly let her know what you know.

You need to tell her what you know. She'll probably get offended about her privacy being invaded, deny things, etc. You have to swallow that.

Then she might say she needs to get away to think. Discourage her from doing this. She won't go sit next to the ocean and think, she'll hook up, and then she'll be in the deep end with only the OW to grab hold of.

She's on a slippery slope. Be positive, upbeat, and cool, and try to help her off it.

She's going to say, to you or someone else, she has feelings that she doesn't understand and feels she needs to explore.

Ultimately, you can't stop her. She is being disloyal to you, talking about her M with this woman instead of you. She has crossed over a very important boundary, and she needs to know you're aware of it.

If you think about it, the only power you have in this right now is your knowledge of what's going on. Revealing that knowledge is a must. The future of your M depends on it.

Don't underestimate the trouble you're in, but don't panic either.

GC

Thanks again